Your super soaraway BBS now welcomes it's latest attraction - our very own agony aunt. The one and only Galaxy has volunteered to perform this function (see the "Paranoia" thread) so send in details of all your personal problems and Galaxy will endeavour not to laugh answer them. There is no charge for this service although if we decide to publish you may have to pay a large fee to keep your name from being printed.

Screacher - your letter has arrived via parcel post and Galaxy simply does not have time to wade through that lot. We do have other readers. However if this facility is expanded and Galaxy takes on staff then we may be able to answer your queries - I very much doubt it though.

Pit Bill - your enquiry has been received and an answer is being sent under plain, waterproof cover. Galaxy is a leading expert in this area and should have some excellent advice. In the meantime - don't stand up - even if you love the Toon - otherwise the floor will be a dreadful mess.

The first letter this week comes from Jonno :-

Dear Galaxy

Please help me. I am in love with 11 men. I don't get to see them much - usually just once every other week through the winter - although often it seems like too much. We meet for about an hour and a half at the park - St James'. I always turn up early in all weathers and have to wait for them. Sometimes if the weather is really bad they just don't even turn up. Throughout the afternoon I'm sure they hardly notice me. They just seem to loll about on the grass - I've tried sitting quietly with them and I've tried shouting my head off at them but it makes no difference. I have to pay for everything and then they drive off in their very expensive cars afterwards. All they ever do is sometimes give me the clap (Looks harmless to me but friends say I should see a Doctor about this). Mind I was once thrilled to receive a silver cup from them and I was flattered to think that maybe they loved me and there would be more of the same, but that was 32 years ago and they have given me nothing since. I get the impression they don't really care about me - what do you think?

Their performance on the grass is often poor and leaves me wanting much more. Some of them are married or have girlfriends. Several are married AND have girlfriends. Oh I know I should give them up and I usually resolve every May that I will never see them again, but somehow, after being without them for 3 months and starting to enjoy life again, I get the urge to go and see them. What can I do Galaxy? Please don't ask me to give them up because I've tried that many times. By the way this has been going on for almost 40 years - do you think I am being very silly?

-- Anonymous, July 16, 2001

Answers

Jonno you're a star! :)) made me laugh out loud...

-- Anonymous, July 16, 2001

Haha ya, really nice one!

-- Anonymous, July 16, 2001

Which enquiry was that Jonno ? I've made so many over the last few days. And anyway, what sort of Agony Aunt divulges enquiries to other clients ? I'd have thought confidentiality would have been of prime concern. Can't say I'm too impressed with the way it looks like this Agony Aunt column is going to be run and the way I, in particular, have been singled out for a particularly cruel form of ridicule.

Has Galaxy had much experience of persecution complex, I've got this friend you understand ? Well he'd be a friend if only he'd stop picking on me.

-- Anonymous, July 16, 2001

I'm gutted. I was so looking forward to receiving a slapdown from Galaxy, and now you say I have to wait until she gets a staff to deal with me. Can't she make do with a cane or a leather strap like all the others?

Desperate of Minnestota.

-- Anonymous, July 16, 2001

Dear Readers,

Due to the unexpected size of my postbag, I am unable to address your problems in full today.

I can assure you that I shall give each and every one of your letters full and careful consideration....though this may take a little time.

Jonno, yours is by far the most serious and urgent case. Please do not feel that you are a lost cause. In fact, there is a cluster of similar cases in your area of almost epidemic proportions. As a temporary measure, until I can study your case fully, I recommend that you stay away from St. James`s Park. If you really need relief for your masochistic tendancies, I suggest sucking limes with the tried and tested clothespegs on the nipples. (Works for me!) Hold that thought......I`ll get back to you!(:o)

Pit Bill. I strongly recommend that you continue in the sitting position for the time being. You are not ready to attempt the full vertical manoeuver at this moment in time, though I think you can progress from the pelvic floor exercises to Part One of the exercise video I sent you - `Ready...Aim...Fire`. If you are determined to attempt the standing position, perhaps in the interest of marital harmony ,have you remember the little trick I suggested of wearing your trousers back to front? After all socks can go in the washing machine carpets are a little more difficult to clean! You know it makes sense.

Screacher. I have briefly skimmed through your letter, and would raise the following points: Paragraph (1) How big?!! Paragraph (2) I can`t quite read your handwritting....but, why would you ever want to do that?! Paragraph (3) A poss stick might work, but I strongly recommend medical advice. And, Paragraph (4) That must have made your eyes water.......and scared the hell out of the concierge. And no I don`t think they will press charges if there were mitigating circumstances.

yours sincerely,

Madge Poops

-- Anonymous, July 16, 2001

Urgent Apology to Dr Bill.

