That one took the cake for me.

I'm not going to tell you who asked it, but my answer was just stunned silence.

What's the strangest question you've been asked recently?

-- Anonymous, July 13, 2001

Answers

Beth, I just don't know how to top that one. Er, no pun intended. Geez, I lead a sheltered life.

-- Anonymous, July 13, 2001

Oh Christ Beth *how* did someone come to ask you that? This reminds me of Pamie's entry about the Donkey debate.

Last week my buddy and I were at a going-away party for one of our coworkers. My buddy is a great guy, he's smart, he's funny, and everyone loves him... but he hasn't had a date in like two years. He's good looking but I think just a little bit shy and not good at flirting. Mostly he plays video games or hangs out with his friend and her boyfriend.

Anyway (after that background), one of our drunken coworkers was sort of grilling him about this, asking why he didn't have a girlfriend, and then in all seriousness asked, "Tim, are you happy with your life?"

It's not nearly as odd as being asked if you masturbate with rocks, but it just seemed like a strange question coming from a coworker. I guess because of the implication that he shouldn't be happy with his life.

-- Anonymous, July 13, 2001

Have you? (I won't tell.)

Mine isn't recent but I remember it as if it were. The thirty- something year old male piano player at church, (the one who snuck off to the kitchen, just after tickling the ivories for song service, to join up with the red headed, average looking, teen aged semi slutty pastor's daughter to do a little more tickling in the key of French if you know what I mean - sneakin' out like the whole congregation didn't know what was up.)

After one of the youth services, (what he was doing hanging out with the "youth" group I'll let you decide), piano man asked me with an overly concerned look in his eye, "rudeboy, I feel in my spirit that something is troubling you. Is there something you need me to intercede for?" I looked at him like he was crazy. He stared back into my eyes with a deeply concerned look and a myriad of images crossed my mind.

I wondered if he could read in my face the thoughts that were running through my head. Did he now know that during Sunday dinner he was a topic of gossip at my family's table? Did he realize that we all knew that his black eye came from a walk into a fist at the local teen hangout the night before and not from dropping a wrench while changing his oil? Did he now know that everyone, save maybe the pastor, knew that he was boinking the first daughter on the same linoleum that served dual duty as both a gathering place for after service coffed/cake fellowship and the men's Sunday School room?

It's one of those moments you wish you had over again. I wished I'd said something suave like, "Motherfucker, step off." Of course, being the young non-cursing christian young man that I was I only repied, "Naw. Everything's going fine." Which it was. Paino playin' prick.

-- Anonymous, July 14, 2001

Are you sure they weren't asking, "While masturbating, have you ever had visions of "The Rock?"

or maybe - were you listening to rock?

-- Anonymous, July 14, 2001

Ooooooooooh... yeah baby, I masturbate with rocks all the time. Mmmmmmmmm.

Shall I post pics?

-- Anonymous, July 14, 2001

No.

The question came in the context of looking at some rocks (really), and it was totally out of the blue, and it cracked me up, and my answer (had I not been too stunned to answer) would have been "no." Or possibly, "Are you high?"

-- Anonymous, July 14, 2001

No way, you can really prepare yourself when a question like that comes along.

Q "Have you ever masturbated with a rock?" A "No, but I've been rather lucky in life compared to most people."

-- Anonymous, July 14, 2001

I was once asked, totally out of the blue, "So Michael, have you ever made love in a coffin?"

Not yet ...

-- Anonymous, July 14, 2001

Oh, Michael's answer reminded me of something a guy friend of mine was asked by a date a few years ago. They were in a bar after a movie, talking, having a nice time and he had been having such a good time with her, he knew he wanted to see her again. Intelligent, pretty, lots of chemistry. He said he'd been thinking all night, "I cannot believe that she hasn't been snapped up by someone -- she's great!" A little while later, after a couple of drinks, she asked if he wanted to go back to his place. He was surprised -- he geniuinely wasn't expecting that, but hey, things were cooking there, so why not? Then she leaned forward and asked him if he ever 'did it' with a gun with a girl-friend. As in, substituted the gun for himself. As in, a loaded gun. She liked the thrill of danger, she said. I think he set a land-speed record getting out of the bar.

-- Anonymous, July 14, 2001

That girl just wanted to get more bang from her buck. Maybe she was just bored with the same ol' sex. He was crazy to turn down such an guaranteed piece. All she wanted from him was a night cap (in the ass).

