As the years went by, I still felt that I remained at 20 years old. Yes I know I have a birthday each year and I know my age in chronological years but I still felt 20. I could do anything and have the rest of my life ahead of me. I was definitely immortal.

"You're as young as you feel."

After an activity that I used to do with ease, I now find myself thinking, "I'm too old for this." Mortality begins to settle in as reality. I'm squashed between two generations, reminding me of this reality. One parent has died while the other no longer knows who I am. I look at my children with the knowledge that I was there once, starting out with a family of my own, wondering what the future will bring. I find myself thinking, "Enjoy it while you can, honey. Don't rush your little son into growing up." All those 'old fogey' phrases creep into my thoughts with each passing day. With age comes wisdom and also old age. I learn to accept the inevitable for I have no choice but to accept it. I begin to take care of myself through diet and exercise for I see more clearly that it does make a difference. And I hope and pray that doctor-assisted suicide becomes accepted common practice when the time comes for me to make that decision.

Sorry, in a very maudlin mood.

-- Maria (anon@ymous.com), August 01, 2001

Answers

Howdy Maria:

Sorry, in a very maudlin mood.

It comes and goes. No, I don't think of myself as 20 anymore. I haven't thought that since I was, well, 20. At that time I was so involved in my graduate studies, I doubt that I recoginized that the world existed.

What I like to do in my free time is photography. I remember my 20's when I backpacked an 8 x 10 camera with lenses for a week through the mountains. Nearly died, but didn't think a thing about it.

As I approach 60 [a few years off], I still do the same things. Now I use Leica rangefinders. The lenses cost one or two K; it is something that I can afford to make-up for age. In a few weeks, I will be in the North Cascades, recording the wildlife and mountains for all ages.

You just adapt.

Best Wishes,,,,

Z

-- Z1X4Y7 (Z1X4Y7@aol.com), August 01, 2001.

Yes, Maria, you need a hobby. Needle point? Crocheting? Don't take up knitting as that is a form of masturbation.

-- Lars (larsguy@yahoo.com), August 01, 2001.

Z, sounds like a great way to see the world.

Lars, I've done all those things but my eyesight fails me now. I'm looking for a new hobby. Like sample every margarita in Cozumel and Cancun. Or maybe find the best resort in the Caribbean or best rapids to run in the Rockies or best cruise ship buffet line. But alas, those hobbies take a few more bucks than I have. At one point I did have a goal of climbing every fourteener (peaks over 14K in Colorado) but 'I'm getting too old for that'. But, hey, thanks for the suggestions. :)

-- Maria (anon@ymous.com), August 01, 2001.

Actually, I've sort of taken up a hobby recently. This time of year these little green flying bugs come out. They eat all the leaves on this one tree in the back yard. I used to let them be, thinking they would eventually go away. Well, they haven't gone but have increased in numbers. So, I've taken a different tack. I've begun a methodical killing spree. Every one I find, I squish. At first they 'pop' and then this green slime oozes out and it stinks link skunk. It's working. They are beginning to retreat. I figure there are only a finite number of them and eventually I will win.

-- Maria (anon@ymous.com), August 01, 2001.

Maybe you should raise some goats. Helen seems to think they are very theraputic. Throw in a mule or two and pretty soon you'll be to tired to be maudlin.

-- Jack Booted Thug (governmentconspiracy@NWO.com), August 01, 2001.

I hope that I can stay 35 forever, because...life is just good, it's so very good. =0)

-- (cin@cin.cin), August 01, 2001.

Damn, Maria! I'll GIVE you a goat. I've got a sweet little doe small enough to sit in your lap. She's full grown. She'll walk with you anywhere. Think of all the new friends you'll have if you start walking your goat around the neighborhood. She's really quiet too, so the zoning people won't find out about her. Just tell them she's a Mexican chihuahua if they show up. Goats are really good at climbing too, so you can take her with you when -- not if -- you start hiking in the mountains.

-- helen (theraputic@goats.n.chickens), August 01, 2001.

Now don't get me wrong

This is not a sad song

Just events that I have happened to witness

And time takes its toll as we head for the poll

And no one dies from physical fitness

So what the hell, we'll take it right to the end

As the days grow more complicated the nightlife still wins

I'm growing older but not up

My metabolic rate is pleasantly stuck

Let those winds of time blow over my head

I'd rather die while I'm livin' than live while I'm dead

-- capnfun (capnfun1@excite.com), August 01, 2001.