Dr Bill, Galaxy has just phoned me long distance from Prague where she's having a quick check-up (I think she said). She has received your complaint and points out that the letters on her keyboard were slightly dodgy last week and that the letter 'H' was sometimes coming out as 'F' in her messages. Anyway, the message should have read "Physician Heal thyself" and not as you received it. Anyway, follow the ammended advice and your energy levels should return to normal quite quickly. (Galaxy expresses her hope that you have someone to read this to you if the eyesight has deteriorated that much.)

-- Anonymous, July 16, 2001

Desperate of Minnestota

You are obviously in need of severe help - which Agony Aunt doesn't seem to be able to sort. I shall therefore fly out to Minneapolis on friday and will be available for consultation over the weekend.

Josh

PS Is Minnestota near Minnesota ? - I hope so.

-- Anonymous, July 16, 2001

Sorry, that should have read: Mine's a stotty. Must have been corrupted on the way over. When's your last access to email?

-- Anonymous, July 16, 2001

I thought it was mini tosser - I've been reading too many of Clarky's posts.

-- Anonymous, July 16, 2001

I suggest sucking limes with the tried and tested clothespegs on the nipples.

Galaxy pet - I'm not sure if you fully understand this concept of "Agony Aunt". It seems to me that you may have got hold of the wrong end of the stick entirely (and I'm not referring to Screacher's treatment here). I mean, as I understand it, the function of an Agony Aunt is to reduce agony not dream up ever more elaborate ways of producing it. I feel very uncomfortable now ever since your suggested solution. When "A man called Horse" came on TV and the scene where he is suspended by the nipples was shown I suppressed a scream and rapidly turned off the set! I could not imagine anything worse (although I'm sure you and Screacher can think of something).

No I can't contemplate your solution I'm afraid and so I shall be going back to the park on Saturday. Maybe my lads will be good to me this year. clothespegs on the nipples? . Only TSM was worse than that!

-- Anonymous, July 16, 2001

Jonno, can I please ask you to leave my stick out of this. I know life in Tesco's can get a bit heavy at times, but that is no excuse for casting nasturtiums at my poss stick, especially in public. What will it be next?

I thought Galaxy came up with some great ideas and now you are denegrading them. If you don't like the suggested treatment, then may I suggest applying the clothespegs elsewhere (but not on one's poss stick). At least you will have an excuse for the floods running down your face.

Galaxy, thanks for your advice. I can assure you the size was accurate. I got it straight from the horse's mouth. As I'm sure you know, at our age, communicating is a bit difficult. I tend to use only one finger these days. What about you? WRT medical advice, I once asked Dr Bill in the Straabeery one evening. I don't think I dare repeat his answer, but I'm sure it's not part of the Hypocratic Oath. Oath yes. Hypocratic yes. But not together. As for the concierge, he speaks well of you. He said he loves Galaxy (does Pete know?) but would prefer some Rum & Raisins next time. Shall I keep taking the tablets?

-- Anonymous, July 16, 2001

Dear Jonno,

In view of your response, I have carefully reviewed your case and it seems that I missed a vital piece of information. Looking at your symptoms, I am guessing that at some time in the recent past you contracted a severe case of `extreme Newcastle United football fever`, usually referred to in medical circles in the abbreviated form.

In the classic scenario the post viral symptoms can include, any, or all of the following: An intense and overwhelming personal involvement with a number of people at one time (usually at least eleven). Delusions that these are real and reciprocal relationships. Compulsive, obsessive and almost rituallistic behaviour patterns. Eg., an irresistable urge to return to the same place, same day of the week, same time, wearing exactly the same clothes (in extreme cases, even wearing the same underpants). Extreme anxiety. Worries about performance. Dissatisfaction with performance. Constant and obsessive analysis of technique.

If you are suffering with any, or all of the above symptoms, I am almost one hundred percent certain that you have had ENUFF!

May I recommend pets as therapy? My videos `Guineapigs are Good Listeners` and `Happiness is a Hamster` have helped many people in your position. Retailing at £19.99 these are excellent value. I also recommend you take advantage of our service agreement. For an additional £59.99 we guarantee replacement pets by return of post - FREEPOST jiffybags are included in this price.

Yours sincerely,

Madge Poops

-- Anonymous, July 17, 2001

Dear Screacher,

Thank you for your letter.

