I've got the honourable task (well actually, I’m starting to wonder what I've done to deserve it) of being best man for one of my mates in a few weeks and I'm planning on writing my speech this weekend.

I was wondering if anyone has done, or heard, either funny opening gags or humorous speeches, or know of any web sites where I can get some inspiration?

Thanks in advance…

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2001

Answers

Don't do a speech. Hire a slide projector, get loads of the stupidest pictures of the groom, mess about with them in photoshop, even add pictures of celebs (the night he met Cindy Crawford etc), or him at the VD clinic, outside a maternity hospital holding a baby etc. Show the pictures, thread in some true life tales to the accompanying story and it'll be a cracker, I've seen it done.

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2001

Opened a speach of mine with reference to the grooms year of birth and his Chinese astrological sign, in his case a 'goat', followed by all the more disparaging attributes to goats. I guess the trick is to take-the-mickey without making the brides family thinking 'Oh my God!. Try ringing around other friends and family of his to pick up some prime embarrassing anecdotes.

My poor cousin had to put up with her groom's bestman recounting stories that ended up with him, for example, caught en flagrant with the cleaning lady.

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2001

Wonkey mate, I can lend you a book that my Simon used when he was best man. His speech was surprisingly good ;-) so the book must have a few good tips. I'll post it to you.

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2001

Try Lytton Strachey's operning line when a best man at a Bloomsbury literary wedding:

"having had the considerable satisfaction of sleeping with both the bride and the groom, I can tell you.............."

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2001

Once heard this bit as an ending: "I was asked by [groom] what to do should [bride] start smoking. I suggested he should slow down and use more lubricant".

Also, at my wedding my best man made a story that I would often leave a copy of my house key with former lovers, and asked for those present to return them...about 20 got up (including lads) and handed back keys.

Props are always a winner ;-)

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2001

Brides father was my forte, rise ,clasp hands , bow head and ask for a minutes silence for the bank of your choice , thing is they did, I got my minutes silence broken only by thunderous applause and shouts of ` now go for it Buff. A good opener for a best man is to find out the genolgy of the couple, family etc , and then apply a football theme , we are Geordie/ Irish, son in law Scot`s/Italian , easy to write a script to that one

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2001

I opened a speech saying "how honoured I was to be the best man but as I was a man of very few words he should of chosen somebody with a bigger mouth. So I'll hand you over to his new mother-in-law." and promptly sat down.

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2001

I made my speech into a rhyme, that seemed to go down well - and it was easy to remember so I didnt have to keep looking at my "cards".

I hope the speeches are before the meal, I had nowt to eat I felt that I would throw up with the nerves!!

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2001