http://www.lelands.com/auction/auctioneer.exe?SiteId=LELANDS&Item=452

The most explosive Presidential scandal archive in private hands. Monica gets one lover, Bill Clinton, to send another lover a letter on White House stationery. This and many letters of Monica as well as other relics were Starr exhibits used to impeach President Clinton. The archive includes items that relate to Kate and Andrew Bleiler. The Bleilers were in the news most notably in a front lawn news conference during the Lewinsky scandal. Andrew Bleiler was a teacher with whom Monica had a five-year torrid affair, and he was quoted as saying that Monica told him she was going to Washington to "get her presidential knee pads." Included are a photo of Bill and Hillary Clinton, signed to the Bleilers with autopen, a photo of Bill to Andrew Bleiler signed with autopen, an authentically signed White House letter from Bill Clinton to Andrew Bleiler, two notes referencing Monica's address in her hand, eight personal cards in Monica's hand, some containing photos of Senator Dole's backyard at the Watergate, of Monica's graduation signed "Me" by her, and of Monica. In addition, there are four programs from Holidays at the White House, 1995, three boxes of Presidential M&M's, one box of Presidential Whitman's Chocolates, one Presidential matchbook, and seven articles of clothing, including a sexy slip that Monica gave to Mrs. Bleiler. All was once worn by Monica. A letter of authenticity for each wardrobe item is signed by the former Mrs. Bleiler. Number of Bids : 0

-- Cherri (jessam6@home.com), August 24, 2001

Answers

Hi Cherri, Anita invited me to the forum, glad to meet you, Whitman's chocolates?? Yuk, only in a bad PMS emergency would I eat that brand of chocolate!!

-- bitchslapper (bitchslapper@kotex.com), August 24, 2001.

My family has owned and operated Whitman's Chocolates for four generations. We are proud of our product and proud of our reputation in the industry and among the general public.

Your handle, bitchslapper, is a poor choice. Your taste in fine chocolate is equally offensive. Praytell, are you a Lindt or Godiva user? Chocolate snob you are! What's wrong with buying American, you female dog abuser you? Our Sampler not good enough for you? RIGHT! You've done it now!

-- Rich (living_in_interesting_times@hotmail.com), August 24, 2001.

Inspector: 'ELLO!

Mr. Hilton: 'Ello.

Inspector: Mr. 'ilton?

Hilton: A-yes?

Inspector: You are the sole proprietor and owner of the Whizzo Chocolate Company?

Mr. Hilton: I am, yes.

Inspector: Constable Clitoris and I are from the 'ygiene squad, and we'd like to have a word with you about your box of chocolates entitled the 'Whizzo Quality Assortment'.

Mr. Hilton: Oh, yes.

Inspector: If I may begin at the beginning. First there is the Cherry Fondue. Now this is extremely nasty. (pause) But we can't prosecute you for that.

Mr. Hilton: Ah, agreed.

Inspector: Then we have number four. Number four: Crunchy Frog.

Mr. Hilton: Yes.

Inspector: Am I right in thinking there's a real frog in 'ere?

Mr. Hilton: Yes, a little one.

Inspector: What sort of frog?

Mr. Hilton: A...a *dead* frog.

Inspector: Is it cooked?

Mr. Hilton: No.

Inspector: What, a RAW frog?!?

Mr. Hilton: Oh, we use only the finest baby frogs, dew-picked and flown from Iraq, cleansed in the finest quality spring water, lightly killed, and sealed in a succulent, Swiss, quintuple-smooth, treble- milk chocolate envelope, and lovingly frosted with glucose.

Inspector: That's as may be, but it's still a frog!

Mr. Hilton: What else?

Inspector: Well, don't you even take the bones out?

Mr. Hilton: If we took the bones out, it wouldn't be crunchy, would it?

Inspector: Constable Clitoris et one of those!! We have to protect the public!

