http://www.boston.com/dailyglobe2/254/nation/To_forgive_is_design+.shtml

To forgive is design

Promoted as therapy, the virtue makes a big comeback

By Patricia Wen, Globe Staff, 9/11/2001

Richard Nethercut, 75, struggled for years with depression after his daughter was raped and murdered in Seattle two decades ago. He felt guilty that he didn't do more to protect his 19-year-old, and that only made him hate her killer more.

But then, with the help of a psychologist, he was able to let go of his anger in a form of ''forgiveness therapy.'' He has actually talked with his daughter's killer once on the phone, and has begun volunteering in local prisons as a way to turn tragedy into something positive.

''My emphasis has been on forgiving the individual, but not the crime,'' said the retired Foreign Service official from Concord. ''In forgiving this man, I was better able to forgive myself in relation to my daughter. And that also helped lift my depression.''

In a dog-eat-dog world, the old virtue of forgiveness seems to be making a comeback. Psychologists and self-help groups - rather than religious leaders - are driving the new push toward forgiveness in human relationships. They say the fight-back, get-even attitude of many Americans just doesn't make people feel better over the long haul. In fact, they have statistics showing that people who were wronged and genuinely forgave their offenders had less depression, higher self-esteem, and fewer ailments.

The signs of a forgiveness boom are all around. Internet surfers can enter the ''Apology Room'' on a Newton-based forgiveness Web site, and find people contrite about everything from infidelity to short tempers. At Stanford University, scores of students take part in a Forgiveness Project where they learn to let go of tension-filled grudges against loved ones.

And, starting tomorrow, researchers will gather at College of the Holy Cross in Worcester to discuss the psychological and health benefits of forgiveness, as well as theological issues, in a national conference titled ''Toward a Deeper Understanding of Forgiveness.''

''What the major religions lacked is the psychological sophistication of the 20th century to make their exhortations'' about forgiveness ''more practical and available,'' said Fred Luskin, who runs the Stanford Forgiveness Project, which found that adults who underwent a six-week forgiveness training workshop showed fewer stress symptoms and more hopefulness.

In one study involving 55 Stanford students, all of whom acknowledged harboring resentment against a loved one who had hurt them, almost two-thirds said they felt less hurt after the training. Also, 35 percent reported heightened self-confidence and 22 percent reported increased feelings of hopefulness.

In the forgiveness program, participants are taught to analyze the source of their resentment and anger, then cut ''the negative cord that ties us to something that hurt us,'' Luskin said. He said participants learn to take hurt ''less personally and take more responsibility for how you feel.''

Much of this new drive toward the psychological study of forgiveness comes from $6 million in donations from private philanthropies, led by the John Templeton Foundation in Radnor, Pa. Templeton, a deeply religious investor who gives the well-known Templeton prize for the advancement of religious understanding, is interested in the scientific underpinnings of religion.

Private grants have funded at least 30 major studies to date, many of them nearing completion. They study such matters as whether forgiveness can lower anxiety levels in general or decrease blood pressure, simply by enabling people to let go of hostility. One study also looks at the human brain, and the ''neurological response associated with forgiveness and unforgivingness.''

The topic has clearly taken off. Since the mid-1990s, dozens of books have been released on the subject of forgiveness, numerous Web sites have cropped up, and each year, about a half-dozen conferences are held to study forgiveness, not just its theological origins but its therapeutic benefits.

''Forgiveness deserves a place at the psychological table,'' said Robert Enright, a psychology professor at the University of Wisconsin in Madison who is widely regarded as the ''father'' of forgiveness research.

The religious community, for the most part, seems pleased by the growing research into a virtue it has long held is good for the soul. Some theologians, however, express concern that some psychologists are turning forgiveness into a kind of quick-fix remedy for hurt feelings, a kind of forgiveness ''pill'' that focuses purely on the benefits it may offer the forgiver instead of how it benefits humanity.

''I worry if forgiveness becomes something that appeals fundamentally to self-interest,'' said Steven Pope, head of the theology department at Boston College. ''In other words, you forgive only for its benefits to you.''

In fact, secular and sacred researchers alike are debating exactly what it means to forgive. Theologians and many psychologists, including Enright, believe forgiveness starts with an acknowledgement that one has been hurt unjustly, and deserves to feel some resentment. Then comes a period, often prolonged, when the person analyzes what happened and makes a deliberate decision to release the negative feelings.

While some therapists think letting go of the bad feelings is enough to get the psychological benefits, others think more is required.

Enright believes that true forgiveness has a last stage, which includes some sort of positive feeling of compassion, empathy, or even reconciliation with the person who did the harm. He argues that emotional neutrality suggests full forgiveness has not occurred. A person can reach that last stage either by embracing that person as just part of the sea of flawed humanity, or simply downgrading the offense to something unworthy of deep grudges.

A North Andover woman in her late 40s said she has recently been able to reach that final stage of forgiveness for her husband since learning, four years ago, that he had been having a long-term affair. With the help of a psychologist, she said, she has been able to feel compassionately toward him, though their family, which includes three children, was on the brink of ruin.

''I felt so betrayed. I know this happens to a lot of people, but still it was so hard,'' she said. ''I felt all the trust I had worked on had been destroyed.''

The mother, who asked to remain anonymous, said she ''will never forgive the act, but I forgive the person.'' She said her anxiety levels were so high she had found it difficult to function normally, but, after she fully forgave, she felt much calmer and more relaxed.

But some injuries, such as the massacre of innocent people, may seem beyond the reach of forgiveness, though some researchers are trying.

Ervin Staub, a psychology professor at the University of Massachusetts in Amherst, has just finished a study in Rwanda where he and staff worked with members of two hostile groups, trying to help them understand the genocide of that land and work toward forgiveness. He said preliminary data show that the two groups were able to show greater empathy toward each other, perhaps reducing the risk of renewed violence.

Regardless of the offense, those who go through forgiveness therapy say it's far from easy or fast. A 53-year-old woman who lives in suburban Boston said she went through extensive therapy to reach a point of forgiving her father, who she said sexually abused her as a girl.

''Why keep wearing this victim persona?'' she said. ''At some point, I decided I had to move on with my life. There are some things you can't change.''

-- Anonymous, September 11, 2001