SYMPTOM - FAULT - ACTION Feet cold and wet. Glass being held at incorrect angle. Rotate glass so that open end points towards ceiling.

Feet warm and wet. Improper bladder control. Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

Beer unusually pale and tasteless. Glass empty. Get someone to buy you another beer.

Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. You have fallen over backward. Have yourself leashed to the bar.

Mouth contains cigarette butts. You have fallen forward. See above

Beer tasteless,front of your shirt is wet Mouth not open,or glass applied to wrong part of face. Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

Floor blurred You are looking through bottom of empty glass Get someone to buy you another beer.

Floor moving You are being carried out Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

Everyone looks up to you and smiles. You are dancing on the table. Fall on somebody cushy-looking

Beer is crystal clear It's water,sombody is trying to sober you up. Punch him.

You don't recognise anyone,don't recognise the room your in. You've wandered into the wrong party. See if they have free beer.

Your singing sounds distorted The beer is too weak. Have more beer untill your voice improves.

You don't remember the words to the song. Beer just right. Play air guitar.

have a good weekend :-) 0-1 . Ha-way the lads... eieieio etc

-- Anonymous, August 17, 2001