(Cheers, Rapturous applause)

Hello and welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue. You join us this evening in the fine city of Sunderland - just a moment - I'll read that again - you join us this evening to FIND the city of Sunderland, famous for it's proximity to Newcastle and also as the birthplace of Kate Adie - always to be found wherever there's a war on and obviously that's a situation which has been with her since childhood.

Sunderland is a place which is almost impossible to imagine without it's football team and the magnificent Stadium of Light, our hosts this evening. Almost impossible - but well worth making the effort I can assure you.

The very successful Nissan car plant is located here where they manufacture the cars in vast numbers - indeed - almost as many as are stolen from the city centre on a daily basis. The Chairman of Nissan fell in love with Sunderland while looking for a suitable site in the UK. He said that Sunderland reminded him so much of his boyhood in Japan, where he had been raised during the 1940's - in Hiroshima.

But that's enough of bombed out wrecks - almost - let's meet the teams. On my right Softie and Pit Bill - and on my left Buff and Dr Bill. (Raucous applause)

Now some bad news and some good news. The bad news is that our regular scorer Suzie Brown Ale is not with us this evening (audience groans). Suzie is taking a brief holiday. She is currently dating Zinedine Zidane who is involved in an important European Cup Tie this week. Suzie has dashed off and hopes to have time to give him a quick kiss between the Legs.

But the good news is that I can now unveil our new scorer - the delightful GALAXY! (Cheers, applause, wolf-whistles). We are very pleased to have Galaxy who is taking time out from her hectic lap dancing schedule to be with us this evening. At short notice Galaxy has dropped everything - goodness me - well almost everything - to be with us this evening. Thankyou Galaxy, now if you can just settle yourself in the usual position on my right hand here - not that close I can't see my script with those in the way - and here's my horn - remember to give that a squeeze between the rounds. Oh dear - pass me a glass of water my dear - my mouth's just gone very dry.

Musical accompaniment - and I use the term advisedly here, is provided for us this evening by Screacher. Screacher tells me that he's been studying Opera recently - but if she's not on he watches Jerry Springer instead. Now, many of you may be unaware, that Screacher, many years ago, was a member of a number of groups who went on to become famous after he left them. There was Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick, Tich and Screacher, The Dave Clark Six, The Mamas and Grandpapas, The Pretty Things and Screacher, and a once obscure Swedish group known only as Scrabba. Before we start teams, I might just point out to you that if you use your buzzers a lot it might drown out Screacher's musical accompaniment - another good way is to use a pneumatic drill.

On then to the first round ...

I'll now set up, perhaps over a few days, a number of games (depending on levels of participation!) on different threads to run simultaneously. If anyone wants to start their own game or do some more of these Humphrey Lyttleton bits you're most welcome. It's all nonsense and there are no rules, apart, of course, from Mornington Crescent which must be played properly. (We'll be playing the Geordie Metro version with the new Mackem extensions so make sure you're up to date with the latest rules).

If enough people enjoy this I'll keep it going for fun but if there are not many responses I'll keep it going for spite. :-)

-- Anonymous, July 18, 2001

Answers

APplause

-- Anonymous, July 18, 2001

LOL - great stuff Jonno.

-- Anonymous, July 18, 2001