August 29, 2001

Spiritual spoofs

By Julia Duin THE WASHINGTON TIMES

In the beginning were two Christian best sellers, "Left Behind" and "The Prayer of Jabez." And these two books were without discernable form, and void of heavy theology. And darkness was on the face of the buying public, which snapped up millions of these books, making their authors very rich.

And God said, "Let there be parodies."

And so there were.

Published by Canon Press, a small Moscow, Idaho, publisher, the parodies are "The Mantra of Jabez," whipped off in one month by Douglas M. Jones, and "Right Behind," written by Nathan D. Wilson. Both are professors at New St. Andrew's College, a Christian institution.

They are part of a rarity in evangelical Christian life: humorists who poke fun at churches' sacred cows.

"When evangelicals were a struggling Jesus movement, they were harder to parody," says Bob Darden, senior editor for the Dallas-based magazine "The Door," a Christian satire magazine. "Now that they are so big, when you have people like Ralph Reed or Pat Robertson influencing national politics, you need someone to yell, 'The emperor is buck naked.'"

A few Web sites out there lampoon evangelicals: www.landoverbaptist.org is a pseudo-cyber-church that touts "Dating Tips for Christian Men," "Religious Outerwear for Every Occasion," "Scary Bible T-shirts," and a "permanent injunction against all unsaved persons" to get off the site.

Or there is www.ship-of-fools.com, a British site with entries for "Savanarola lookalikes," an essay on the "liturgical importance of gin," a "biblical curse generator" that allows one to "smite the enemy with the help of the hard men of the Old Testament" and the day's question: "Where Would Jesus Surf?"

"I do believe God has a sense of humor," says Mr. Darden, whose publication runs its own humor site at www.thedoormagazine.com. "I believe that in heaven, the people in the greatest positions of authority will be clowns and those who laugh."

Mr. Jones, 38, a conservative Presbyterian, wrote "The Mantra of Jabez" out of disgust over the original Jabez book, a slim volume written by Chamblee, Ga., evangelist Bruce Wilkinson that has sold millions. The book recites a one-sentence prayer from 1 Chronicles 4, which, if repeated daily, Mr. Wilkinson wrote, could result in all sorts of blessings.

Mr. Jones rebelled at this.

His parody asserts the popular prayer has become a mantra -- a Hindu term that would never resonate with most Christians -- to a push-button God who dispenses blessings when given the right combination of words.

"American evangelicalism is so thin and narrow as to what it considers important," Mr. Jones says. "The book mirrors contemporary Christianity: It delights in immaturity. God is this coddling person who protects us from all pain."

The parody book was introduced at a Christian Booksellers Association convention in July.

"We were half hoping to get kicked out, so we could get 'banned at the CBA' on the cover," he says. "But people actually thanked us for writing it. People know there is something goofy about both books, but are afraid of articulating it. Most felt the books were trivializing Christianity."

A spokeswoman for Mr. Wilkinson disclaimed any knowledge of the book.

Mr. Wilson, 23, who introduced his "Right Behind" book at the CBA also, calls the object of his satire "marshmallow theology."

His target: a series of Christian tomes on events leading up to the end of the world, co-written by San Diego evangelist Tim LaHaye and Colorado Springs novelist Jerry Jenkins. The ninth book in the series, "Desecration," is due out Oct. 30, with a print run of 2.8 million.

Including children's and audio versions, 42 million of these books are in print. "Left Behind" is the first book of the series and the title of a movie patterned after the book. The seventh and eighth books in the series have all been atop the major, weekly hardcover-fiction best-seller lists, and its Web site, www.leftbehind.com, gets 60,000 hits a day.

Publicist Beverly Rykerd said both authors have received but have not read the parody. She added that the publisher, Tyndale House, commissioned a recent survey that revealed widespread belief in the Second Coming and the Rapture, a belief that the world's Christians will ascend into heaven just before Armageddon.

"People refer to the Rapture as being very fringe, but 64 percent of Americans have heard of the phrase," she says. "Forty-four percent believed it would happen. When asked if they believed the world would end supernaturally, 40 percent said yes, 50 percent said no and 10 percent didn't know.

