I recently read "Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe," by Gavin de Becker. De Becker is a security specialist who devises strategies to protect groups like Congress and the Supreme Court from terrorist threats, and one of his sub-specialties is child security. "Protecting the Gift" is all about the real risks of violence that children face, and its simple message is that instinctie fear is a gift that should be preserved.

De Becker argues that our fear instincts are as well-developed as any dog's, and while we may not be able to explain with our conscious minds WHY we perceive a threat, we should honor the gift of being able to perceive the threat. His book is full of obviously good advice that's hard to imagine taking. If you feel a threat when a harmless, bleeding stranger shows up at your door and asks for medical attention, shut the door and lock it. Then call an ambulance and wait for them to arrive. If you get a bad vibe about a day care provider as you sign the contract, take the contract back and rip it up. He backs up this advice very convincingly.

This advice came to mind when I read, in the "neighbors" thread, about jen letting her creepy neighbor in to get a bandaid -- I wouldn't have stopped him, either. Does anyone take de Becker's advice?

-- Anonymous, July 03, 2001

Answers

Is he the same guy who wrote The Gift of Fear? Because that book was highly recommended to me, but I really hated it. I understand where he's coming from and I think he's right up to a point, but the whole idea of the book seemed to be to foster paranoia, and honestly, I don't think we need any help with that.

-- Anonymous, July 03, 2001

Same guy. I didn't read "The Gift of Fear" -- I found "Protecting the Gift" quite comforting, but of course a parent is naturally paranoid and de Becker's rational approach to paranoia was sort of a relief.

But, de Becker aside, do y'all tell weird people in the subway to back the hell off and not talk to you, or do you do what I do and smile sympathetically and give them a quarter if that's what they want?

-- Anonymous, July 03, 2001

I haven't read the book, but have heard of it. Do you know if he's American, by any chance? (His last name sounds South African to me...)

I really credit my slight paranoia with the fact that I've lived in cities for 13 years and haven't once been mugged. I don't ever care *why* I feel a certain way, I just act on it. Case in point: walking home from the tube one night when I lived in London, some guy walking behind me giving me a bad vibe (and this was in a very crowded, vibrant area). I obviously stopped and watched him pass - looked him in the eye, and then followed behind him. He kept looking back. When the retail area died out and we got to residential, he was still looking back. I let him walk and then - hailed a taxi. Three blocks from my house. As we drove past, I saw him ducked behind a large column at the entryway to a house by the road. Obviously waiting for me.

In this case, I believe I was right and that he would have tried to harm me. Sometimes I'm sure I'm very wrong. But glaring at people on the street, crossing over, etc., and maybe hurting someone's feelings is small price to pay, considering the alternative.

BTW, I told my story to the taxi driver, and guess what? He took the advantage of my distress and to gave me three counterfeit 5-pound notes as change from my 20! Believe me, that was a lot of money to me at the time. All's well that end's well, though - my friends and I used them to pay for lunch at the Harrod's cafeteria where we worked!

-- Anonymous, July 03, 2001

Beth, you're right... he does tend to incite paranoia in some people. But I think that it's a deserved paranoia. Unfortunately his target audience, those of us that need reminders that the world can be a bad place and to be on guard, are the ones less likely to purchase his book of common sense. Those of us who would search out and find this type of book interesting are most likely already concerned about our's and our children's safety.

You -have- to take it with a grain of salt. He gives "real" examples of people who didn't listen to their insticts (and had a few of them on Oprah when she was touting his book), and, luckly, lived to regret it.

You may remember me saying, in another thread, that I have borderline anxiety attacks when my wife is late. This is, if not due to then extremely exacerbated by the fact that I've seen this relatively intelligent person put herself in vulnerable positions; where and when she's walking alone, what she's doing (not paying attention), where she parks... and it seems that she (like many people, not just women) feel that most such fears are ridiculous, and to ask for help out to the car, or for security to escort her out after work, or avoiding a suspicious person in an elevator or parking garage is just a sign of weakness. AARGH! These are the types of people that Gavin tries to reach out to... perhaps to scare a little sense into.

Alleline, as far as my activities are concerned, I found that I already utilize alot of Gavin's advice. I never give money, and avoid eye contact with people on the streets. You may think of me as incredibly insensitive, but (not to be uppity) I've worked over 1600 hours in a battered women/child shelter here in San Fran in the last 4 years. I know that a majority of the homeless here live on the streets (due to no choice of their own) with either mental illness, substance abuse or a combination therein.

The best advice for people, for their own safety, is to avoid eye contact and keep walking. Limit your exposure. The best advice for people, for their own conscience, is to realize that direct monatary assistance, more often than not, is not used in a beneficial way. Give directly to a shelter, or support a mission, instead. In any case, I absolutely agree with 75% of what Gavin says.

