Caring for mama

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I've got something that I need to write about but don't know wherre to start. My biggest prayer is to be the best person that I can be and my journey of spirit has taken me along way. I take care of my 78 year old diebetic mother and have for four years, she lives in a mobile home in my yard. She's got dementia pretty bad, she know me and everyone else, but has no short term memory. So I'm pretty tied down with her{I don't mean in negative way, just fact} Mama stayed a couple months in nursing home rehab because she had fell several times and her sugar was out of control, at this time she was still taking care of her medicine and shots. This dementia is a sneakie thing it's reall hard to keep up with the progression of it. She called yesterday and ask if her Mama and Daddy was over her, Grandpa and grandma have been gone 30 years. I have three sisters one sister is way to scattered and has two many problems to help, she's always welcome but usually causes more problems than she's worth, sister number two is a very energitic person with a good job, beautiful home, educated children, loving husband and an attitude that Mama wasn't the best "Grandma" and she doesn't somehow deserve her time, third sister is Tammy Faye Bake reincarnated at the local Baptist church , she took a week of vacation and spent it as a church camp concelor and came by for 1 hour while there was hired help with mama. My sister all live within 25 miles of us. The two smart sisters thought Mama should stay in the nusing home and my husband and I said no we where not leaving her to sit and die in a nursing home, I could not live with myself. I called Tammy Faye Jr. yesterday and ask if she could stay with Mama between church services next sunday so my husband and I could go to our Unity Study group and she said no she had to decorate for vacation Bible school. Well all the frustration I'd been feeling came out and I basiclly called her a phonie , We've never been a family that called anybodyin our family on anything, sick huh?. My husband overheard part of the rimming I gave her and he said he didn't here a untruth come out of my month and that I wasn't hysterical but just told how I seen the cow eating the cabbage. Now I have this terrible lost shakie feeling that sister is feeling hurt and I caused it, While Mama was in the nursing home we were both miserable and when I brought her home I knew I was taking on 95 percent of her care. Growth of the spirit sure is tough sometimes isn't it. I don't know what kind of respose I want to this post, I am always open to other opions and veiws, Thanks for listening. Sherry

-- Anonymous, July 18, 2001

Answers

Dear Sherri, what a burden you are holding. Bless you heart! I am glad that you came on to talk about this. Sometimes it is so hard to know what to do. Please don't feel so bad for getting mad at your sister, you've been bearing up for a long time on your own, it's terrible that they don't help more. When you say that both of you were miserable when your Mama was in the nursing home, do you mean her or your sister. Sherri, how was your Mama with the nursing home? I think that we all have bad visions of nursing homes ,but sometimes they are actually good for people. I have seen people blossem with all the attention and other people to talk to. My husbands mother has Alzheimer's, it was so very very sad to watch her brain disapear. It really seems to be the best place for her, as she was becoming such a burden to her husband,he couldn't even sleep at night because of the things that she would get up and do.( She would call the police, try to set the house on fire, go outside to take a walk without clothes on). He goes to see her, sometimes twice a day, and makes sure that she is eating and being took care of. I really think that as long as we don't take em and drop them off and never check on them, sometimes it can be for the best. Is the nursing home very far from you where you can make regular visits? How does your mother feel about the nursing home? Can you talk with her about it?

Sherry, you will be on my heart, many prayers that you will find peace about this. Love TRen

-- Anonymous, July 18, 2001


Sherry

If you have 3 sisters within 25 miles why are you letting them dump all the responsibility on you? Stand up for yourself,for goodness sakes. Maybe they cannot come to your place to help out,but they sure can take your mom in for a day or a weekend or a week,to give you a little respite.Have they done this?

You can only be used as a doormat if you let yourself be one.Own that.Then do something about it. Former champion doormat's advice.

I have older relatives that stay at different children's homes for periods of time,to spread the care out.

A number of us here are experiencing the same situation,myself included. I'm sure others will have some suggestions too.In our community,there is adult daycare and activities at the senior center.And people to talk to abt. these caregiver issues.Check into that as well.Get yourself some help with your mother.Demand it,if necessary.You're burnt out.Understandably so.

Big hug.

-- Anonymous, July 18, 2001


Sherry, check with your mom's Dr. and see if he will set up a home healthcare aide to visit. Ask the service if they offer "respite care", which basically is someone that will come out for a few hours once or twice a week so you can have some time to yourself. I don't know what your mom's state of health is, but she may also qualify for home hospice care. See if there is a hospice organization in your county and give them a call, they can let you know what the requirements are.

My youngest sister is a home health aide for a hospice organization in Michigan. A lot of the people she cares for have been completely abandoned by their families. It may sometimes feel more like a burden than a blessing right now, but after she's gone you'll be so glad that you did it. Don't feel guilty about what you said to Tammy Faye if it was the truth. Maybe it will be the kick in the pants she needs, and if not, try to remember that the only person who's spiritual growth you're responsible for is yourself. I'd tell sister #2 that your mom may not be perfect but she's the only gramma her kids are going to have so she'd better act before it's too late.

Hang in there kiddo!