"But when asked about whether Jesus would return on Earth, 64 percent said very likely."

"It has sold an amazing amount," Mr. Wilson says, "but as all of us know, high sales doesn't mean something is good."

Mr. Wilson's parody starts out with a steamy love scene -- usually verboten in evangelical books -- loaded with Christian cliches. The main character, named Rayford Steele in the real book, but renamed Buford Tin in the parody, spends much of the book lusting after a flight attendant.

"I can't imagine surviving without humor in terms of looking at Protestant Christian churches," says Mr. Wilson, who like Mr. Jones belongs to an evangelical Presbyterian church. "If we did not have humor, we'd shoot ourselves."

He wrote the spoof in two weeks after getting his master's degree this spring at St. John's College in Annapolis. He got his fill of evangelical culture, he says, by attending Liberty University during the 1999-2000 school year.

Then he stumbled across the "Left Behind" books.

"A lot of people say they are trashy, but I enjoyed reading them," he said. "Look at the stock cliches. Jerry Jenkins wouldn't know metaphor if it sat on him."

Neither he nor Mr. Jones mocks Scripture, he says, "but we would mock their application of it."

In the world of Christian humorists, televangelists are especially easy targets. The Door's Mr. Darden says his organization has had a field day providing secular TV with clips for its take-offs on Christian evangelists, notably the Dallas-based televangelist Benny Hinn.

"We came into possession of an extraordinary clip of Benny Hinn's wife, who was shouting that 'what this country needs is a Holy Ghost enema,'" he says. "We did the only Christian thing we could do: We sent a copy to Comedy Central."

Other targets: televangelist Pat Robertson -- "he's always a lot of fun to do"; Focus on the Family founder James Dobson, and disgraced televangelist Robert Tilton, who although decked by a ABC's "Prime Time Live" expose 10 years ago, has recently appeared on the BET and Univision cable networks.

"We think humor will bring down a lot more empires than investigations will," he says. "As long as we continue to make fun of them, it is hard for them to come back to their original level of power. You have to keep laughing in order to not cry."

-- Anonymous, August 29, 2001

Answers

From http://www.ship-of- fools.com/Signs/index.html

This page contains the 10 most recent gaffes, blunders and Freudian slips from sermons, prayers and church newsletters, as seen and heard by our readers. All painful examples are gratefully received. Please send your contribution to us by emailing the details.

Dr John Barry Talley spills the beans from his years directing choirs and playing the organ at the Naval Academy Chapel in Annapolis:

During my 30-year tenure as music director I have witnessed much abuse of the English language as rendered by our midshipmen scripture readers. My favorite remains a reading from Genesis 15:17 that took an odd turn as the student proclaimed:

When the sun had set and it was dark, there appeared...

(here the young man paused as if to say, "this can't be right, but I'm going ahead," and continued with a voice filled with awe and wonderment)

... a smoking brassiere and a flaming torch, which passed between those pieces.

The large congregation was convulsed, and the celebrant, Fr John J O'Connor (later cardinal at St Patrick's Cathedral, New York City) on the Monday following instituted a new class for lay readers.

Steve Edwards writes to share a story from the Church of the Good Shepherd in Aylesbury, Buckinghamshire: Our vicar was preaching about how Christians often knock other denominations, and made the following memorable statement...

Many consider the charismatic church to be the most forgiving, but in fact, the charismatic church has some of the biggest knockers.

Only two people out of the whole congregation appreciated the humour in what he had said. I don't know if that's sad or admirable.

Paul Dunham writes: One day while trading horror stories of blunders made during church services, a clergy friend of mine, Rev. Gregg McGarvey, who pastors in eastern North Carolina, told this story which topped us all.

"I was in the middle of a wedding," he said, "and I made just the slightest error in my speech. It took the people's breath away when I asked the groom...

Will you take Mary to be your lawfully bedded wife... (slight pause) ... wedded wife... your wedded wife?

I tried to go on as though I has said nothing wrong, but the room had people trying to hold back their laughter all over the place. I don't think her mother has ever forgiven me."

