No deep discussion here. So, do you ever have odd thoughts while having sex? Some of my past reflections ...

"Gee, her new haircut makes her look like a young boy from this angle."

"That window is open, and I know it's dark in here, but I wonder if anyone is watching out there?"

"That is one ratty looking negligee."

"Wow, the reflection in that one mirror on the closet is really distorted."

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

Answers

"Should I bring the laundry in if it's going to rain?"

I once asked my husband how much our latest phone bill was. Yes, during the act. Luckily, after a moment of stunned silence, he was able to appreciate the humor of the situation.

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

"Oh, God, is that cat going to throw up?"

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

"I think I left the stove on. Damn it."

"Man the litter box needs to be cleaned!"

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

"Did I leave my leftovers at the restaurant?"

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

Oh, the cat throwing up! I'd forgotten all about that one. A classic in every home shared with a feline.

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

"Howard sure does look sad/worried right now." (He does, and it's rather disturbing. G claims he gets worried about me.)

"Hee hee! I can finally look at his little bald spot without him hiding it self-consciously."

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

"I wonder if the next-door neighbors can hear us having sex. I wonder if that's the reason they don't talk to us."

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

"Man, he needs to trim his widow's peak before he stabs someone with it."

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

"We must eat the dead."

(We'd just been watching that movie about the soccer team(?) that crashes on the snowy mountan...)

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

"I wonder is Rudeboy is responding to my post, right now..."

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

Miles once told me that if I went on a booty-call to my boytoy that night, I would be cursed into imagining him sitting at the foot of the bed staring at me disapprovingly when things got hot and heavy.

I scoffed, but lo and behold, there he was. Until the waterbed started swishing back and forth and he fell off the end.

--------------------

And lately the main thought is:

"Oh god, can my mom hear us and if she can, I wonder what she's thinking?"

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

"Is the dog actually in the trash, or is he playing with paper?"

"Oh, damn. Beag's going to lick her face, and she's going to feel guilty for exposing him to debauchery." I couldn't reach very well to keep him away.

"Please, don't let her notice that the beag's asleep with his head on my butt. If she notices that, this little interlude is all over. Moreover, must. not. laugh."

That was funny. But really, if you were the dog, it made perfect sense. I was basically stationary, he was sleepy. What's a beag to do?

Funny how the little guy can ruin a mood.

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

Howard likes to park his head on any stationary limb he can find (leg, foot, arm) and frown until the event is over.

We draw the line when he wants to sit above/on the pillow. The doleful stare gets to be too much when it's right in your face.

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

Is anyone else drawing diagrams at this point?

We've started kicking the dogs out of the house because there are just too many of them, and Crash can open doors. So now the main thought is, "Do you think the neighbors will actually shoot them if they don't stop barking?"

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

"I wish the damn dog and cats would stop looking at us, it creeps me out."

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

"Mmmmmmmmmm... boobies."

On treks below the belly button equator I've thought, more than once... Ugh. Did she wash today? I hope it tastes better than it smells. I'm gonna throw up. Just hang in there. I can't. Gotta breathe. "Hey hon, wouldn't it be sexy to do it in the shower?"

Ok. Those aren't that odd. How bout, "Did she leave her fucking gum stuck on my thigh again?" or "I wonder how long she'll let me do it without putting a rubber on?" Those aren't odd either. What can I say? It'd be hypocritical for me to think about sex all day long and then not to think about it when I'm having it.

Oh, and I sometimes wonder, "Will she respect me in the morning? I wonder if she's the one. I can see myself with her ten years from now. It doesn't matter if I cum or not, just as long as she's happy." Honestly, that's what I'm thinking. Those are the sensitive, caring thoughts floating around in my mind like fluffy white clouds over a rainbow of romanticism. Why they manifest themselves verbally as as, "Say my name bitch!" and "Oh yeah! The pussy is juicy 2nite. Who's ur daddy!?!", I'll never know.

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

Rudeboy - you're insane.

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

"Would I give this up to be eleven years old again. It depends -- is that too old to go trick-or-treating? 'Cuz I really miss trick-or-treat. Remember the year I went as a knight? . . ."

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

The "gum stuck to my thigh" thing is a tough line to follow.

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

I'm not actually going to answer this question, but last week my husband said to me as I was about to fall asleep (not, let's be clear, while having sex):

"Honey?"

"Uh?"

Wretchedly: "Can I ask you something?"

"Uh-huh." [Thinking: Please don't let there be a Really Important Question while I'm almost asleep, I don't want to wake up.]

"Does power equal I^2 time R?"

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

Well?? Does it?

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

Oh Beth, dear dear poor dear Beth. When you act like you don't know the answer to simple questions like that you come across as the kind of person that shops at Target and buys miniature plastic satellite dishes boasting to pluck the television signals right out of the air.

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

Shhh. Ivy has just announced that Teresa was the one who told the tabloid about Ethan's true paternity, and all hell has broken loose. Plus Norma is coming to kill Timmy and Tabitha, and Grace can't remember whether David really is her husband or not! This is very important, and I need to get more aluminum foil so I can see what's happening.

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

Geez. Someone just chided me through email. Before the obsequious Xeneyite minions rise up in full battle armor against me, let me say - I was just kidding! I know Beth is very smart. Not only that, I am wholly addicted to her fabulous wit and superior intellect. She is a queen ponderer. The careful, deliberate laborious examination she applies to daily events, when brought to fruition in seemingly jovial yet surprisingly erudite passages, pales next to none. She is a goddess journaller and forum host.

But, then again, what do I know? I shop at Wal-Mart.

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

Trash.

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

Beth, you really should be less ethnocentric. I was sure you were talking about your sleazy double life (yeah, we know all about you and Stee, and your abandoned love child)... only then, at the end, did I realize you were referring to a television show that I will never be able to see.

I declare you should, from now on, be prohibited from watching any programs not exported to all other major media markets. That leaves you with, um, Friends, and ER. I think that's about it. These are the sacrifices those in your position are called upon to make. I'm very sorry. (And really, what has gotten into me lately? The sleep deprivation is making me very punchy. I swear, I'm not drunk, I just sound that way. Which is actually worse, I think.)

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

"jesus, i hate this song.. this chick's got really bad taste in music"

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

Damn I wonder if the Druid will talk the wing rider into joining him on his quest…

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

"I can't believe he STILL hasn't emptied the dishwasher yet...."

or

"Damn, that was fast...."

or

"Damn, my back is killing me, I wish he would hurry up already...."

and finally, to offset my meanness:

"Damn, I love this guy."

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

"Christ, support your weight on your forearms, pal, I can't breathe."

-- Anonymous, July 23, 2001