On the other hand, maybe he was prudent to be cautiuos. A girl like that could've just ben wanting to get him asleep so she could rifle/i> through his things. Wss she pistoled-off when he said no?

-- Anonymous, July 14, 2001

First, I have to close those goddamn italics.

Secondly, boo and also hiss, Shmuel. You're killing me.

And thirdly, quite a number of animals have been observed to have forced sexual encounters, though I can only recall the dog stories right now. Acts of rape among Bonobo chimps have also been observed (not to mention murder, war, and meat-eating) - which is one of the reasons anthropologists consider the Bonobo to be human's closest relative among primates.

And the reason I'm mentioning this is what, exactly? Right. I don't remember. Anyway.

The weirdest question I got this morning was when, walking around the back way, through my company's garage, a nice man stopped me and screamed "TUESDAY - or FRIDAY? I said TUESDAY, or FRIDAY, GODDDAMNIT!"

-- Anonymous, July 16, 2001

In a *coffin*?

Jeez. I guess if you were dating a funeral director it could be done but uhhh.. yeesh. I'm pretty open-minded but a *coffin*?!

Okay, I'm fine now.

I guess the weirdest question was when I was stopped by (pardon my probable inability to spell this) one of those Iralean/Aralien/however you spell the religious cult that believes aliens seeded the earth. He handed me a pamphlet, looked me directly in the eyes and asked, "are you ready to go home yet?" The pamphlet was all about how the mothership was coming soon to take us all back to where we belong, but only if we were truly ready to take that step.

I tried very hard to hold it in, honestly I did. But I admit it: I burst out laughing right in front of him. Then I apologized and hurried on my way.

-- Anonymous, July 16, 2001

I'm not sure about the strangest question I've been asked but I remember the strangest question I misheard. A friend and I were talking about getting some snacks and he looked up at me and I thought he said, "Hey, do you have any Jesus in spray can?" All I could do was stare at him with a confused expression. Then he said, "Cheese. Cheese in a spray can. What?"

-- Anonymous, July 16, 2001

damn, Travis, that cracked me up.

-- Anonymous, July 16, 2001

Actually, the strangest question I've been asked lately is, "How did that make you feel?" by a television reporter, but it's only strange in context.

The context is the preacher of our church, who I've known for two and a half years and who preached at Jamie's funeral---was arrested Monday, supposedly caught in the act, of breaking into unlocked cars at a local YMCA and stealing numerous credit cards, wallets, and laptop computers.

That's not as dire as it could be in some religious institutions---in ours, the preacher is the spokesmen, but there is a body of elders over him who really run the place---but it's definitely been an odd week. I've gotten emails from reporters from the taboid THE GLOBE wanting to know, since I do our church's web page, if they can use the church picture off the site.

I thought about that one for a second, figured I knew the sort of story they'd write, but they'd do it with the picture or without, and gave them an unofficial OK, that nobody'd sue them, that we have bigger fish to fry.

I'm not sure how much reported in the media is true, and the minister is staying mum on advice of counsel until his hearing on Sept. 11th, but it's definitely been an interesting week....

Oh, my answer to the "how does it make you feel?" was "Puzzled. It definitely seems that something doesn't add up..."

Al of NOVA NOTES.

-- Anonymous, July 16, 2001

See, Al, if you would have encouraged more people to tithe . . .

-- Anonymous, July 16, 2001

The WORST part, Curtis, is, if we hire another preacher, he'll look over our salary offer, no matter how generous, clear his throat, and say,

"I understand your previous preacher stole wallets and credit cards?"

(Pause for effect.)

"I can certainly understand why. Perhaps we should discuss the salary a bit..."

*Grin*

Al of NOVA NOTES.

-- Anonymous, July 16, 2001

Doesn't everyone steal credit cards?

I mean, I've seen those Visa commercials...

-- Anonymous, July 16, 2001

I'm not sure about the strangest question I've been asked but I remember the strangest question I misheard.

One of my pals misheard me once. I can't for the life of me remember what I actually said but the phrase, "want some fanny, Grandpa?" has entered our lexion.

It's especially odd because while fanny may mean butt in the US of A, in Australia, it actually refers to another part of a woman's body. And not her baps.

-- Anonymous, July 17, 2001

Okay, I knew the British/Australian definition of "fanny," but I've never heard "baps" before. Nor is it in any of my slang dictionaries, one of which is generally quite good with Australian slang. I'm guessing it refers to breasts?

