(This is a fictional, low-budget commercial brought to you by the people at Under-Ease protective underwear.)

Matt: Hey, Becky. How are you today?

Becky: I'm doing fine. And you?

Matt: Great since I got my new Under-Ease.

Becky: What's Under-Ease?

Riiippp

(Becky displays a look of horror.)

Becky: Did you just ... just ... ?

Matt: Yes, I did. But you don't smell anything, right?

Becky (smiling): Wow, you're right. I've got to get a pair of those.

(Voice-over: Do you suffer from flatulence? No need to make innocent bystanders or loved ones suffer anymore. Under-Ease, with a patented charcoal filter system, eliminates bad odours so you can lead a normal, active life. For only $24.95 (U.S.)— that's $24.95 (U.S.) — you, too, can be odour-free. Don't wait! Order now!)

Flatulence jokes have been around since, well, the Big Bang.

But truth be told, some of us have a legitimate gas problem. Doctors say millions suffer from gastrointestinal disorders such as irritable bowel syndrome, colitis, lactose intolerance and Crohn's disease, making them more gassy than usual.

But a Pueblo, Colo., couple, Buck and Arlene Weimer, think they've invented the perfect product that promises to wipe out the stink surrounding flatulence.

Six years ago after a hearty Thanksgiving dinner, Arlene, who has Crohn's disease, was, well, tooting all night long. Buck could only cringe and hold his breath.

So Buck, 62, put his nose to the grindstone and developed Under-Ease, an airtight pair of skivvies made from nylon with an "exit hole" so gas can flow through a porous fabric and into a filter.

Under-Ease has a seven-layer filter system with charcoal sandwiched between Australian sheep's wool. The filter is  1/4-inch thick so it's not particularly bulky, and Buck says it's undetectable underneath regular clothing.

Arlene tested the prototype for four years. "So I could live with her, so to speak," the husband quips.

The Weimers then enlisted the help of the public by placing ads in newspapers looking for volunteers to try their product. About 50 brave souls from California, Colorado and Missouri answered the call in the name of medical-product advancement.

From their comments, the Weimers, whose company is named Under-Tec Corp., made modifications to the underwear. Currently, it comes in five sizes from small to extra-large for both men and women. (The company is working on an extra-small.)

The company, whose Web site is http://www.under-tec.com, is changing the material from nylon to 100 per cent cotton for a more natural feel.

Since going on sale last February, about 700 pairs of Under-Ease have been sold to people all over the globe, Buck says. Some, he knows, buy them as gag gifts.

Can't you just see them at 40-year-old birthday parties everywhere? "Time to blow out the candles," some wisecrack will shout.

The underwear is washable and lasts about five to six months. Filters, understandably, have a shorter life. About two to three months, depending on the amount and strength of gas being released, Buck explains.

While it is the only wearable flatulence filter available, there are a few related products such as the flatulence filter pad, which disguises itself as a seat cushion and is made by Houston-based UltraTech Products, Inc.

Weimer knows you can't enter the underwear/flatulence business without a good sense of humour. The couple takes all the cut-the-cheese and pull-my-finger jokes in stride. They did, after all, raise three devilish sons.

The company's motto even hints of comedy: "Wear them for the ones you love."

How about this one: "Let's put the word "flat" back in flatulence."

Web sites (such as XFio.com) devoted to human tooting claim the average person breaks wind 14 times a day for a daily production of a half litre of gas.

You can hear the excitement in Buck's voice when he talks about the next campaign in the fight against flatulence: aroma fabric.

That's right, instead of leaving a toxic trail, he envisions the therapeutic aroma of roses, which would still be a dead giveaway that you let something escape.

So maybe the Weimers have solved the problem of smell, but what about the thunder before the storm — the split-second warning system that reminds us of the duck-and-cover atomic bomb days?

"This is not a muffler," Buck Weimer warns.

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-- Anonymous, August 10, 2001