The self-styled "Guv'nor" - who's output I suspect is really penned collectively by Teletext hacks trying to do each other in witless sub-tabloid sh!te - predicts a 10th place finish for us and a 2-1 defeat at Chelsea, which in all fairness is what a lot of Toon fans expect as well.

It's when you flick forward two pages and witness "him" prophesying Reid's Mighty Mackemsinexorable progress towards a 6th place finish and a UEFA spot(boosted by a 1-0 victory at home to Ipswich)that the nausea sets in.

The good news is that the "Guv'nor"'s Toon predictions were almost always wrong last season.

The bad news is that Henry Winter in the Telegraph, who I consider (and I can only discuss sports writers in negative terms) one of the least-bad commentators, agrees with "him".

Being honest: do either of them have a point?

-- Anonymous, August 17, 2001

Answers

You talkin' to me? Well, I'm the only one here. Who the f--k do you think you're talkin' to?

-- Anonymous, August 17, 2001

The bookies have the maKems at 80-1 to win the league, around 7th-8th in the league. We are about 150 -1 and expected to finish between 9th - 12th. Some cokney pratt on Sky Tv this morning said that he thinks we would be in the relegation battle this season if Cort and Shearer are absent for long spells.

-- Anonymous, August 17, 2001

Henry Winter is a top bloke and has a bit of a soft-spot for the toon - he used to work on The Indy with a mate of mine. Hope he's wrong with his predictions this time mind.

-- Anonymous, August 17, 2001

I really rate Henry Winter, too, partly because he's so nice about Newcastle and partly because he is about the only journalist to be respectful of Alan Shearer.

-- Anonymous, August 17, 2001