-- Anonymous, July 17, 2001

I just flew back from Austin, (and, boy, are my arms.... oh, nevermind) after driving my wife down there (26 hours of straight driving)... anyways, I was looking forward to the 3 hour direct flight back as a chance to catch up on some needed sleep. No chance.

Strangest question I've been asked? Every single one the crazy lady sitting next to me on the flight asked me. Before we took off from Austin, I knew that she was a docent at the Governor's mansion in Austin, where she just recently met the new Governor's wife, "who's not the least bit pretentious, a "real" person, you know?" Her husband had just finished 6 months of chemo..."We juiced alot... What do you think about nutrition? What do you think about stem cell research? I just can't believe that their growing babies in test tubes just so people don't get cancer or get forgetful. By the way, I'm a Christian and am Pro-life, what are you? Does it ever get above 60 degrees in San Francisco? Don't you think that Jenna Bush was set up in that restaurant? How come California can't pay its electric bill?"

Also, I'm terrified of flying... well, not of flying, really. I'm not really afraid of heights,either, or even of falling, I mostly fear hitting the ground at high velocity. Anyways, the punk pilot (any pilot wearing oakley wraps is too young) was trying out his "S" turns the last hour of the flight. Me: white knuckles, grasping my arm rests, visibly uncomfortable (and unable to pretend like I was sleeping to be left alone.) She: the perceptive conservative that we all know and adore, notices my grimace and asks the grand finale, "Don't you think that that was such a tragedy what happened to JFK jr.?"

No, lady, we pro-stem cell research, Green Party member, pro-baby killing, anti-gun, foreign car driving, drug taking, Scientologists think that JFK jr. had outlived his purpose and was needed back on the mothership.

-- Anonymous, July 17, 2001

Yes, Shmuel, you deduced correctly. Baps is a slang term for breasts!

-- Anonymous, July 17, 2001

it wasn't exactly a question, but on sunday my mom wanted to make perfectly sure i wasn't going to elope when i go to chicago in a month. there might have been a question implied--"you're not going to elope, are you?" i just laughed, it was the most ridiculous thing i'd heard from her all month.

(the answer, for the curious, is "good lord, no!" aside from the fact that she would KILL me, if i ever get married i want an actual ceremony with previously invited guests. otherwise how will we get cool presents from crate & barrel?)

-- Anonymous, July 19, 2001

Rocks?!?! Coffins?!?! Gah!!!! Wow, I didn't think I was that sheltered. Hmmmm oddest question. Ok, this isn't really odd. It just makes you wonder how many brain cells this person had left. Aforementioned person had just asked me if 7:00 P.M. on Monday would be o.k. for a meeting time. I looked befuddled and said, "No, I have class. You know, the same one you are in." He replied: "So 7 o'clock then?" Um, no.......duh.

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

Asked not to me, but to a co-worker: "Does your husband ever tattoo dead people?"

Go figure.

The asker at some point gave additional information about why such a thing might ever happen--"Well, maybe someone might belong to a culture which requires certain kinds of tattoos, but he never got one while alive for whatever reason. Maybe the he might want to be tattooed after he dies, to make his family happy, say."

I'm trying not to think about to what extent that makes any sense.

I'd prefer to think about the strangest question I've asked someone recently. Hrm.

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

The reason you might want to tattoo someone after death is to identify deceased alien replicants. You need to use something permanent or else another alien or a government conspirator might remove it.

-- Anonymous, July 21, 2001

Shut up, Mulder. You're drunk again.

-- Anonymous, July 21, 2001

Would you two get a room? Oh, wait.

-- Anonymous, July 21, 2001

The first time I saw my mom after I got my hair cut really short, she asked me, "Are you a lesbian?"

I was standing in her kitchen beside my husband of six years at the time.

When I convinced her that I was still hetero, she asked, in a quiet, worried voice, "Well, were you raped?"

In Mom's world: Butch haircut = sexual issues

-- Anonymous, July 22, 2001

This wasn't a recent question, but Amy's post reminded me...

Years ago a friend of mine and my sister's (a gay guy) was visiting home from college. My sister was busy, so I agreed to bring him along to a party a friend of mine (another gay guy) was having that evening.

I mentioned our plans to my mom, who asked me in all seriousness, "Are you a pimp?"

'Cause, y'know, the only reason I could possibly have for being there was to set these two strangers up for sex.

-- Anonymous, July 24, 2001