More From The Oregonian

Margie Boulé

This product may require use of eyes to appreciate

07/31/01

I'm dumb. But before you rush to your computer to write an e-mail of agreement, you're dumb, too. So's your mother. Your mother is really, really dumb.

How do I know this? I've just spent an afternoon wandering the aisles of a downtown grocery store, reading warning labels on products I previously thought were benign, even helpful.

This is not the first time I've written about stupid consumer warnings. I first complained about insulting product disclaimers about 10 years ago, after I bought a TV set. Imagine my surprise when the instructions warned me not to pour liquids down the back of my new Sony television! Darn, I thought. I was looking forward to pouring that liter of Dr. Pepper down the back of the set, right after watching "Thirtysomething."

Once I complained, readers jumped on the bandwagon. In fact, this year's edition of warnings came directly from readers like Albert Rouse, who sent instructions that were attached to medication he got from a pharmacy for his cat. Right there on the prescription bottle, beneath the words "Patient: Ginger the Cat," was the warning: "Use caution when driving or operating machinery." Guess Albert had to withhold the car keys from Ginger for a while.

Most dumb warnings come direct from the manufacturer. Here are some I spotted at the grocery store, on readers' recommendations:

Children's Vicks NyQuil: This medication is for children with coughs and colds. On the back it lists various dosages for children who weigh up to 75 pounds. The warning label says, "Avoid alcoholic beverages while taking this product." And kids aren't any luckier than Ginger the Cat; the label also says, "Use caution when driving a motor vehicle or operating machinery." (What, we're supposed to believe some parents out there feel so sorry for sick little Johnny or Susie that they say, "Here, take the Land Rover out for a spin, honey! It'll take your mind off that awful cough"?)

Shout Gel: This cleaning product for spots on clothing first states the obvious: "Contains cleaning agents." I should hope. But then comes the evidently necessary warning: "Do not treat garment while wearing." Darn! It's such a timesaver!

And here's another efficiency buster: New Scientist magazine says the British Rowenta company warns buyers, "Do not iron clothes on body." (New Scientist also claims a Korean kitchen knife is sold in Britain with the admonishment, "Warning -- keep out of children.")

The makers of Dial Soap evidently think there are people in this world smart enough to read but too stupid to know how to use soap. So they include this: "Directions: Use like regular soap." What is that supposed to mean? Couldn't they be a little more specific?

From the time we're toddlers we're taught that fire is dangerous. Will warnings never cease? I still can't figure out how to use lighter fluid, when the package says, "Warning: Do not expose to flame or extreme heat." I rather thought that was the point: You use it to light things!

Speaking of fire, Clairol Herbal Essence Maximum Hold Hairspray warns users: "Do not smoke until hair is dry."

Nabisco Easy Cheese is one of those cheese products in a can. Instructions begin, "For best results, remove cap."

You think I'm kidding? I'm not. I saw these and more. I saw frozen dinners that warned customers to first cook the food before eating. (Is that also a dental-safety warning?)

Roger H. Moore bought a Black & Decker cordless can opener. "I dutifully read the instructions," Roger writes. "All went well until I came upon the following, on Page 4: "This can opener may be used by either right- or left-handed consumers. Hold the handle in your right hand and position the cans with your left."

Kathy Borstel sent a copy of a pamphlet she saw sticking out of a pocket in the airline seat in front of her: "SAFETY: If you are sitting in an exit row and you cannot understand this card or cannot see well enough to follow these instructions, please tell a crew member."

Yes, yes, I understand most of these warnings were made necessary by ridiculous lawsuits, filed by people who were hurt when they did stupid things like pour liquids down the backs of their TV sets. But surely these warnings can be written in more intelligent ways.

Because as it stands, it's clear companies think we're all really stupid.

Or else . . . maybe we are really stupid.

Gee. Maybe I need to lighten up. Good thing I bought a pack of sugar-free gum at the market. But wait, on the back, oh, no! In bold letters it says, "Use of this product may be hazardous to your health. This product contains Saccharin, which has been determined to cause cancer in laboratory animals."

Maybe they should change the name of this gum. "Carefree" just doesn't seem to apply. Reach Margie Boule at 503-221-8450, 1320 S.W. Broadway, Portland, OR 97201, or marboule@aol.com.

-- Anonymous, August 01, 2001