Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.

As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."

The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog doo, 20 feet back."

QUICK WIT:

A CARD YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK

"How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?"

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was my blood alcohol content.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

I don't do drugs anymore because I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary's.

Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."

THE ARMY often gives out field rations to soldiers sent on training missions far from the unit. However, many soldiers despise these MREs -- Meals Ready to Eat. During a 20-minute lunch break at Fort Benning, Ga., my company of trainees gathered under some trees to eat our prepackaged rations. One soldier observed me bow my head in reverence over the bundle in brown plastic. When I looked up, he said, "Your prayer didn't work. The MRE is still there." -- Contributed to Reader's Digest "Humor in Uniform" by 1st Lt. Matthew A. Ritchie

-- Anonymous, September 04, 2001