-- Anonymous, July 03, 2001

I certainly hope folks don't take de Becker's advice. Fear and paranoia are ugly, nasty, all too common things. As feelings, they're often triggered when dealing with new or unknown things. And then, as a result of being fearful and paranoid, most everything stays unknown. Vicious cycle.

There's entirely too much to be lost by living a paranoid life. I have little respect and some amount of pity for those who do.

-- Anonymous, July 03, 2001

I don't agree with you, Morpheus, about the eye-contact thing. Criminals prey on people who seem weak. Looking someone in the eye conveys the opposite, in my opinion.

And Curtis, I suppose there might be egg on my face if you are a woman, but I'll say it anyway b/c I believe it's true: women live with a different reality. If you don't have respect for me, and/or pity me because I take paranoid-seeming steps to avoid being raped - then you obviously have no idea about or interest in that reality. And I think it's everyone's responsibility (man or woman) to be aware of that reality. As in, if you are a man, don't walk 10 feet behind me down a dark residential street. Speed up, slow down, do something - just put yourself in my place, as a human being.

-- Anonymous, July 05, 2001

I think you already wrote my reply yourself, Lynne. There's a world of difference between "paranoid-seeming" and paranoid. I adjust my behavior (sometimes drastically) depending on my surroundings. That's not paranoid, that's just being smart. You're right about looking people in the eye- people *do* prey on the weak. Fearful and paranoid people are often fairly easy to spot, and it's they're the blue light special of weakness.

When I don't know much about the environment I'm entering, I'm usually quiet and watch everything. But I go anyway. Otherwise it will always be new and scary.

Paranoid is not going somewhere just because you think it's unsafe (say, downtown on the weekend). Paranoid is being convinced that every man on the same street as you after 10pm is there to rape you. Paranoid is missing the opportunity for a really interesting conversation because you "shouldn't speak to strangers."

The respect issue aside, the pity comes from the fact that many people, and *especially* women, are raised to be this way, taught that they'll always be at the mercy of others, and should let (what they think are) the dangers of the rest of the world shape their daily lives.

-- Anonymous, July 05, 2001

Curtis, I don't think de Becker's book teaches ppl to be fearful/paranoid of everything. I've read the book, and if anything it taught me personally to realize that things stalkers/bad people were doing were indeed evil and warning signs of greater evil yet to come. So as Alleline states, it helped me perceive threats.

I Haven't read the Children and Teenagers book. But I do have to say that I don't recall following any of his "advice" per say.. but most of any advice in the Gift of Fear book seemed to be common sense, or stuff other ppl had already recommended.

I mean, walking outside in the dark by myself as a young female would be just stupid, no matter where i was, but that's not to say that I wouldn't grab a partner, or walk with a group. That's just common sense, not paranoia.

In any case, I think his books were good read-thru's in the way of wake-up-calling to all the various types of harassments & other evils that are out there.

-- Anonymous, July 05, 2001

I kind of have to side with Curtis here. I find statements like this one:

walking outside in the dark by myself as a young female would be just stupid, no matter where i was

... to be really sad. I mean, yeah, there are places where that's true. But there are also places where the odds of your being attacked by a stranger are so small that it really is very sad to live your life afraid to go outside.

-- Anonymous, July 05, 2001

I guess de Becker's advice in "The Gift of Fear" must really be something. I thought "Protecting the Gift" was pretty measured. Most of de Becker's suggestions center around reasonable safety measures to replace the stupid and useless rules we drum into our kids' heads.

For example, "Don't talk to strangers." That's a stupid rule, says de Becker, because we take our kids into strange environments and make them talk to people they don't know, all the time. At church, it's "Say hello to Mrs. Smith" and in the stores we make them talk to the cashiers who smile at them. The "strangers" rule is broken every day, and it's badly designed, since acquaintances are the actual danger to children. De Becker suggests teaching kids several rules to replace it: (i) The parent will never send another person to pick up the child from school or sports without telling the child, so no matter who shows up claiming to have permission to get the child, the answer is "no"; (ii) Never go with an adult who wants your help. Adults don't ask children for help with missing dogs or injured friends. An adult who desperately wants help from a child is dangerous.

Similarly, he suggests doing away with "If you're lost, go straight to a police officer," because they're few and far between, and anyway you don't want to accidentally send your child to an off-duty security guard. Instead, he recommends the rule, "If you're lost, find a woman who is taking care of a child," because that person is very unlikely to be a child molester.

I guess sometimes he does heighten fears; also, his "trust your instincts" message is counterproductive if you're already paranoid, but I really don't think of "Protecting the Gift" as a hymn of praise to paranoia.

-- Anonymous, July 05, 2001

Oh, in fairness to de Becker, I've not even heard of the book, nevermind read it. I was making guesses at what it claims, and reacting accordingly.

(It's easier when I set my own pins up, you see. Strike almost every time).

