Things that really p!$$ me off

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the feck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fecking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Well DUH of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people actually do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I paid $10 to come to the cinema and stare at the fecking floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fecking does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus had come would I be standing here, Knobhead?

-- Anonymous, August 03, 2001

Answers

HAHA LOL!!!!!!!

I'm gonna save these and read when I'm down or something. I'm never down but anyway.

Really f**king funny man!

-- Anonymous, August 03, 2001

Just seen the visiting card of a gynaecologist friend:

Dr X,

Gynaecologist - at your cervix

-- Anonymous, August 03, 2001

Rather amusing stunt on a local radio station the other day. They thought a kind of rude name then decided to see if the person existed.

The name: Dr. Harry Beaver

Occupation: Gynecologist

No joking. They even called directory assistance to get the number to his office, then called to see if it was real. Not quite as good as the jokes above, but it was amusing. :-)

-- Anonymous, August 03, 2001

A Radio 4 producer goes by the name of Jo King, and I'm not Jo King - I mean I'm not joking - well for that matter I'm not Jo King either if you see what I mean.

I kid you not

-- Anonymous, August 03, 2001

I had a boss once called Alan Pratt (of far-sighted parents fame), I used to tell people (even clients!) that if I'm not there, just ask for A. Pratt!

I also had a client in Hong Kong, named Anthony Man, my secretary used to cringe when I asked her to get A. Man on the phone LOL

;7)

-- Anonymous, August 04, 2001

My first job after college. First invite to a real meeting. I was nervously there on time but the accountant wasn't. I joked with the meeting host that it was really sad what parents did to their children. The missing guy was Ian M Smellie. My host laughed, then said it was a croos some had to bear. Oh God I hadn't really though about it, my host was Albert Ross. Crawl away and die time

-- Anonymous, August 04, 2001

Some local big-wig in the North-East Development Agency is called Alistair Balls! Surely a Deed Poll priority candidate.

Btw, whatever happened to "A. Wright-Pratt" on here?

-- Anonymous, August 04, 2001

one of the officers of one of my american clients.... visited the UK with his wife and I helped introduce him to some of the advisors my bank was helping him with....

he and his wife were very peturbed after every introduction with the stifled grunts of laughter and red faces with no further eye contact. I myself was alomost having hernia inducing fits at this stage when he pulled me to one side and asked me to be candid with him....

It was only at that point that "Randy Coxx" insisted on being introduced as "Randolph Coxx" from then on in.....

his poor wife was horrified.....

-- Anonymous, August 04, 2001

More fun with names...

I used to work at a NYC student travel agency. While working in the phone reservations area at the back of the office one day, one of the front desk agents came running back, face reddened, and suddenly started howling with laughter. She could barely speak and just about managed to tell one of the agents to pull up the reservation of a young Korean man who'd come in. REservations always appear last name first. This particular one was: Yoo, Suk Won

Can't remember if the spelling is correct, but I'll never forget the name. ;-)

-- Anonymous, August 04, 2001

clarky, I strongly suspect A.W.-P., was someone on here's alter ego!?

;7)

-- Anonymous, August 04, 2001

I think you might be wright Bud. :-)

Alistair Balls

Chancellor Gordon Brown's chief advisor is called Ball (can't recall first name). Heseltine gave a speech in the HOC critical of a piece of economic jargon in a Government paper authored by Ball. He said "And now we learn that this wasn't written by the Chancellor after all - so it's not Brown's - it's Ball's" which brought the house down.

-- Anonymous, August 05, 2001

Alistair's Mrs is called Beryl - Beryl Balls, which I always thought was even better, sounds like some sort of unpleasant affliction.

The Treasury Advisor is Ed Balls, and his Mrs is Yvette, but she has sensibly stuck to Cooper - Public Health Minister, aka Mini. She is about to give birth (or perhaps has, I've been away) to a new little Balls. Betting was still open on the first name, my money was on Dennis.

I've no idea whether Alistair and Ed are by some chance related.

