(thanks to Tripley Blessed who sent me this today!)

VOICE MAIL Most of us have now learned to live with "voice mail" as a necessary part of our daily lives. But have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine then praying and hearing the following: Thank you for calling Heaven. For English, press 1 For Spanish, press 2 For French, press 3 For German, press 4 For Hebrew, press 5 For all other languages, press "0" Please select one of the following options: Press 1 for Requests Press 2 for Thanksgiving Press 3 for Complaints Press 4 for all other inquiries. I am sorry, all our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line. If you would like to speak directly to: God, press 1 Jesus, press 2 Holy Spirit, press 3 Moses, press 4 Abraham, press 5 Joshua, press 6 Other holy people, press 7 If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while your are holding, press 8 And if you wish to find a loved one that has been assigned to Heaven, press 9 now, then enter his or her social security number followed by the "pound" sign. If you receive a negative response to this inquiry, please hang up and try area code: 666 For reservations at Heaven, please enter J-O-H-N, followed by the numbers 3-1-6. For answers to nagging questions about: Dinosaurs, The age of the earth, Life on other planets, and Where Noah's Ark is, Please wait until you arrive here. Our computers show that you have already prayed today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow. The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday. Please pray again on Monday, after 9:30 AM. If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local Minister, Rabbi, or Priest.

-- Anonymous, July 17, 2001