Authorship goes to none other than Jimmy Buffett.

-- capnfun (capnfun1@excite.com), August 01, 2001.

yeeeehaaaaawww cap! =)

-- (cin@cin.cin), August 01, 2001.

Definately beats bug squishing cappy

-- Carlos (riffraff@cybertime.net), August 02, 2001.

Aphids, are they Aphids? Call around to your local nurseries and ask for and get ladybugs. They eat aphids and are kind of enjoyable to have around. Then there is detergent I'm not sure, but I seem to remember using a certain dish soap in water to spray on and under the leaves. It gives them the runs so bad they die? I never have been fast enough to write down all the ingredients you use for your lawn, the one with beer in it.

During the rainy season I put cups in the ground so the lips are just above ground level and pour beer into them. The next day I remove the dead slugs.

Geeze, I feel like I am still in my mid 20's although physically I am restricted. At the moment I am psyching up to start a new (or continue an old) career.

-- Cherri (jessam6@home.com), August 02, 2001.

i,m 62 and havin a blast. but I know this [temporary]life will soon end. but theeeeeeeen,eternity start's.WOW--a brand new--sinless'painless body.and a new heaven & new earth,and joy unspeakable. WOW. but most,very Most of All,to see my SAVIOUR,and see his smile. then[true] LIFE BEGIN'S.

-- al-d. (dogs@zianet.com), August 02, 2001.

Maybe Adam was supposed to look like a 25-year-old forever; that is, until he tasted a forbidden fruit. 25 is, according to the textbooks, the age we peak physically before starting a slow decline.

-- Forever (young@at.25), August 02, 2001.

JBT, Helen, thanks for the offer. My kids were allergic to cow's milk when they were little. I used to get goat milk fresh every other day from people close by. They (the goats) are not my favorite looking animals but I guess they make ok pets.

Cap, thanks for the song.

Cherri, I don't think they are aphids. I tried the bug spray and soap. Nope, the only thing working is the squishing.

Al-d, forever, how true.

Cin, I hear ya. I need to be reminded every now and again.

-- Maria (anon@ymous.com), August 02, 2001.

Why, I feel twenty after I've performed a difficult heart transplant and then taken my restored Shelby Cobra out for a 100+ mph spin along country roads. Of course, I'm fatigued after negotiating important deals with foreign leaders and hot air ballooning with my supermodel spouse. Sure, it costs a few dollars more to rent the villa, have fresh truffles flown in from rural France and cook a little dinner for my world famous friends. But when you are approaching 60 and training for your next Ironman, it's worth pampering yourself.

-- Zee (blow@hard.com), August 02, 2001.

Maria,

For now, take a look at these essays -- sorry about just a cut-and- paste for now, but this is good stuff. Let me know how you're coming along, 'k?

Passion and Soulfulness

Reflections on Happiness

-- Eve (eve_rebekah@yahoo.com), August 02, 2001.

Tomorrow is my birthday..my 50th...still feel mind young..but am beginning to feel the physical injuries of my younger days..

-- justa ponderin (on my birthd@y.eve), August 02, 2001.

Justa:

I understand where you are coming from: "I feel your pain". Just wait a few years.

In my youth I had fingers and thumbs dislocated 6 times [football], nose broken 2 times and two dislocated shoulders [baseball], broken ankle [high hurdles], another broken ankle [ski racing], there is more.

These things catch up as you age. If I had male children I would have limited them to needle point.

Best Wishes,,,,

Z

-- Z1X4Y7 (Z1X4Y7@aol.com), August 02, 2001.

Eve, interesting articles. I agree with them. People are calibrated for some degree of happy and maintain it.

I guess this thread comes from my parent's situation. Not much I can do about it but watch as death comes slowly.

-- Maria (anon@ymous.com), August 03, 2001.

My better half gave me a 32mb memory stick and a ImageMate external drive..I took the day off,ate my daily carne guisda w/pico de gallo breakfast taco at Rosie's at Bee Cave,Tx..got my oiled changed and took my two sons to a movie..walked around the mall..am resting a bit then going out to eat..hopefully a chicken fried steak at the Broken Spoke..

-- justa enjoying (my 50th birthday @nd.all), August 03, 2001.

Maria,

I guess this thread comes from my parent's situation. Not much I can do about it but watch as death comes slowly.

