19 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN. Part II

10. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

11. Never lick a steak knife.

12. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

17. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

18. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

19. Your friends love you, anyway. Thursday, 9/6/01 Search the Web! FUNNY THOUGHTS "I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde

THE FRAGRANCE DEPARTMENT of a major New York City store where I work is always pushing the latest scents. Attractive models move about the floor offering to spray customers with the newest bouquet. One day, outside the store's restaurant, a model sprayed two women who had just finished their lunch. When one woman commented that the perfume was much too strong, the model replied, "The fragrance will be much softer once it dries and the alcohol wears off." "See!" her friend chided. "I told you not to have that second drink." -- Contributed to Reader's Digest "All in a Day's Work" by Christopher Daniels

MY DAUGHTER, Patti, was having difficulty balancing her checkbook, so I sent her a calculator. I included an extra set of batteries and this note: "These are for the first time you forget to turn off your calculator." "I appreciate your gift, Mom," she wrote back. "And thanks a lot for the extra batteries. You forgot to turn off the calculator." -- Contributed to Reader's Digest "Life in These United States" by Lari Osborn

-- Anonymous, September 07, 2001

Answers

1970: Long hair 2000: Longing for hair

1970: The perfect high 2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund

1970: KEG 2000: EKG

1970: Acid rock 2000: Acid reflux

1970: Moving to Calif. because it's cool 2000: Moving to Calif. because it's warm

1970: Growing pot 2000: Growing pot belly

1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents 2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids

1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1970: Seeds and stems 2000: Roughage

1970: Popping pills, smoking joints 2000: Popping joints

1970: Our President's struggle with Fidel 2000: Our President's struggle with fidelity

1970: Paar 2000: AARP

-- Anonymous, September 07, 2001

I WAS HELPING my daughter scrub her pet pig -- 250 pounds of squealing indignation -- in preparation for an upcoming state fair. The phone in the barn rang and I grabbed it. "Hello," I screamed above the earsplitting din. No answer. "Hello!" I tried again. "I can hear you," came the amused reply of Jean, the mother of three active preschool boys. "I just thought I'd never hear anybody whose kids made more noise than mine when their mother got on the phone." -- Contributed to Reader's Digest "Life in These United States" by Mary Havens

-- Anonymous, September 07, 2001