From today's Guardian Fiver:

Rather disconcertingly, for the past six months Granny Fiver has only been able to talk about marmalade. And Destiny's Child. Robby Bobson meanwhile can only talk about Laurent Robert and Kieron Dyer, and at great length too. Does this mean they're ideal candidates for a love match? The Fiver doubts it, although having seen some of Granny's recent studio shots, she's still a fine looking woman.

As for Robby, well, he's just looking stressed. Midfield hope Dyer limped sobbing out of training yesterday amidst fears of a recurrence of the shin injury that plagued him last season. "We've had an x-ray on the injured leg and there's no damage to the shin bone, there's no damage to the bone graft that he had done," Bobson insisted. He went on to claim that Dyer will need special treatment in order to be cured. "The lad needs to get out of the papers," was Robby's prognosis, implying a bone injury brought on by frequent links to Leeds United. "Who's put a price tag on his head? We haven't put a price tag on his head?" he observed further, suggesting an allergic reaction brought on by being in close proximity to a fat pile of cash.

Robert, meanwhile, finally arrived in Toon today after weeks of transfer deliberations. "He's got a wonderful, powerful, dextrous left foot," said Robby, who could look to transplant it onto Dyer's knackered leg if all else fails. Robert becomes the latest in a long line of French acquisitions on Tyneside, and not all of them have been altogether successful. "If he comes here and applies himself as a top-class professional," said Robby, "with his talent, he could be an idol here." Then again he could come, get injured, change his name to Alain Dumas-Domi, and then strop off to France again. To be honest, the Fiver can see why Granny sticks to her girl groups.

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-- Anonymous, July 31, 2001

Answers

article perceptive?

-- Anonymous, July 31, 2001

absolute pants

-- Anonymous, August 01, 2001

DON'T get me started about the bloody Guardian! a couple of seasons ago they did an article where they voted NUFC the 'most poisonous' team. (During Dalglish era) They never have a good word to say about us. Very snide in every bit of covrage they give the team.

-- Anonymous, August 01, 2001

Dougal

Innocent question. Which quality papers have been consistently fair to NUFC?

-- Anonymous, August 01, 2001

In the words of a drunk Millwall fan - no-one likes us, we don't care.

The Guardian gets away with some very poor writing at times. Even ML3 is funnier than that! ;-)

-- Anonymous, August 01, 2001