Newcastle United have sold 94% of their season tickets for next season - and that's official. (We’ve changed the target number so we can make this claim)

The club, alleged in certain quarters to have had a poor response to season ticket renewal, are again rapidly heading towards over 40,000 season ticket holders for the new campaign. (We STILL haven’t sold 40,000 tickets)

Russell Cushing, United's Chief Operating Officer, was pleased to comment: "Many clubs in the Premiership are envious of the support the club receives through its season ticket sales. (They wish their fans base was as stupid as ours) Sell out crowds for the majority of home matches last season underlines the depth of support this club has. (You can fool some people all of the time)

"Last week somebody was suggesting that we didn't even have a waiting list. I can now report that over 10,000 letters were sent out last week to that non-existent waiting list in order to take up the small percentage reduction in sales so far with new applications topping 400 just from Monday's post. (We have over 10,000 STs left but only 400 of those waiting list bastards actually wanted one. It cost us more in postage than we got in revenue)

Bar packages are also selling well throughout (Piss heads the lot of them) and many corporate clients have renewed their contracts." (Though many corporate clients have not renewed becasue they don't want to be associated with failure)

Supporters on the waiting list have until Friday 20 July to get their applications in. (A deadline should get the bastards out of the pub and down to the post office)

The atmosphere in the club is upbeat following Saturday's victory in the Intertoto Cup and the Box Office has been inundated with ticket requests for next Saturday's second leg tie with Sporting Lokeren. (Thank Christ we beat the Belgies – we’d have had major problems flogging STs and home leg tickets if we’d have got beaten)

Russell Cushing was happy to add: "Sixteen thousand tickets have gone already. The response from fans to this early round of the competition, with United already leading 4 - 0, is staggering. (34,000 of the bastards can’t be bothered to turn out for this Mickey Mouse game and that’s before they knew it was on TV)

"All this with a month to go to the beginning of the season means we could even break last season's record sales. (And pigs could fly) I can assure any doubters that we're not talking up season ticket sales here (I’m lying through my teeth here but who cares - that’s public relations) - it's fact. The atmosphere at the final game of last season was electric, people are getting to feel at home in the new stadium and there are some spectacular early games that just can't be missed." (God I hope they swallow this rubbish and buy a season ticket our I’m out of a job)

-- Anonymous, July 17, 2001

Answers

ouch

-- Anonymous, July 17, 2001

Yes it's all a lie and we'll soon have to resort to putting half page ads in The Sunday Sun in desparation ...

-- Anonymous, July 17, 2001

Roly poly, how many ST's have your club sold? there's no need for you all to get so jealous man...we're not rubbing your noses in it!

-- Anonymous, July 17, 2001

Roly, I'd keep casting your eyes skyward for the next month or so, in case one of those pigs craps on you from a great height ;-)

-- Anonymous, July 17, 2001

you lot can be sooo vicious at times... and here's me just having some fun...

-- Anonymous, July 17, 2001

Sunderland, on the other hand, have been on the phone 4 times trying to sell corporate packages with the claim that it costs less than yer joe macum is paying for his sports bar ticket all this and free parking and easy payment terms. If only they had European football to encourage the gullible.

-- Anonymous, July 17, 2001

cant wait to see the attendance on satda for this so called "european football"....

all boxes at SOL are sold out so dont know what you are on about....

if its one of the two tickets and have a meal jobbies then i get that all the time from NUFC....

-- Anonymous, July 17, 2001

roly - the capacity for saturday is only 36,000 due to refurbishments . And I still can't get thro to the ticket office! You might be surprised at how many go !

-- Anonymous, July 17, 2001

SAFC Black Cats package @ £637.50 + VAT

Private members entrance

Informa dress code

Padded Seat in exclusive members only carpeted area

Seating within the 1st five rows of the Carling upper stands tier etc..

...free parking for St Peters Car Park with every 2 memberships....

....easy payment terms available

you can speak to a bloke called David Cunningham Roly that way you might know what I'm on about.

-- Anonymous, July 17, 2001

sounds a great deal.... suggest you take it up before they go... :O)

-- Anonymous, July 17, 2001

No rush then (c;

-- Anonymous, July 18, 2001