Humor....Adult

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Carlos: "Ey, Boss I not come to work today. I really sick.

I got headache, stomache ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, " You know Carlos, I really need you today. When I feel like that I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work."

"You should try that".

Carlos calls back two hours later and says, " I did what you said boss and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house." &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

A Redhead Joke A red head goes for a drive in the country and she has to stop as there is a

farmer who is moving his sheep from one pasture to another across the road. She rolls down the window and says to the farmer, "If I can tell you the exact number of sheep that you have, can I keep one?" The farmer figuring that a city girl would never be able to agreed. The red head guesses the number and is 100% correct. I mean not off by one sheep. The farmer is an honest man and tells her that she did guess the right number. She gets out of her car, selects her animal and puts it in the car. Just before she drives away, the farmer asked her a question. "If I can tell you the real color of your hair can I have my dog back? ****************************************** The Lawyer at the Pearly Gates A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 196 years old!"

**************************************

Three Engineers Three engineers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals. The first engineer finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully. He used paper towel after paper towel and ensured that every single spot of water on his hands was dried. Turning to the other two engineers, he said, "At Hewlett Packard, we are trained to be extremely thorough." The second engineer finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to wash his hands. He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turned and said, "At Lockheed-Martin, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough,

but we are also trained to be extremely efficient." The third engineer finished and walked straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder, "At Apple Computer, Inc. we don't pee on our hands." $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Last Confession Jake was on his deathbed. His wife, Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side. As she held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Susan," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh. Don't talk." He was insistent. "Susan," he said in his tired voice. "I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Susan. "Everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother." "I know," she replied. "That's why I poisoned you."

-- Anonymous, July 27, 2001


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