IT ONLY TAKES A MINUTE, GRRR

It may well have been the swing that shamed soccer, but Roy Keane is still at large today. Shamelessly using his right hand to open doors, pet small dogs and shove raw meat into his mouth, it is believed that Keane will keep on using the appendage, which was single-handedly responsible (you see?) for his dismissal against Newcastle on Saturday, for some time to come. Meanwhile, the victim of this sorry episode, the respectable Mr Alan Shearer, is thought to be cooped up in his creosote shed, fearful of leaving in case someone spots him sporting a gleeful grin.

Nikos Dabizas, the respected anthropologist and occasionally good Newcastle defender, today took stock of the episode. "It is bad behaviour when you lose your mind," he observed, specifically citing Keane as someone who had put his brain down for a second and then forgot where he'd left it. "Some players do that all of the time but we cannot take them away because they are great players," he rambled on. "But sometimes they have a bad attitude when they cannot control themselves and go out of their minds."

Interesting observation (if you could work out what it meant), but there's nothing quite like a victory over Keane and co to get Geordies chirruping. Robby Bobson looks years younger (about 75), the Intertoto defeat against Troyes'R'Us is forgotten and, heck, even Kieron Dyer seems happy. Denying that he ever wanted to leave the club, Dyer has told the Newcastle Evening Chronicle: "All I did was go and see the chairman Freddie Shepherd to find out where the club was going. He assured me that there were some good signings in the pipeline and he has proved true to his word." Wowzers. When asked for comment, Laurent Blanc was flat on his arse.

-- Anonymous, September 18, 2001

Answers

And someone got paid for writing that?

-- Anonymous, September 18, 2001

I think they missed out the other thing he uses his right hand for.............;-)

-- Anonymous, September 18, 2001

I'm looking forward to Ormondroyd's version :-)

-- Anonymous, September 18, 2001

elsewhere, in Rome a certain defender by the name of Stam is gleefully kicking his heels......

-- Anonymous, September 18, 2001

Blanc couldn't have given that comment on Saturday cos he was flat on his arse all day! Tossers and bad losers, or what?

If this is how they go on after losing 3 friggin points, God only knows what national calamity will descend if, perish the thought, they didn't win the PL Championship. Ptuh!

-- Anonymous, September 18, 2001

According to a bloke I spoke to today , who is a steward . AS just stared out Keane and said repeatedly "Your a Wan**r Your a Wan**r" till the punch was thrown.

I cant beleive that of our Alan....

hehe...

-- Anonymous, September 18, 2001

Garry Nelson in one of his books said he always liked it when he went back to Southend where he'd started his career and the crowd always appreciativelt sand "Garry Nelson what a winger, what a winger".

Maybe that's what Shearer was suggesting, a wider role for Keane, and he just misunderstood.

-- Anonymous, September 18, 2001