If you were Jordan. . .

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would you lace up the sneakers one more time?

-- Anonymous, July 31, 2001

Answers

Yes, yes, I would. And I'd make Barkley and maybe even Rodman lace his up, too, just to be able to kick the shit out of that little bitch Bryant.

Ahem.

-- Anonymous, July 31, 2001


But are the floorboards of most NBA arenas really strong enough to hold Barkley these days?

-- Anonymous, July 31, 2001

Barkley's on a DIET. Hahaaaah!

-- Anonymous, July 31, 2001

Barkley had better not come back. He's the funniest thing on television now when he's in the studio for TNT's NBA games. I can't take a year of just Kenny Smith and Ernie Johnson.

-- Anonymous, July 31, 2001

A diet of what? Pork Rinds? I refuse to believe he'll ever slim down enough.

-- Anonymous, July 31, 2001


Oh, H, that was uncalled for. But very funny.

Mike, what's that thing they're doing with Barkley? The Fat-O-Meter or something?

-- Anonymous, July 31, 2001


Now, y'all know I love my man Barkley. And if he was here, he would have cracked the joke first, don't you worry.

-- Anonymous, July 31, 2001

No, I'd lace up the hockey skates. It's time for Mike to dominate the rink.

-- Anonymous, July 31, 2001

I simply cannot imagine MJ in some ice skates. It's beyond my comprehension.

Did y'all know that Master V makes fun of me when I call Jordan, "MJ"? He's all, "What? Is he your best friend now?" Hee.

-- Anonymous, July 31, 2001


MJ would RULE over all those stumpy Canadians. He will glide gracefully and do triple-axels each time he scores.

-- Anonymous, July 31, 2001


Not to be all Dorky Girl Pointing Out Something Funny From the Onion, but, um, the new Infographic about MJ's return cracked me up.

Also, my brother (Michael James) went through a phase where he wouldn't answer to anything besides "Michael Jordan James Bond."

-- Anonymous, July 31, 2001


I could definitely see the Bondra-Jagr-MJ line dominating the NHL.

And I'd also put Barkley in goal. He'd take up all the space between the pipes.

-- Anonymous, July 31, 2001


I think I could watch him kill a man just for fun before every game.

-- Anonymous, July 31, 2001

Didn't he shoot a man in Reno just to watch him die?

-- Anonymous, July 31, 2001

He shot another man fer snorin' too loud, too.

-- Anonymous, July 31, 2001


I thought he ate a man in Reno. You know, just to watch him die.

-- Anonymous, July 31, 2001

That was Barkley. And he washed him down with a bag of pork rinds.

-- Anonymous, July 31, 2001

Keli's GROSS!

Okay, it was funny. I bet he washed him down with a bag of pork rinds, a barbecue sandwich, and a bacon martini.

-- Anonymous, July 31, 2001


If I were Jordan, I'd be pretty pissed about Barkley hijacking my thread.

-- Anonymous, August 01, 2001

Hee. Y'all, I just read that Hakeem rejected the Rocket's latest offer. If he goes to another team my heart will break in tiny little pieces and my last shred of respect for professional athleticism will have a hard time sticking around.

-- Anonymous, August 01, 2001

He'll come to Washington with MJ and Charles. Then Jordan will talk Larry Bird and Magic out of retirement, sign Chris Mullin, bring back Bill Cartwright and B.J. Armstrong, and lock up Hakeem's college teammate Clyde Drexler.

And we'll have the oldest team in the history of mankind.

-- Anonymous, August 01, 2001


But here's the real question: Will Moses Malone make a comeback, too?

I would like to see that.

-- Anonymous, August 01, 2001


Don't forget Dr. J for the Geezer All-Stars. He's gotta come back, too.

-- Anonymous, August 02, 2001

Hakeem. Not just leaving the Rockets, but going to frickin' Canada? It is a sad, sad day for our country.

-- Anonymous, August 02, 2001

Ah, you have both Stevie Francis and Terence Morris. You're all set for decades to come.

-- Anonymous, August 02, 2001

I just wish Jordan would stop making such fugly shoes. My dad showed up this weekend in these things this weekend, insisting he was the coolest man on the planet.

-- Anonymous, August 07, 2001

Hey, Mike, any news on this? Last I read, Jordan was going to fax his answer in or something, right?

Inquiring fans want to know.

-- Anonymous, September 19, 2001


An excellent question!

I vauguely recall that the decision was supposed to come tomorrow (Thursday), via fax or something.

-- Anonymous, September 19, 2001


Jordan should not lace up again because he really needs to learn to let. it. go.

Also, although clearly Jordan is just an amazing player, the hay days of the Bulls Jordan had a solid team with one of the best head coaches ever to bless the game. Phil Jackson does not get the props he deserves. Phil is the man.

And I'm not just saying that because I dated Phil's nephew in college and he was kind enough to introduce me to MJ. (See, I get to say MJ because I do know him. In the same way you know the cashier you spoke to once, the bellhop that carried your bag once, and the cop who arrested you once.)

-- Anonymous, September 19, 2001


You know MJ? Was he nice?

I want him to come back, and I think y'all know the reason. Because Kobe Bryant is a little bitch.

-- Anonymous, September 19, 2001


I don't know know him. I shook his hand once and giggled like a dope. He was nice to me.

BUT, I have a story that is pure gossip and effected my MJ love quite seriously. Email me if you want to know it (I wouldn't want to ruin him for all y'all).

-- Anonymous, September 19, 2001


H e apparently postponed making a decision.

-- Anonymous, September 19, 2001

No new news, but there's a sweet article about MJ right here .

-- Anonymous, September 20, 2001

So he's coming back right?

-- Anonymous, September 25, 2001

He's BACK!

-- Anonymous, September 25, 2001

Yippee kai-yay, mothafuckas!

Kobe is going DOWN, kids. That is all.

-- Anonymous, September 25, 2001


Washington will probably still suck though. It's MJ and 11 guys who should be in the CBA.

Kobe's still talking smack. I can't wait to see MJ kick his ass.

-- Anonymous, September 25, 2001


If you were Jordan, you'd be getting a divorce, apparently.

-- Anonymous, January 08, 2002

If you were Jordan, you'd be getting a divorce, apparently.

What? I don't know why but his marriage always seemed to be one of those untouchable ones.

What the hell do I know, though...I sure didn't think Garth Brooks would end up divorced after his wife found out he was bangin' Trisha Yearwood either.

-- Anonymous, January 08, 2002


http://dailynews.yahoo.com/h/nm/20020108/re/people_jordan_d c_2.html

-- Anonymous, January 08, 2002

The gossip I alluded to up there? When I dated Phil Jackson's son WAY back when I was in college Jordan was well known to be cheating on his wife even then. I'm guessing irreconcilable differences is slang for "once a cheater always a cheater."

-- Anonymous, January 09, 2002

Sorry, Phil Jackson's nephew (Jackson's sister's son), not son.

-- Anonymous, January 09, 2002

See, now you have to sing, "I'm sorry Miz Jackson..."

-- Anonymous, January 09, 2002

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