-- Anonymous, July 18, 2001


The nursing home was very nice but Mama called me everyday wanting to come home and I wanted her home just didn't feel right leaving her there, I've always had an uncanny ability to feel others pain and fear and I just have well been down there with her. On a selfish note her being here is easier for me than in the home, because you can not leave family member in a nursing home with out visits and expect good care. I am a homebody and just kinda tend to Mama as I'm making other daily rounds . Mama has just emough money to not be eligible for any state funded agencies , and I can hire some help amd do, but feel I should do it conservativly since that's how we live. I really appreciate your words of support. Sherry

-- Anonymous, July 18, 2001

Dear overworked Sherry, there will come a time VERY soon that your Mama will be far better and safer in a good nursing home. My grandmother had bad, severe Alzheimer's for over 13 years, she required 24/7 care and attention, my aunt tried to do it at first, just like you, in a trailer in their yard, Grandma kept about burning the trailer down around her! So.... we all HAD to do something, fortunately there is a Mennonite run nursing home very near their house, and we all checked it out. It was wonderful, very different than regular nursing homes, and several family members have been in there over the years, when it became time to.

Your Mama would greatly benefit from 24/7 care, especially with her diabetes and the meds she needs to be on for her Alzheimer's, yes, there are very effective meds for Alzheimer's now, but most require the patient to be in a care facility to administer them.

To pay for all this, you need to talk to an attorney familiar with such things, look in the phone book and see which ones handle "estate" matters, they will know what to do so she is eligble for Medicare to cover ALL of this, IT CAN BE DONE, we have had to do this several times in our family.

It is natural for your Mama to be calling you when she was in the nursing home, wanting to come home, who wouldn't be? Mostly it's the feeling of newness and change, at that age, we all hate change, but, change is a good thing, sometimes. I also suspect that the rest of the family will visit your Mama a WHOLE LOT more often when she is in a good nursing home, that's how it worked with our family too.

The most important thing is to find a great nursing home, they are out there, you just have to find them.

I wouldn't count on the rest of your family to make any changes about helping to care for your Mama, they would have done it by now, and making them feel guilty about it is not going to work or help matters at all.

You have to decide what is BEST for your Mama, and what you can handle.

-- Anonymous, July 18, 2001



Aaaaa Sherry! How are you doing it! My mom died of a brain tumor and our family went through hell. Doing it all alone seems impossible to me. What an incredible human being you are!! Please be carefull of your health...Luv Ya......kirk

-- Anonymous, July 19, 2001

I took care of my mama after my father passed away. He took care of her before. I had her in my home for her last 3 years, and like you, I couldn't leave her alone. She had all kinds of health problems, was on oxygen if she needed it, and the meds were really messin with her mind. I took all of her drugs to the pharmacist, and he helped get rid of the ones she didn't need, and she got a bit better.

She couldn't be allowed to cook, as she would forget what she was doing. It is hard, I know Sherry, and we love em and want to make it all better. I am thankful I had the chance to spend time with my mom. I had always traveled all over the country, and wasn't home but every 5 years or so, so for me it was something I needed to do also, and wanted to do. My brother and his wife were there too and we did it together, bless their hearts. We would make her get out and take her shopping at the mall in her wheelchair and oxygen, she was pitchin a fit the whole way! But once she got there and realized it was ok, she had fun. (but she never did go without the fit first!)

Mama would not eat right, and I couldn't make her, and the home health nurses would help, but she would just put up such a fit. She would have to go to the convalesent hospital for intraveinous feedings, and we told her that would happen, but she was stubborn. Eventually, she had to stay, as the medical problems were advancing, and we couldn't give her the treatments she needed. It was hard to not be able to bring her home, but the situation was out of our hands. We did all we could and there comes a point where you just can't give them what they need.

She was in there 3 months before she passed away, we visited her every day, but the meds and all had just taken their toll, and mama wasn't really even herself. She slept most of the time. We told them to just let her go in peace, none of that life sustaining stuff, and she did. I have good memories of them time I got to spend with her.

I would really try to speak to your family about helpiing. It's just too much to try to do alone. Surly they can understand. They need to spend time with her now, while she is with you. Mabybe what you said to your sister will make her stop and think. The truth hurts, and sometimes it hurts enough to pull people out of their make- believe worlds. They need to understand that this situation is real.

If your mom gets to the point where she might hurt herself by accident, you'll have to consider letting her stay in a nursing home. Remember it's not your fault, you've been there for her, but you can't watch her 24 hours a day, no one can. You must sleep too. Even if she stayed at the nursing home during the week, and you brought her home on the weekends, and your sisters had her on some weekends too, would be allright. Make them (your sisters), don't take no for an answer, and believe me, they'll thank you later for the time they spent with her. Hang in there Sweetie, and let us know how things are going. Love ya.