Are you perchance staying at the Radisson in Minneapolis? The concierge does indeed sound familiar. Is he a stocky four foot seven with a trailing leg and a tendancy to bark like a dog? If so, I recommend that you change hotels immediately. Although I do not believe this man to be dangerous, the Shih-Tzu Speciality did have a profound and unexpected effect on him. Is he still wearing his hair in a topnot with a bow?

If changing hotels is out of the question, may I recommend keeping an ample supply of Butch`s Big Bonio Treats in your trouser pockets? I found skidding a treat down the length of the foyer and shouting `fetch`, usually bought me enough time to slip into the lift unnoticed (relatively speaking).

Let me know if this solves your problems.

Yours sincerely,

Madge Poops

PS. With regard to Dr. Bill, have ever actually SEEN his credentials?

-- Anonymous, July 17, 2001

Many thanks Galaxy. After a fitful night spent with my hands clasped tightly across my chest, the mention of small furry creatures has made me feel more relaxed this morning. Maybe a pussy would make me feel better.

I'm off to the library now to get a dictionary and finish reading the rest of your message.

-- Anonymous, July 17, 2001

Do not buy anything alive off this woman, it probably has a virus and will die within the week.

-- Anonymous, July 17, 2001

Dear Jonno,

Your reply has just given me another valuable insight into your condition. It appears that you may also be suffering from Sloacombe`s Syndrome by Proxy. When you happen across anyone wearing shorts and a football shirt, are you so overwhelmed with desire to draw them into your fantasy play that you get an uncontrollable Tourettesque urge to shout `Are you free!`?

Yours sincerely,

Madge Poops

-- Anonymous, July 17, 2001

Crocodile clips are much more effective, and now that my seat in the Milburn stand has been suitably adapted to eradicate the discomfort resulting from my condition - the chafing due to the dampness I found particularly irksome - I can get away with using the clips one at a time and alternating.

In fact I'm thinking of adapting the treatment and using the spare crocodile clip on my poss stick, which I think will have a suitably beneficial effect on my tear ducts, and might even highlight the possibility that the seat modification may have been unnecessary.

-- Anonymous, July 17, 2001

Dear Gus,

It sounds to me like you have unresolved issues. (;o)

I understand. You feel betrayed, tricked, disillusioned, perhaps even somewhat foolish? Believe me I DO understand, I have been there myself, duped by a vile trickster. Like you, my only crime was to be lead by my open trusting nature onto the web of the cruel Magistr virus.

I`m over it now, but it has been a difficult time. You too will get through this, and your sweet happy disposition will gain the upper hand.

Do you use protection now? I know I do! (:o)

Yours sincerely,

Madge Poops

-- Anonymous, July 17, 2001

Dear Pit Bill,

Nice to hear that you are making progress

The crocodile clips are a super idea, but can you keep your voice down....you may upset Jonno.

A word of caution though, do make sure that you sterilise the crocodile clip properly first. Milton solution works well, or in an emergency heat them on the hob until they are glowing. This is not ideal as it can lead to scarring, though I do understand that branding is now taking over from tattooing as the `ultimate` in body art.

Let me know how it is going - we might be able to come to some arrangement over a `self-help` video.

Yours sincerely

Madge Poops

-- Anonymous, July 17, 2001

Sterilsation is no problem Galaxy. I have the full permission of 'er indoors to borrow her cook's blow torch, which is a very convenient pocket size, so it's a doddle to sterilise the croc clips in situ, with the minimum of disruption to those around me.

Mind, on occasion, some assistance is required to extinguish the flames when me poss stick teks hadd.

-- Anonymous, July 17, 2001

God - I wish I hadn't started this .... !!! :-)

-- Anonymous, July 17, 2001

Dear Pit Bill,

If you insist on the blow torch method of sterilisation, can I recommend that you carry a small bottle of water with you at all times. Besides being a handy fire extinguisher, it is terribly trendy and will improve your street credibility by convincing your friends that you have just returned from a `rave`.

By the way, it is good to hear that your wife is being so supportive. Are you well convered in the Life Assurance department?

Yours faitfully

Madge Poops

-- Anonymous, July 17, 2001

Bottle of water not required Galaxy. Remember, I now have a modified seat which has been fitted with a perfectly aquaduct liquid container that I'm sure could serve as a very serviceable fire extinguisher.

This would also go some way to assisting me in coping with the mild fear of crowds from which I have suffered since passing the menopause with honours, in that those who were seated within a 40 feet radius circle of my seat have refused to renew there season tickets.

I notice that the club have officially acknowledged this fact by annoucing that 94% of season tickets have been renewed. It would otherwise have been 98%.

-- Anonymous, July 17, 2001

Dear Midge,

So much for your amateur attempts at cycle anal ism.

