1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

13. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

16. Don't squat with your spurs on.

17. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

18. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.

19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

20. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

21. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

23. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

24. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

25. Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

26. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

27. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

28. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

29. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

30. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

-- Anonymous, July 24, 2001

Answers

Oh Joy - that was great! It's too darn hot to laugh too hard, so I had to control myself. But laugh I did! The bug and the windshield really got me going.

-- Anonymous, July 24, 2001

Oh poo, I forgot to put in the usual disclaimer: I didn't write it, it came in my email!

-- Anonymous, July 24, 2001

The first and the last are very,very good but # 25 is by far the best!!!!!

Duct tape..the handyman's best friend.

Very funny.I think I needed that. Now here's a philosophy I can live with.

-- Anonymous, July 24, 2001

Excellent, Joy. You've really put lots of "joy" into my evening!!!

-- Anonymous, July 24, 2001

LOL! Love it! Thanks for sharing it, Joy.

I especially liked #1:

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.

It fits my philosophy perfectly! :-D

Numbers 12, 20, and 22 are pretty good, too.

-- Anonymous, July 24, 2001

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. 2. A day without sunshine is like...night. 3. On the other hand...you have different fingers.

4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6. Remember half the people you know are below average.

7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

9. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

10. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

12. I intend to live forever - so far so good.

13. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.

14. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

15. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

16. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

17. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need to.

18. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

19. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

20. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

21. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

22. Two wrongs are only the beginning.

23. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. (chlorine neither)

24. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

25. Change is inevitable...except from vending machines.

26. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

27. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

28. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.

29. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

-- Anonymous, July 24, 2001

Self made men usually quit too soon.

Its better to remain silent and be thot a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.

-- Anonymous, July 24, 2001

#1 gets my vote for the best but of course the rest are great too.

-- Anonymous, July 25, 2001

All funny, funny, funny! Allot of them I haven't heard before.

-- Anonymous, July 25, 2001

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

-- Anonymous, July 25, 2001

All of them funny. . . I'm printing them out for posterity. One of my all time favorites: I'm so far behind that I think I'm first.

-- Anonymous, July 27, 2001