DENVER, CO-- The National Institute of Vehicle Sociology (NIVS) released a study on Saturday that establishes an "inverse" relationship between vehicle and penis sizes.
Dwight Hawthorn, a man of small stature and endowment, poses next to his new Chevy truck.
Dr. Bruce Johnson, a vehicular sociologist from Stanford, has been analyzing vehicle-to-driver relationships, vehicle purchasing patterns, and automotive self-esteem comparisons since 1998 and was surprised by the results of the study.
"If you had asked me three years ago about the relationship between penis and automobile size, I would have told you that men with large penises drive large vehicles."
"I am shocked to learn that just the opposite is true," stated Dr. Johnson.
According to the study, men with "smaller than average" penises are more likely to purchase larger vehicles in an act of "compensation". It is suggested that these men see their automobiles as a chance to "extend their masculinity" further than what genetics have endowed them.
The study also made mention that men with penises of "average length" or larger had no identifiable vehicle purchasing pattern.
Dr. Johnson intends to extrapolate on his findings. He hopes to establish that aggressive driving patterns, such as tailgating, may also be present in "underdeveloped" drivers.
It should be noted that though this study was only released Saturday, its findings have already been challenged.
Dwight Hawthorn, a local locksmith and Army Reserve Corporal, has stated that "this study is a big load of crap!" According to the Chevrolet Silverado driving Hawthorn, "Only guys with big 'tackers' drive big trucks! Go 'head ask my wife, Shelley. She'll tell you that I got a big pecker! Go on and ask her!"
Dr. Johnson had yet to respond to the comments of Mr. Hawthorn, but expressed interest in him as a potential model for a more "in-depth" future study.
-- Anonymous, June 30, 2001