From Eamonn MacCrossan, Simpsonville, South Carolina: I attended a house church in Ireland many years ago. The preacher was at times ferocious and could preach fire and brimstone like nobody else. One particular night he was really getting into it and the flames of hell were licking around the room when suddenly he stopped and said...

Aaah! But when we get to heaven we shall see the marks brothers!

At this point everyone in the room started squirming and shoulders were puffing up and down. People left en masse for the bathroom. I still have tears in my eyes thinking about it.

From Robert Barber, Streatham, South London: I was once at a service where the sermon tackled the debate in the early Church over whether or not Christians should be circumcised. The preacher commented...

Of course, the early Christians weren't going to just baptize anybody willy nilly.

From George Wells, church unknown: A few years ago on the feast of Pentecost, our lay reader read the traditional lesson from Acts chapter 2, with its long list of countries from the ancient world. He read...

And how is it we all hear them in our own language when we are...

[long painful pause]

... people from faraway places with strange sounding names.

From Polk Culpepper: It was the custom of our minister to use Eucharistic Prayer D from the American Book of Common Prayer on All Saints Sunday. The prayer has a rather lengthy introduction to the Sanctus and includes the phrase, "Countless throngs of angels stand before you to serve you night and day." Our good but perhaps tired leader dropped an "r" and prayed...

Countless thongs of angels stand before you to serve you night and day.

The congregation departed with a somewhat unorthodox image of angels.

A story (and a plea for help) from John King: During one of my visits to the Airport Fellowship in Toronto back in 1996, I remember a song which had the first lines...

I come undone whenever you show yourself, I come undone and in a moment desire nothing else...

It struck me as funny then and it still does – but have you ever heard of it? I'm having trouble convincing the other brethren that it exists.

Tim Edworthy of Wellington Square Baptist Church, Hastings, England, has turned himself in for committing a recent blunder. He writes: I thought I'd better shop myself before one of my congregation does. At a recent service in our church, I announced a song with an unfortunate spoonerism. Instead of...

I am a lighthouse, a shining and bright house...

... it came out as...

I am a lighthouse, a brining and shite house.

Half of the congregation tittered away, while the rest remained po-faced!

Dale Hansen writes: Many years ago, my brother was preaching in a church of about 100 people in a town about the same size. Most of the worshipers were farmers and all quite fundamentalist.

One Sunday the chairman of the church board (who was the oldest elder and deacon), got up to read from the Bible. He wore a three-piece pinstriped suit, perfect tie, and had all the dignity and grandeur that he could muster, reading in a loud clear voice...

"...and God gave the word to the Jews and to the genitals, and to the genitals he also gave the word..."

My brother, who was sitting with the choir, said that for several seconds before the congregation finally burst out laughing, he felt the pew shaking as the choir fought to hold in their laughter.

-- Anonymous, August 29, 2001

A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it. The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque." "Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, climbs down the bar, runs across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle, or else no drink", says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy." "Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."

-- Anonymous, August 29, 2001

Today's CyberSmile. . . IN THE MID-1950s my father completed a tour of duty at Elmendorf Air Force Base in Anchorage, Alaska. We were stationed with him and returned to Seattle aboard the troopship USS Funston. As troop commander, Dad was charged with conducting daily inspections of the men's quarters, galley and mess hall. My four-year-old brother, Stuart, tagged along one day. As usual, the galley gleamed, the floors were spotless, and the mess-hall tables and condiment containers were aligned with military precision. My father was about to pass the inspection when Stuart piped up, "Daddy, look at all the gum under the table!" Dad bent down to the eye level of a small child, and was horrified to see years' worth of petrified chewing gum covering the bottoms of the tables. The mess hall did not pass inspection until later that day and the troops who scraped off all that gum could happily have thrown my little brother in the brig. -- Contributed to Reader's Digest "Humor in Uniform" by Margaret M. Miller

-- Anonymous, August 30, 2001

Pearly Gates

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings to her -- "Hello" "How are you! We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word", Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?", the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word", the woman told him.

"Which word?", her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

-- Anonymous, August 31, 2001