Something Borrowed, Something Blue

By Al Kamen

Wednesday, August 29, 2001; Page A19

And now, the winners of the In the Loop Give Bill's Book a Title contest to help sell former president Bill Clinton's memoirs. Entries came from around the country and even around the world. As would be expected, a substantial number exceeded the raunch meter.

Most entries related to thongs, cigars, stained dresses, pardons, the meaning of "is" and the Wizard thereof and so forth, but not a single mention of the budget surplus. Not one.

Instead, we had "Devil in the Blue Dress," or "Sax Between the Bushes" or "Pardon Me" or numerous variations of the hit movie "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon."

On a higher brow, Bruce Carlson, who works for the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers here, suggested "For Whom the Belle Told." Freelance editor Alfred Friendly Jr. favored a more Chaucerian take: "A Pardoner's Tale."

On a lower brow, Mark Weingart of Silver Spring, a federal employee, entered "You Make My Knees Knock: 100 Pickup Lines That Work." Public Citizen chief operating officer Joseph A. Zillo liked: "Thongs for the Memories." New York attorney Andrew Otis adopted a more wistful tone: "Sometimes a Cigar Is Just a Cigar."

Clinton's legendary eating habits brought several fine entries, including: "Veni, Vidi, Mangi (I Came, I Saw, I Ate)" submitted by Arielle Masters of Oak Hill, Va., and "Lord of the Fries," submitted by Morgan Till, associate producer in the media unit of the NewsHour With Jim Lehrer. Other winners:

• A quintessentially Washington entry -- combining the food, the women and the wonkery -- came from Tom Glynn, director of cancer science and trends at the American Cancer Society: "Fries, Floozies, and Forming Counterarguments to Medicare Reform of Subpart B, Particularly as it Pertains to Catastrophic Coverage and Routine Care for the Frail Elderly, as Described in Paragraphs 3.8 and 14.7, Part A."

• "Escaping Impeachment for Dummies," was offered by Doug Hecox, a federal employee who won a mug in the recent Bush Rebate contest.

• The Clinton administration's legendary spin machine generated a host of entries, including: "Willy Wonka and the Spin Factory," submitted by Raymond F. Brown, a U.S. Geological Survey official in Brandon, S.D., and "Gone With the Spin" from D.C. lawyer Peter Krug.

• Finally, two titles that would be most intriguing for potential buyers. From Col. Paul VanGorden, who works in the U.S. Embassy in The Hague, whose e-mail at 2:49 a.m. EST was the first received: "I Might Have." And from Brent Wilkes, executive director of the League of United Latin American Citizens: "If They Only Knew."

-- Anonymous, August 29, 2001