-- Anonymous, July 19, 2001


I kinda have an idea of what you're going through, Sherry. My husband's father passed away 8 mos. ago and hubby and I have had almost total responsibility of his mom since. She is in excellent health, physically, but she is very depressed most of the time. My husband has two other sisters that live several states away, but they only come to visit occasionally and when they are here, my mother-in-law is quite upbeat so they don't see the depression. Most of the time, she sits around saying things like "well, I wont be around much longer" etc. We are dealing with it as best we can (although hubby has taken up smoking again because of the stress!) Maybe you should take the advice of some of these folks and think about a good nursing home again. Heaven knows you need and deserve the help!!! I'll be thinking about ya!

-- Anonymous, July 19, 2001

Sherry, it sounds like you are doing the best you can in very difficult and stressful circumstances. There should be no problem asking any of the family to help out, and you should not feel bad to insist on it. Truth may be, however, that because you care and they don't seem to, your best option may be to go it alone anyway. It won't be forever.

I understand how hard it is to ask about these personal decisions here too. I have been thinking about posting something very similar myself for a long time. Kim and I are in about the same situation as yours with her dad. He also has diabetes that he/we are having a hard time regulating. It's compounded by having poor discipline, and some bad habits (!). His short term memory is failing, he drifts in and out, and his temper is unpredictable. He wrecked his car a couple of weeks ago! We have no relatives close by to help, and the long distance advice is to get him in a nursing home. It's not an option at this point though, because he is not acknowledging that there is a problem, and he's only 62 anyway. He lives almost an hour away, wants to be independent, but calls us at least once a day to drive over to help or "rescue" him! In our case the stress is threatening to hurt our marriage and the time/energy involved is threatening to take away the self-sufficient lifestyle that we have been working so hard to build. Anyway, I don't want to steal your thread, but it sounds like we have problems in common right now! Feel free to e-mail Kim and I personally if it would help.

-- Anonymous, July 19, 2001


Everyone

(((((BIG GROUP HUG))))))

-- Anonymous, July 19, 2001



David, I know EXACTLY what you mean about the stress and your marriage...and the time/energy involved threatening your self-sufficient lifestyle. Like you said, I don't want to steal the thread away from Sherry, but so many of us seem to be in the same "predicament". Guess it's because we're all about the same age. AND, how many of us have twenty-something kids who are having problems?? All we can do is support one another as best we can through "cyber-space". Hang in there, Sherry!!

-- Anonymous, July 19, 2001

SHERRY, DAVID AND MARCIA,LET US KNOW HOW YOU ARE DOING! TREN

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

Wow, this is a very moving thread........my heart goes out to all of you touched by these situations. What angels you are!

I shudder to think of having to take care of my mom when/if she becomes decrepit. I'm good at nurturing I think, but my mom is a real pistol; methinks we might end up killin each other. And my sister doesnt like added responsibilities at all. Dear me.......I may be in for some interesting times......

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001


Yes, please let us know how things are going. Hugs back to ya all.

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

Yal have touched my heart and I am doing much better. I had a very special day yesterday, I hired someone for the day to stay with Mama, jumped in my car and took an two hour drive to my best friends house and had justed visited with her for about 4 hours and it was like a dose of medicine for my weary soul , this is such a spiritial journey for me. I listened to Wayne Dyer Tapes on my trip and got some sparks of reality. Like YEA i'm following my heart and doing what I'm suppose to be doing. that's a big reward for me. Tammy Jr. called and left message she'd be up Sunday. MAN would she be po ed me if she new I called her that. Thanks dear friends Sherry

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001


Sherry, I sure hope that it is feasible for you to go take those uplifting breaks more often. .

My dear Grandma and Grandpa have both turned 90 this year. They are suffering so much in their later years, my grandma constently. She is such a person to me. I always thought that her voice was the sweetest sound that I have ever heard.Grandpa is the most wonderful man in the world to me,by him I was always accepted and understood. I think that having Grandpa in my life kept me from growing up too crazy as I have since decided that my Dad was a phyco. I have forgiven Dad and it seems that he has traveled far, and I believe is sorry for his mistakes. When I look at him today, I don't even see the same person. He is evolving. But Grandpa, the father of my mother, was always a mature, caring person who's mind only had room for what was right and good. Grandpa and I are parts of the same mind , tho. I really do think, his love of nature flows through my blood. How, happily I remember walks in the woods, riding on cow trails on ponies , and picking berries for Grandma, with Grandpa. Grandma's kitchen had to be the warmest place in the world , always smelling of fresh baked bread, with sunlight spilling in across the wood table. I wish so, that I could just pick them up and carry them to more smoothing waters, then their journey through life has brought them. If I could make Heaven They both would be living on their little place out on that knoll in Morgan County, with the prime of life still upon them. Sometimes I get so mad that I just can't make heaven.

Seeing Grandma with the pain and the weariness of life on her face, sometimes I long to tell her, go on Grandma, you have done enough for us now, go on, get our new home ready for us. I will follow you there someday. Then the pain stikes my heart, the thought of what it would be like to no longer have Grandma and Grandpa in this world, making a big part of it comfortable welcoming. Then I am thinking that perhaps that tug in my heart to hold them in is making them stay longer then they can be comfortable doing. If there are these tugs in so many peoples hearts to pull them here. I tell myself to love them and let them go. Oh Love them I do! TRen

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001


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