-- Anonymous, July 05, 2001

I read "The Gift of Fear" and didn't think that it had to do with teaching paranoia, but more to listening to that little voice that says "oh, this isn't good" and not putting yourself in bad situations intentionally.

Example: Elevators. In an unfamiliar building, you're at an elevator that opens with a man inside that somehow rubs you the wrong way. Is it stupider to risk offending him by saying you'll wait for the next one, or to get into a small enclosed metal box with a perfect stranger?

I dunno. I just think he wants you to listen to your instincts and stress less about offending people if you feel you're in danger. People use the "offending people" clause all the time to cause harm - there was a story in the book about a man who wanted to help a woman with her groceries, and she said no, and he said "there's such a thing as too much pride, you know." she let him, and he raped her.

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2001

De Becker draws a firm line between fear and worry/anxiety. Worry is what you feel when there's no reason to be afraid-- it's non-concrete, non-specific, free-floating anxiety. Fear is what you feel when you've picked up on details, conscious and sub-consciously, about your environment and the people around you, evaluated that information, and realised that there is reason to believe you're in danger of some kind. I'm paraphrasing a lot here, obviously, but that's the gist of it.

He also points out that you're in more danger of being in a car crash, than a plane crash, but very few people are phobic about cars; and that you're more in danger of being hurt by someone you know, than a total stranger. There's a whole section about domestic violence, and another about stalking behaviour.

I bought a copy for our shelter. "Gift of Fear" isn't about paranoia, it's about accurately evaluating what we know, to predict what people are likely to do.

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2001

Lynne... sorry, I should've made that more clear. I was -only- advocating "avoiding eye contact" with people soliciting on the streets... people that may exploit any type contact by increasing confrontation (i.e. to shame you into giving them money.)

I strongly agree to be aware of your surroundings... looking around yourself 360 degrees, making eye contact with people near you, as you walk to your car etc. I -certainly- did -not- mean to advocate the meek posture of ...head down, shoulder slumped... "come get me Mr. Bad Man, I'm completely defenseless."

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2001

I read the de Becker book. I thought it was excellent. Yeah, it's about listening to the little voice that says "something's not right here..." Women get so much socialization to be nice, to be helpful. People who want to manipulate or hurt us know that. It's good to be reminded that if we don't feel right about a situation, we should feel able to say no or whatever.

When I rode public transportation in San Francisco, I didn't have any problem saying "Leave me alone" to panhandlers or people who approached me for whatever reason. I don't know where I got it, but I'm glad I had this boundary.

-- Anonymous, July 06, 2001

Beth said: "I find statements like this one: walking outside in the dark by myself as a young female would be just stupid, no matter where i was ... to be really sad. I mean, yeah, there are places where that's true. But there are also places where the odds of your being attacked by a stranger are so small that it really is very sad to live your life afraid to go outside."

Well, it only takes one time, you know?

I walk around in Davis late at night alone a lot of the time, and hardly anyone is ever around and no one's even come near me, but I know theoretically this is a Very Bad Thing for me to do. (Now I'm reminded of your post awhile back about walking around with a vagina.) I don't know of anyone who wouldn't tell you that as a woman you should not be walking around alone at night. Period. But then again, I'm one of those who WAS raised to not do such things, and grew up hearing stories like "You should never take a cab alone because one woman got drunk at a party in SF and took a cab home and the driver raped and murdered her." Hearing things like this freaks. me. out.

And that's why I haven't read any of the Gift of Fear books. I'm already afraid, and I really don't need to know more reasons to be afraid.

-- Anonymous, July 09, 2001

I've never read anything by "de Becker," but I know this topic. I'm female. I'm a manager of a grocery chain. Been doing retail for twelve years. I'm a chick in a boy's club. Once, I was in love with a selfish man, and he expressed himself this one time physically. I know this topic. 1: Meet aggression with aggression right away. He meets you with staring and standing too close? Stare back and don't give way. Go there. Start off with that crap, it let's him know the relationship is confrontational and you will stand no misunderstandings. 2: Do not get angry. Do not placate, but do not get angry. You are in charge. Firm. You have to convince him of this, and you do it by not being angry. 3: Follow up. Say you're going to scream? SCREAM. Say you're going to involve the police? CALL 911 NOW. 4: Charge his ass. The police will get you out of harms way immediately, so you're safe. But stay and charge his ass. It's not over just because it's over, you know? Think about your words, your statement. Be clear. Hang in for a bit, don't rush off to safety. Make a statement, accuse him of a crime. See him in court.

-- Anonymous, July 09, 2001

Jennifer, I'm not urging you to read the de Becker books if you don't want to. But really, they are not scare mongering books. His whole message is that you know more than you think you do, and to trust your instincts because they can keep you safe.

-- Anonymous, July 10, 2001