FORD TO MEDIA: 'STOP SAYING CONDIT LOOKS LIKE ME'

Star Miffed at Reports of His Resemblance to 'Little Troll'

Hollywood megastar Harrison Ford denounced the media today for repeatedly describing Congressman Gary A. Condit (D- CA) as a "Harrison Ford look-alike," saying that such characterizations had caused him great emotional distress and could hurt his viability as a major box-office draw.

"Anyone who thinks Condit looks like me should get his eyes checked," an irate Ford said at a press conference at New York's exclusive Pierre Hotel. "Take a good look at him -- the guy's a shriveled-up little troll."

Ford, who rode to box-office fame in such films as "Star Wars" and "Raiders of the Lost Ark," added that there were other film stars whom Condit more closely resembled.

"How about Don Knotts?" Ford angrily asked the assembled press corps. "Do your goddamn homework -- that's who that bastard looks like."

Congressman Condit had no response to the comments made at the Ford press conference, but a spokesman for Condit indicated that the Congressman did, in fact, resemble the noted film star, who most recently entertained audiences in the hit thriller, "What Lies Beneath."

"Let's not have a rush to judgment," said Abbe Lowell, Mr. Condit's attorney. "If you look at Congressman Condit in a dark restaurant and kind of squint a little, he does look sort of like Harrison Ford, only shorter and older-looking, and not nearly as handsome."

As for Don Knotts, the former "Three's Company" star could not be reached for comment, but a spokesman for Mr. Knotts indicated that Ford's remarks comparing him to Condit were "out of line."

"I don't know where he comes off saying Condit looks like Don," the Knotts spokesman said. "If anything, he looks like Norman Fell."

-- Anonymous, August 14, 2001

Answers

Source PLEASE!!!!!!! ROFLMAOAPMP

-- Anonymous, August 14, 2001

Oh hell, wouldn't you know it--one of the few times I forget to put a source name. . . Lemme see if I can dig it up. (No pun intended.)

-- Anonymous, August 14, 2001

http://borowitzreport.com/

Pretty funny, isn't he?

-- Anonymous, August 14, 2001

now HERE is who condit really looks like.....



heh

-- Anonymous, August 14, 2001

speaking of look alikes...

-- Anonymous, August 15, 2001

Another colorful description: "this immoral prick from lala land" Snort!

http://capitolhillblue.com/rant.asp?ID=2148

Gary Condit is guilty as sin

Wednesday, August 15, 2001

At the very least, California Democratic Congressman Gary Condit is guilty of felony stupidity.

The 53-year-old skirt chasing representative has not only repeatedly cheated on his wife and lied about when he did, he warned his various lovers of dire consequences if they talked about sharing his bed, recruited his staff to participate in his many cover-ups, tried to dispose of evidence of wrongdoing and stonewalled the police investigation into the baffling disappearance of one of his lovers, 24-year-old intern Chandra Levy.

That much we know for sure. What we still don’t know is what, if anything, this immoral prick from lala land had to do with Levy’s disappearance on or about May 1 of this year.

Friends at the Department of Justice tell me they think Condit is up to his overactive keister in complicity in Levy’s vanishing act. They just can’t prove it.

Hell, they can’t even prove anything untoward happened to the young intern who had the misfortune of being the latest of Condit’s many conquests.

She’s missing. That’s all anyone knows. No evidence of foul play, no evidence of suicide, no evidence of anything. She’s gone. Vanished. Without a trace. It would be easier to prove Elvis is still alive.

Which suggests to those who do this sort of thing for a living that Chandra’s removal from public view is the work of a pro.

“When you have no evidence, no body and no leads, it often points to a pro who knows how to get rid of someone,” says James Hargill, a private investigator and former homicide detective. “Pros don’t do charity work. If a pro is involved with Chandra Levy’s disappearance, its means someone had to hire that pro.”

Like who?

“The first place you look is for whoever had the most to lose,” Hargill says. “Was Ms. Levy a threat to someone? Who needed her to go away, permanently?”

Survey says (ding!)…Congressman Gary Condit!

At least two of Condit’s previous lovers say he was paranoid as hell over people finding out he was dallying with sweet young things outside the bounds of holy matrimony. Both a United Airlines flight attendant and a former staff member who banged bellies with the Congressman say they were warned not to talk to the FBI.

Which is why Condit and some members of his staff are now under investigation for obstruction of justice.

But FBI agents say privately they think Condit had even more to do with Levy’s disappearance, even though Washington police continue to say he is not a suspect.

“Technically, they have to say that,” Hargill says. “You can’t have a suspect if you don’t have a crime. Right now, Ms. Levy is still only a missing person. It’s not a crime to be missing.”

But Anne Marie Smith, the flight attendant who broke off her affair with Condit after she found out he was also bedding Levy, says he called her right about the time Chandra went missing to say he was in trouble and might have to “disappear for a while.”

Phone records show that call came not from Condit’s office or Washington apartment, but from a phone booth near Luray, Virginia, home of a tourist attraction called Luray Caverns and surrounded by mountains.

Without fanfare, FBI agents have been talking to folks in and around Luray and searching that rural area. If they have learned anything, they’re not talking about it.

Condit, in the meantime, is planning to run for re-election, even though surveys say his constituents won’t re-elect him and three newspapers in his district have called on him to resign.

His chief of staff told CNN the Congressman still has work to do in Washington.

There are still women in this town he hasn’t laid.

(Doug Thompson is the founder of Capitol Hill Blue. The Rant appears whenever the mood suits him)

-- Anonymous, August 15, 2001

This guy is funny!

-- Anonymous, August 15, 2001