The Good 'n' hoarse of Troyes

greenspun.com : LUSENET : Unofficial Newcastle United Football Club BBS : One Thread

(I hereby submit my entry for the worst thread title of the Year.)

Well here I am back in sunny Geordieland after the visit to Troyes in the heart of France's champagne country. I regret to tell you that we are p*ssed through rather than p*ssed as the heavens opened and I won't say it rained hard but I did see a bloke loading pairs of animals onto a makeshift boat...

The adventure began for me as Screacher's Stealth Astra drew up outside my SJP address (St Just Place - marvellous eh?) and pausing only to check that I had my passport for the 12th time I embarked upon the Screachmobile and we were on our way. Inside the Ultimate Improbability Drive Astra were the redoubtable Clarky, brought in as a late substitute for Dougal whose passport was elsewhere and unobtainable (reports that it is being used to bring in South American footballers are wide of the mark), and Dave, a cousin of Screacher and a veteran of many European trips. Dave had a number of wonderful yarns about these adventures so I hope he stops lurking here soon, and can regale us with an anecdote or several.

We stayed overnight in Dover, where we were kindly treated to curries all round by the one and only Clarky. Dave settled for steak & chips and Screach & Clarky were soon envying this choice as their Passandas or whatever turned out to be vindaloos in disguise. Mine fortunately was OK and Dave chuckled away to himself quietly.

Next morning we boarded the SeaCat on our arduous adventure to unknown lands. Lest I should not return safely, I sent my final text message to Dougal, saying that The Toon Navy had sailed which I'm pleased to see became the title for the match thread. In Calais, we resumed our journey in the Astra Grande Vitesse and stopping only once en route (fluent already - I trust you're impressed) for the nettie (which comprised a hole in the floor and made us hope we could develop constipation for the remainder of our visit) we arrived in the beautiful city of Troyes with plenty of time to spare, enough time someone suggested, to have a drink or two before the game - what a novel suggestion.

We then phoned the very splendid and worthwhile Kiwi Toon who as I'm sure several of you know a rather excellent man. Conceived in Geordieland, born in Birmingham, brought up in New Zealand and now resident in Troyes(!) the word "unique" as well as "excellent" also springs to mind. KT met us in the centre of town and showed us to an appropriate hotel before taking us to the Town Square where a number of Toon fans had gathered and were entertaining the locals with everything from "Blaydon Races" to "Frank Clark knows my father". Handshakes were exchanged with the single Troyes fan present and the chant went up
One fan
You've only got one fan
You've only got one fan
You've only got one fan
KT also showed us to the cyber cafe where Clarky and I were able to add to the match thread.

Off to the game then - but first we're hungry - no time for a meal - fast food required - and so I regret to say, that the sole meal we had in the Culinary Capital of Europe was chips and a cheese sandwich. As we walked to the stadium the rain was just starting (making the chip bags soggy) but gave no intention of just how bad it was going to get.

Seating arrangements for away fans at Troyes were the least hospitable aspect of these good people. The seats are concrete blocks on ordinary terracing - about 5 times more dangerous than any pre-Taylor report terraces I ever stood on.

And so - to the game. Well I'd prefer to draw a discrete veil over the performance. It was not good. The Toon seemed exhausted after a long season so far(!) and struggled to match Troyes' skill, organisation and neat passing. If Troyes had a striker you feel they might well have won by 2 clear goals, but the lads battled hard in defence and now have a real chance of increasing our travelling expenses still further. The most impressive performer for me was Shola. Given also had a sound game and produced at least one brilliant stop when he prevented a goal in a 1 on 1 situation. I'm afraid Elliot was woeful for the 2nd game running. Dabizas seemed very tidy, apart from that, for me no others stood out as especially good or bad. At half time we met Barry and family. He recognised me from the name on my shirt. Barry is "our man in Belgium" who attended the Lokeren match and gave us an excellent report. Always nice to meet BBSers.

If the team wasn't up to much the fans were tremendous. In scenes redolent of Agincourt, our 400-500 stout yeoman Geordies outsung and outshouted the 9500 plus French contingent. Indeed I think this ratio is even greater odds than were faced at Agincourt so it is true that in Shakespeare's words :-
gentlemen in Newcastle now abed
Shall think themselves accursed they were not here

As we left the ground we found that the French had brought up reinforcements and we were greeted by the 160 riot police who can never have had an easier night at work as they struggled under a torrent of cheery greetings that were hurled at them. Perhaps they were expecting the English - We are GEORDIES and should not be confused with same, IMHO.