I do not have any unused tissues.

I was wearing protection, I have a nice pair of Bolles.

However the Bolles do not have the option to be worn when reading.

I do not know what happened to my hippy deposition, but when I find out who took it, look out.

-- Anonymous, July 17, 2001

If my wife wasn't so supportive Madge, I'd keep falling down.

As for the Life Assurance Dept. cover, I won't need it until the caad weather sets in, me cardi and shawl should suffice until about the middle of August, when it really turns chilly.

Plus there's the increased fire risk from all this inflammable material flapping in the wind, which reminds me, I must go back to the clinic and get them to change me tablets.

-- Anonymous, July 17, 2001

Dear Galaxy,

Thank you for your age on-going concern. It is very touching.

Sadly, the concierge at the Radisson in Minneapolis had to leave in a hurry. I didn't want to delve too deeply, but I think he heard that Josh is visiting next weekend. The good news is that he has taken up employment at MacDonalds here in Hicksville Minnesota. Apparently they do a great new line in Shih-Tzu Patties and he's sure the locals will get used to the smell. He says he remembers your turn and was quite amazed that you could still do it. I was not.

Regarding my problem, I'm sorry to report that things are getting no netter. Despite using my poss stick as you suggested, there seems little perceptible change, apart from the darkenning colour. Is that natural? I even tried getting hold of some of Pit Bill's crocodile clips but I had to make do with some alligators instead. They're quite snappy little things but don't have quite the bite required.

As for Dr Bill's credentials - well what can I say. After a long nightout in Lahndaan after one of the Toon sojourns to Wembley, he collapsed in a heap (was that one of your Shih-Tzu Specialities?) and all was laid bare. Sadly, he's never been the same since. I sincerely hope you can help him.

Nurse - come quickly.

-- Anonymous, July 17, 2001

Dear Pit Bill,

You certainly do seem to be on top of the situation now. Nevertheless, I recommend that the clinic doubles your medication for a little while - just to be on the safe side.

Yours sincerely,

Madge Poops

-- Anonymous, July 17, 2001

Dear Gus,

Not quite sure how you managed that clever bit of queue jumping - did you bribe my secretary?

I can tell from your letter that you are still suffering some sideaffects from your recent viral infection. I also detect supressed anger. This is not good for you and must be addressed immediately.

Do you have access to any ambient music cds or tapes? You know the sort of thing, `Sounds of the Sea`, `Amazon Rainforest during a Storm`, `Early Morning Birdsong`? Yes? Well they won`t do at all! Instead, let me send you a tape of what is known over here as `dance` music. It is very popular with Quicksave shelf packers, but it does occasionally cause people to verbalise and vent their pent up anger.

It may work for you. Perhaps you would let me know.

Yours sincerely

Madge Poops

-- Anonymous, July 17, 2001

Madge
Apparently the safe side is anywhere but SJP when I'm there.

And you're right, I am on top of the situation but if the pile gets any higher, I could end up needing treatment for friction burns from my bald spot grating on the glass roof above Level 7.

I think I'll see how a change of pills works before I ask for double dosage, if you don't mind. Don't want you to get the idea that I'm ignoring your obviously well considered advice, and I don't for one minute think you're taking advantage of a poor sad owld gadgy just to get your bill total up to football transfer fee proportions. Definitely not. No way. That's the farthest thought from my mind.

Which begs the question 'Why you bleating on about it then ?'

-- Anonymous, July 18, 2001

Dear Madge

According to your correspondents I seem to have a problem with my credentials. This seems odd to me, as most of your correspondents seem to be obsessed with small furry animals.

As far as I'm aware, my credentials are as well in order as ever. I got them a long time ago from a nice old chap, forget his name but he was wearing a long gown and funny hat. He mustn't have needed them any more. Anyway, I've kept them pretty much to myself since then. I know some chaps like to have them on display - maybe they think it impresses people, but I've always been a fairly modest type myself so I keep them hidden away. Well, OK every now and again I like to take them out and just make sure everything is in order, you know. But that's allowed isn't it?

And I should tell you that there have never been any complaints about my credentials before. So I'm very hurt that when I come back from a bit of an absence from the BBS people are poking fun at them. I wouldn't mind if it was the new neighbours - you know, Kev and Rowley, it's what you'd expect, but surely my so-called friends should be a bit more tactful?

So, Madge, what should I do? Get my credentials out and prove that they are as good as they ever were? Challenge Mr Screacher to a face- off so we can see whose are better? Or should I just accept that mine have seen better days, bit frayed round the edges, and allow them to be the, er, butt of his humour?

-- Anonymous, July 19, 2001