-- Anonymous, August 05, 2001

Put your clothes on at once Dr. That's enough of your Balls for one night! Once knew a guy whose surname was Piddler. First name Richard. For some unknown reason, he was known as Dick.

-- Anonymous, August 05, 2001

Very ironic Screach considering that it would be everyone else that was p*ssing themselves.

-- Anonymous, August 05, 2001

Back to the thread title, can I add a few of my own?

Shop assistants who say the American "Have a nice day" - does this 'nice day' come with the shopping, or do I have to pay extra?

Car drivers who forget how to switch off their rear fog light. Simple, you f**k wit, hit the button AGAIN!

When on the 'phone the other person asks you to "bear with them" while they shuffle some papers near the receiver.

When paying for something, having my tendered bank notes put up to the light or a using a forgery pen. Do I do the same, or perhaps I should start biting the coins I get given in change?

Telesales people who enquire "if you had the chance of replacing any windows or doors at no charge, how many would you change?", and then get confused when you concoct a story that you live in a listed building / castle / mud hut.

That f**king Aerial tabs advert - the one when the alien f**kers say "take us to your laundry". No, I'll take you to a blow torch.

Stupid and unnecessarily loud and annoying cockney women's laughing noises. Just 'cos YOU find it funny, doesn't mean you have to scream and hoot and then tell another story that's 'even funnier'. It's not a f**king competition.

On 2-lane dual carriageways, HGVs that decide a 12% incline hill is the ideal place to start an overtaking manouevre on another HGV.

Motocyclists who get annoyed that they can't squeeze through a 2' gap between traffic and berate you for being in their way.

Unnecessarily loud mobile phone rings. I can just about get over the novelty ring tone thing, (although Sweet Child of Mine gets muffled in the process of being rectally inserted) but is it really necessary to have it ringing on top level when it's sitting on the table in front of you? And can you all please switch the option to mute button presses...NOW!

I'm sure there'll be more soon.

-- Anonymous, August 06, 2001

".....bear with them" I thought it was "bare with them".

No wonder I get funny looks when I start taking my clothes off.

This Eeenglish she is spoke funeee no?

-- Anonymous, August 06, 2001

Only just found this thread - I've been away!

Re daft names. A mate of mine used to teach a lad whose surname was Kunz. Anyway, the first day my mate was at his new school, before he knew this youth, he was sat on the stage with the rest of the staff when the Head suddenly saw this lad talking and shouting "You Kunz, shut up!" My poor mate wonder what sort of place he'd come to!

I used to teach a lass called Poly Cotton but my better half used to teach a lad called Aaron Mycock! What the hell are parents thinking of doing things like that?

-- Anonymous, August 19, 2001

There was a bloke on a Channel 5 chat / phone in programme (I think it's called the Wright Stuff or something to that effect)

They were discussing strange names and this bloke phoned in and claimed to be called Moonbeam Sunshine Rainbow followed by an everyday surname. He said that his parents were both hippies when he was born. He said he changed his name by deed poll when he was 18 which is more than understandable.

I couldn't believe it at the time, but he was checked out and his story was true. There was another class one on the same program but I can't remember it, I think it was a brother and sister who had been named so their first inital and surname when read together said something a tad naughty. If I remember I'll re-post.

-- Anonymous, August 19, 2001

A. Pratt plays cricket for Durham , there was a lad at our school called - Kenneth airey. (ken Airey)...

and my mate new a lass called Dorkus podger --

ken

-- Anonymous, August 20, 2001

Shirley Knott was at my school. yep, its true.

-- Anonymous, August 20, 2001

Used to work with a lad called Anil Bashir, affectionately known as anal by his mates ....

-- Anonymous, August 20, 2001

last year I worked with a lad called Anil Verma...who was affectionately known as Anal Vermin....I changed the back of the name tag on the top of his machine to reflect this and he never found out for months....I've even got a picture of him smiling in front of that name tag if anyone is sad enough and wants to host it for a laugh...

-- Anonymous, August 20, 2001

In your line of work Gav you'll work with a lot of analyst programmers or anal progs.

Be sure to wash your hands afterwards won't you.

-- Anonymous, August 20, 2001