Constable: Uh, would you excuse me a moment, Sir? (exits)

Inspector: We have to protect the public! People aren't going to think there's a real frog in chocolate! Constable Clitoris thought it was an almond whirl! They're bound to expect some sort of mock frog!

Mr. Hilton: (outraged) MOCK frog!?! We use NO artificial additives or preservatives of ANY kind!

Inspector: Nevertheless, I advise you in future to replace the words 'Crunchy Frog' with the legend, 'Crunchy, Raw, Unboned Real Dead Frog' if you wish to avoid prosecution!

Mr. Hilton: What about our sales?

Inspector: FUCK your sales! We've got to protect the public! Now what about this one, number five, it was number five, wasn't it? Number five: Ram's Bladder Cup. (beat) Now, what sort of confectionery is that?

Mr. Hilton: Oh, we use only the finest juicy chunks of fresh Cornish Ram's bladder, emptied, steamed, flavoured with sesame seeds, whipped into a fondue, and garnished with lark's vomit.

Inspector: LARK'S VOMIT?!?!?

Mr. Hilton: Correct.

Inspector: It doesn't say anything here about lark's vomit!

Mr. Hilton: Ah, it does, on the bottom of the box, after 'monosodium glutamate'.

Inspector: I hardly think that's good enough! I think it's be more appropriate if the box bore a great red label: 'WARNING: LARK'S VOMIT!!!'

Mr. Hilton: Our sales would plummet!

Inspector: (screaming) Well why don't you move into more conventional areas of confectionary??!!

(the constable returns)

Inspector: Like Praline, or, or Lime Creme, a very popular flavor, I'm lead to understand. Or Raspberry Delite. I mean, what's this one, what's this one? 'Ere we are: Cockroach Cluster! -- Anthrax Ripple!

Constable: MMMMWWWAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!! (Throws up in helmet)

Inspector: (continuing) And what is this one: Spring Surprise?

Mr. Hilton: Ah, that's one of our specialities. Covered in dark, velvety chocolate, when you pop it into your mouth, stainless steel bolts spring out and plunge straight through both cheeks.

Inspector: (stunned) Well where's the pleasure in THAT?!? If people pop a nice little chockie into their mouth, they don't expect to get their cheeks pierced!!! In any case, it is an inadequate description of the sweetmeat. I shall have to ask you to accompany me to the station.

Mr. Hilton: (shrugging) It's a fair cop.

Inspector: And DON'T talk to the audience.

Wizzo Chocolate Company sketch, by the Monty Python comedy troupe (Chocolates used in the original skit provided by...wait for it...Whitman's Chocolate Company, LTD.

-- Rich (living_in_interesting_times@hotmail.com), August 24, 2001.

Whitman’s is generally considered to be a low rate product and this Consumer Report from 1996 has them second from last. Obviously they are good enough to stay in business and ‘someone’ has to be at the bottom.

http://www.petrix.com/choco/

-- For (me@it's.See's), August 24, 2001.

mmmmmmm.....See's pecan sandies =P

-- (cin@cin.cin), August 24, 2001.

I think you'll find this very appetizing too! I know it's scrumptious to me. And my friend Monica will agree.

-- AbbyLane2001 (willothewisp2001@hotmail.com), August 24, 2001.

Rich, ever get a stale box of Whitman's chocolates? I have, then I switched to Hershey's, LOL !! Chocolate snob? Never, just like a good bite to satisfy the bitchies. Me a dog bitchslapper? Nope, just people who defend Whitman's chocolate my friend.

For the record, white chocolate sucks.

Inspector, I hope that frog didn't suffer.

-- bitchslapper (bitchslapper@kotex.com), August 24, 2001.

Forgot to take my medication this A.M. Getting harder and harder to find a vein that won't collapse. Without it my inherent strangeness tends to reach new heights. I've not tried Whitman's products, so I'll accept the consensus opinion that they are low-grade.

Besides, chocolate is predominantly a chick drug. :)

-- Rich (living_in_interesting_times@hotmail.com), August 24, 2001.