As we arrived back in the centre of Town the heavens opened and the deluge began. More water fell on our heads than they put in the French beer. It was torrential and we were soaked to the skin in seconds. We had a few beers and as we sat there, underwhelmed by the weather, by the performance and a bit tired from the long journey, Dave pointed out to us that this story will grow. We'll be able to look back in 5 years time and say what a fantastic time we had! :-)

Arising at 0430(!) (Geordie Mean Time) the Hunter Seeker Astra retraced its route to Calais and we were fortunate(???) to embark on the last SeaCat of the day as all the rest were cancelled because of choppy seas. Dave (who had gone on drinking till 2 am) rather wished our SeaCat had been cancelled also and he certainly didn't look a picture of health as the vessel rolled about toppling bottles on the shop shelves. A Tsunami for the Toon Army. A dash up country to Barnsley enabled Screacher to be just half an hour late for his business meeting(!!!). He leapt out the car, changed into shirt, tie etc right there in the car park and rushed in completely unruffled to give what I'm sure was a bravura performance.

Now it's nice to be back amongst The Chosen ones in The Golden City. Nice to recall the friendliness which was almost universal between the fans (a lesson to be learned there) and nice to have had an all too brief look at Troyes. If we do progress in Europe then I hope that any away ties do not coincide with the monsoon season.

Explanatory note
For the non-Magpie clique a passport is - well don't worry about it - you don't really need to know that. :-)


-- Anonymous, August 08, 2001

Answers

Class Jonno, pure class. Sounds like the lads (not the team) did us proud, glad to hear you're safe and well back in the toon. Did we really look tired....yikes.

-- Anonymous, August 08, 2001

Passport???????????? eh?????????? What has it got to do with nobhead solero????? Anyway i went to benidorm so i know what a passport is,so there!

-- Anonymous, August 08, 2001

Metro made it sound the way you've just described it Jonno. Still, you will see the funny side in years to come, and what if they go the whole way ? You'll be hell to live with. :-)

-- Anonymous, August 08, 2001

you always get that "feel good" feeling after one of these type postings by Sir John. I gather in five years we'll have been unlucky to have not scored six times......

howay....

-- Anonymous, August 08, 2001


Greast stuff Jonno

-- Anonymous, August 08, 2001


Wonderful, Clarky: I am gutted to have missed out but I am so glad you took my place (if you see what I mean).

-- Anonymous, August 08, 2001

Excellent report, Jonno. Glad our BBSers in Troyes had a good time in spite of the match, and the rain. But then isn't it always the way? :-)

-- Anonymous, August 08, 2001

"Frank Clarke knows..............." Jeez multiple falshbacks here .......please, PLEASE tell me you sang "Sha la la la Macnamee.." as well .......... and just why did Tommy Gibb never have a song ...

Great reports muckers, makes this Walker lad VERY homesick, still no sign of the new kit on the streets here though, but for some reason the new Leeds kit has emerged before the manure ....... do the locals know something we don't ........ AND we still haven't got a shaven headed thug to intimidate and scream at refs (hint Mattie Elliot)

-- Anonymous, August 08, 2001


It seems from a number of responses here that I may have conveyed the mistaken impression that we had a good time. I would hereby like to categorically refute such a suggestion and have no idea how such an opinion can be interpreted from my above report. :-)

It is becoming evident to me that Dougal was in possession of her passport the whole time but had the good sense to check the weather forecast and decided that discretion is the better part of valour.

It can certainly be said that the company was very good (but then I'm sure it was in the trenches at the Somme, Ypres, Verdun, etc and you would not argue that those guys had a good time) but to describe us as having had a good time is an outrageous accusation! Still, for three of the Old Contemptibles, Clarky, Screacher and myself, it's another medal on the pin-cushion chests of these redoubtable Fairs Cup Veterans. It's a bit galling to go to foreign fields, give your all for your country of Geordieland, and then on your return be accused of having had "a good time"! :-)

This was the sort of experience which gives PPV a good name! :-)

(Wouldn't have missed it for the World BTW).

-- Anonymous, August 09, 2001

We should put some of these tremendous postings into a book. Madness not to keep things like this for our kids; I wish I had a book of me Da's exploits during the Fairs Cup win. Well done!

-- Anonymous, August 09, 2001


Illegitimate Harry,

I have to admit I was indeed humming the "Sha la la la McNamee...." song but really didn't think anyone would recall that particular one - one of my personal all-time favourties, incidentally. In addition it contains a very rude word that I couldn't possibly utter outside the real heat of battle. Thanks for the reminder though. ;-{)

-- Anonymous, August 09, 2001


And coming to a BBS near you soon - don't miss the sequel :-

Troyes Story II

Cue signature tune :-

The Troyes are back in Town
The Troyes are back in Town

Hopefully a more animated version than the first one! :-)

-- Anonymous, August 09, 2001

Wouldn't that be:
The Troyes are back in Toon

;-)

-- Anonymous, August 09, 2001


Moderation questions? read the FAQ