Hollywood Squares

From The Original Hollywood Squares T.V. Show. These are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and not scripted like they are now.

Peter Marshall: Paul, can you get an elephant drunk?

Paul Lynde: Yes, but he still won't go up to your apartment.

Peter Marshall: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married?

Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Peter Marshall: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Peter Marshall: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?

Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Peter Marshall: Prometheus was tied to the top of a mountain by the gods because he had given something to man. What did he give us?

Paul Lynde: I don't know what you got, but I got a sports shirt.

Peter Marshall: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?

George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.

Peter Marshall: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?

Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter...and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!

Peter Marshall: According to Zsa Zsa, does black look sexy on a woman?

Redd Foxx: I wouldn't have it any other way...

Peter Marshall: What are "dual purpose" cattle good for that other cattle aren't?

Paul Lynde: They give milk and cookies... but I don't recommend the cookies!

Peter Marshall: If you find someone lying unconscious in the street, should you do anything?

George Goebel: I'd probably crawl around him I guess.

Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Peter Marshall: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?

Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!

Peter Marshall: In bowling, what's a perfect score?

Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Peter Marshall: Eddie, according to the Institute of Motivational Research, a wife should be beware if another woman takes an interest in a certain item of her husband's clothing. What item?

Ed Asner: Well, shorts immediately springs to my mind...

Peter Marshall: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?

Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Peter Marshall: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes...

Peter Marshall: Is there a weight limit for bags on airline flights in this country?

Charley Weaver: If she can fit under the seat, she can fly.

Peter Marshall: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Peter Marshall: Can boys join the camp fire girls?

Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Peter Marshall: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?

Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

Peter Marshall: True or false, George...experts say there are only seven or eight things in the world dumber than an ant.

George Gobel: Yes, and I think I voted for six of 'em.

Peter Marshall: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Peter Marshall: According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!

Peter Marshall: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy?

Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!

Peter Marshall: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does that mean?

George Goebel: Cattle crossing.

Peter Marshall: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body-what is it?

Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!

Peter Marshall: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?

Charley Weaver: A divorcee.

Peter Marshall: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Peter Marshall: According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margaret would like to start having babies soon, but her husband wants her to wait a while. Why?

Paul Lynde: He's out of town.

Peter Marshall: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?

Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver - that's why they asked the question.

Peter Marshall: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Peter Marshall: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

Peter Marshall: James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did." What was it?

Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.

Peter Marshall: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

Charley Weaver: His feet.

Peter Marshall: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?

Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Peter Marshall: Do female frogs croak?

Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water.

Peter Marshall: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Peter Marshall: Your baby has a certain object which he loves to cling to. Should you try to break him of his habit?

Joan Rivers: Yes. It's daddy's turn.

Peter Marshall: Is there any such thing as an F cup in bra sizes?

Paul Lynde: Yes, it sleeps four.

Peter Marshall: True or false: Many people sleep better in their street clothes than they do in their pajamas.

Paul Lynde: Yes. We call them winos.

Peter Marshall: According to the World Book, is it okay to freeze your persimmons?

Paul Lynde: No. You should dress warmly.

Peter Marshall: According to psychologists, when a child begins to get curious about sex, what is the one question he will most ask his mommy and daddy?

Paul Lynde: Where can I get some?

Peter Marshall: Before a cow will give you any milk, she has to have something very important. What?

PAUL LYNDE: An engagement ring.

Peter Marshall: According to Robert Mitchum, one thing has ruined more actors than drinking. What?

Charley Weaver: Not drinking.

Peter Marshall: When the Lone Ranger finished with a case, he left something behind. What?

Paul Lynde: A masked baby.

Peter Marshall: True or false: Some African Watusi tribesmen greet guests by running toward them at full speed, then high-jumping over them.

Charley Weaver: This is sometimes terribly embarrassing to tall guests.

Peter Marshall: You're on your first visit to Japan, and you head right for the Kabuki. Why?

Paul Lynde: It was a long plane ride.

-- Anonymous, August 01, 2001

Answers

Lines from science papers

Actual Excerpts From Student Science Exam Papers:

1. The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.

2. Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and Caterpillars.

3. The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.

4. A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

5. The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.

6. To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

7. Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.

8. Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you're talking about.

9. Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.

10. A circle is a line, which meets its other end without ending.

11. The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

12. The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.

13. English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.

14. A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

15. Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

16. The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.

17. When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.

18. It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.

19. For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.

20. For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.

21. For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.

22. For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.

23. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

24. For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

25. For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

26. Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

27. Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.

28. When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.

29. When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

[I wonder if these are from college papers]

-- Anonymous, August 01, 2001

Is Paul Lynde still around? I really like him.

-- Anonymous, August 01, 2001

I like him, too. He played Uncle Arthur on Bewitched, and I thought he was the best warlock, although the term warlock was incorrectly used for the male witches. A lot of the terms and things were wrong, but the show was neat, I remember as a kid wanting to be able to do the stuff they were able to do as witches. sometimes I still do, like when I am running late, or too tired to do things the mortal way. LOL

Imagine being able to gesture and see the religious nuts disappear from your front porch and land in the water filled ditch out by the road. ROTFLMAO Oh please! Just once!!!!! LOL

-- Anonymous, August 01, 2001

Barefoot, the best way to get rid of *those* people is to hand them literature that the last nuts left. Remember, give the Scientologist lit to the Buddists, the EST junk to the Scientologists, the "Watchtower" to the Mormons, and. . .

True story. One time I was living in the student ghetto in a house that was overrun with fleas. Knowing that, I invited the nuts into our house and had them sit on the flea-colony couch. I got them some water and took my time about it. When I got back, they gave a 15 second presentation and left, brushing off their clothing. I don't remember what church they were from, but no one else bothered us again that summer.

-- Anonymous, August 01, 2001

Barefoot and Meemur, you are too much!

My ex-husband had a sure-fire way of getting rid of them too. He used to ride with the Hell's Angels and looked it. One Sat early, some group was hitting the neighborhood and he answered the door. In his most apologetic voice, he said he was sorry, but he worshipped Satan and really didn't want to see their literature. For the 5 years I lived there, I never had another problem.

-- Anonymous, August 02, 2001

I just have an index card on the storm door now, saying: "NO SOLICITING! This includes missionaries!" (Because until I added the missionary bit, the Jehova's Witnesses said they weren't soliciting, they wanted to give me something.) There's a good long driveway and six steps before they see the notice.

-- Anonymous, August 02, 2001