Now I understand where you are. When my grandparents passed away the end of my life looked far away. When my parents did, it made me ever more aware of how close I was to following them. I no longer see 80 years ahead of me, I have to consider my life could end tomorrow or in twenty years. Also, the deteriated physical condition they were in makes me worry about being in the same or simular situation.

But my parent's (especially my Dad) lived way beyond the average age of death that existed when they were born. We will, on the average, out live our parents due to science and knowledge of how to keep our selves healthy.

I'm sorry to hear about your parents, it is hard to face.

-- Cherri (jessam6@home.com), August 03, 2001.

Maria, I was concerned by this thread. Is this a passing existential downturn you just needed to vent about, or are these descriptions of how you are feeling in addition to what you mention:

Loss of energy and interest. Diminished ability to enjoy oneself. Decreased -- or increased -- sleeping or appetite. Difficulty in concentrating; indecisiveness; slowed or fuzzy thinking. Exaggerated feelings of sadness, hopelessness, or anxiety. Feelings of worthlessness. Recurring thoughts about death and suicide

If these seem to describe what you are feeling, perhaps you need to look into whether this is depression that you are grappling with.

I'm not a professional, and it's not something amateurs should mess with, but like many people, I have a person with depression in my family and would not like to see anyone go through pain that could be helped professionally.

OTOH, I lost a parent last year myself, and all the stars are still settling into new constellations. I still feel raw, like having an amputation without anesthesia, my mom like a phantom limb. We're uncomfortable about death in this culture. We have the little social interchanges: "My parent died." "Sorry." "Thanks," but rarely any deeper acknowledgement of the changes that puts us through. And the strain of having a parent who no longer can recognize us can be a heartbreaker. I'm sorry for your losses, on all levels.

But as to your original question: I can't feel any commonality with that part. I've always felt that where I was at was what that age was. Right now I'm redefining all my old conceptions of what 49 would be. As far as I'm concerned, it is perfectly normal for silver-haired mommies to shoot basketball hoops in the evening. I'm taking more part in leadership in the various communities I'm involved in. I feel more intellectually and emotionally engaged than I did when I was even forty.

What expectations did you have about middle age? Do you have any older friends who are role models who gracefully torpedo all those negative expectations we had when we were young? Did you have any expectations that middle age would arrive without asking great changes of you? Are you involved with people who actively honor elder status and look forward to the wisdom the years bring, or do you just experience those mainstream attitudes that show contempt for aging?

Is there a way that you can just _be_ with your parent, actively loving rather than just passively watching? I found that when my mom was dying, one of her greatest gifts to me was to let me just love her as she lay there silently, hideously swollen with illness and medication. It was the sort of unconditional love that I remembered from having babies, and was a great blessing.

-- Firemouse (49@considering.the alternative), August 04, 2001.

Very thoughtful remarks Firemouse. I'm no psychologist either but I think there is a time element required along with all of the other indications that you listed in your 2nd paragraph. Clinical depression is a depression that lasts and lasts.

Maria, it sounds to me that you are experiencing very normal mid-life stressors and from everything I have ever read by you, I know that you will prevail and grow from your present blues.

And there will be more blues (and joy) to come.

-- Lars (larsguy@yahoo.com), August 05, 2001.

Firemouse, Thank you from me for what you wrote. It touched me personally, especially It was the sort of unconditional love that I remembered from having babies, and was a great blessing. I went to my Mother in the nursing home after eating a big meal. I lay down next to her and as I was falling asleep she pulled the covers up and tucked me in as she had when I was little. She spent a great deal of time and care in doing so and as I drifted off to sleep I remember thinking that this is what I want to remember after she is gone. It showed me the culmination of all the years of love she had for me, and I do think of that moment of love and security that I will never experience again, whenever I hurt badly over her death. We live our lives without remembering the little, important things that mean so much to us. I am forever grateful for the time I was given to let both of my parents know how deeply I loved them before they died. Although as a rule we had always told each other "I love you" whenever we parted, my Mom started us doing it because she did not get the chance to say it to her mother, who died after they had parted in anger.

Maria, you must also realize that your body may be going through chemical changes which can also bring on depression. There are medications that can correct the chemical imbalances you may be experiencing. Don't be influenced by ignorant people in society who do not know and understand what you are experiencing and the need (occasionally) for medication to help bring a person back into a chemical balance.

-- Cherri (jessam6@home.com), August 05, 2001.