I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it goes...I decide to do work on the car, start to the garage and notice the mail on the table. OK, I'm going to work on the car... BUT FIRST I'm going to go through the mail. Lay car keys down on desk. After discarding the junk mail, I notice the trash can is full. OK, I'll Just put the bills on my desk....BUT FIRST I'll take the trash out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox, I'll address a few bills.... Yes, Now where is the checkbook? Oops..there's only one check left. Where did I put the extra checks? Oh, there is my empty plastic cup from last night on my desk. I'm going to look for those checks... BUT FIRST I need to put the cup back in the kitchen. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice the flowers need a drink of water, I put the cup on the counter and there's my extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter. What are they doing here? I'll just put them away... BUT FIRST need to water those plants. I head for the door and... Aaaagh! someone left the TV remote on the wrong spot. Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants... BUT FIRST I need to find those checks. END OF DAY: Oil in car not changed, bills still unpaid, cup still in the sink, checkbook still has only one check left, lost my car keys, .. And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because... I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY!

19 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN. Part I

1. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

2. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

3. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

9. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." Wednesday, 9/5/01 Search the Web! FUNNY THOUGHTS "You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty." - Sacha Guitry A FRIEND OF MINE was telling me about her six-year-old nephew, who was playing in his first ball game. The boy went up to bat, and on his second swing he connected with a two-base hit. The kid must not have been coached on what to do next, or else he was completely caught up in the moment. He took off for the pitcher's mound, tackled the pitcher, turned around with a big grin and threw the "thumbs up" sign at his dad in the grandstand. I asked my friend what the boy's father did then, and she replied, "Like any other proud parent, he stood up and clapped." -- Contributed to Reader's Digest "Life in These United States" by Ginger L. Fenton

-- Anonymous, September 05, 2001

Answers

For those in midlife and those who will be there before they know it.

Midlife is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache. In midlife women no longer have upper arms, we have wing-spans. We are no

longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag. Midlife is when you can stand @ a mirror & you can see your rear end without turning around. Midlife is when you go for a mammogram & realize that it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless on film. Midlife is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top & scream "Listen honey, even the Roman Empire fell, & those will too!" Midlife brings with it the wisdom to know that life throws us curves & we're sitting on our biggest ones. Midlife is when you look at your know-it-all, beeper-wearing/cell phone kid thinking "For this I have stretch marks?". In midlife your memory starts to go. In fact, the only thing you can still retain is water. Midlife means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally....more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin. Midlife means that you become more reflective. You start pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

A bird in the hand is a certainty, but a bird in the bush may sing. - Bret Harte

-- Anonymous, September 05, 2001