Again, from Private Eye...shuddering visions...

"When I was at college, I never thought I'd end up affording an orang-utan personal relief by hand every morning," Mohd. Binatang told reporters as they followed him on his daily rounds at the Singapore Zoological Gardens. "And Ah Meng is the worst. He expects to be kissed on the neck first."

In between visits to the various cages, the curator of the zoo's sperm bank explained how he conducts his unusual profession. "We start so early in the morning because a lot of the animals have a 'morning glory' when they wake up, and it's easier to collect the sperm then. Each animal is different. The polar bears finish rather quickly, because they're not used to my warm hands on their cold organs. The chimpanzees always want to be hugged afterwards. The elephant is the most 'teruk' of all, because of the sheer size of its thing. Sometimes I have to use both my arms to tug on it. I feel like the bell ringer in a cathedral, like that Quasimodo or something, except it all ends in a snow scene."

After rubbing massage oil onto his rubber gloves, Binatang briefly disappeared into the orang-utan enclosure, where the resident was lying expectantly on his back, sporting a huge erection. When he emerged, he confessed that "as you might expect, this job is really ruining my sex life. I can't help it. These ejaculating hippos keep floating through my mind."

Lai Jee Seow of Wildlife Reserves Singapore also acknowledged that changes needed to be made to the zoo's semen collection procedures. "It's because the animals have gotten too used to Binatang coming over every morning to help them. Many of them now can't be bothered to engage in real sex." (The Straits Times, 28/5/01. Spotter: John Toplis)

-- Anonymous, June 29, 2001

Answers

Animal Play

-- Anonymous, June 29, 2001

Maybe not the right thread, but ....

"However, players such as Gary Speed, who were involved in international duty after the domestic season finished, won't report on Tuesday because they'd booked their summer holidays before United were admitted to the Intertoto Cup."

Excellent stuff, I hope he's book a week away over Xmas as well. Stuff the job as long as his holiday is okay.

-- Anonymous, June 29, 2001

"Stuff the job as long as his holiday is okay"

Well, that's my own attitude to holidays and work ;-) That must also mean Shay's going to get out of it, while he's away working on his new missus tan.

-- Anonymous, June 29, 2001

I saw Shay's partner on the way home from a match last season. "Match" is the word, tall, blonde, pretty, but very slim

-- Anonymous, June 29, 2001

I drove past the wedding service in Hexham the other day - lots of kids in toon tops hanging around. Apparently Wozza was there, and Rob Lee too.

-- Anonymous, June 29, 2001

Getting back to theme; what could you call this man to insult him ? and wouldn't a bored housewife be more proficient (once you explained that they cannot swallow)?

Sorry, started early today (c:

-- Anonymous, June 29, 2001

Wonder how much Mr. Binatang pulls down in that job? ;-{)

-- Anonymous, June 29, 2001

..... also, I was wondering precisely how they conduct his performance evaluation?

-- Anonymous, June 29, 2001

Wanker !!!!!

Actually BINTANG (minus the extra "a") is a very acceptable local lager, wonder if there is a connection.

I live near the Orang Utan reserve here in Sumatra and it would seem masturbating primates IS a recognised job ............... speaking of "masturbating primates" all together now "peter reid etc. etc. etc.... yes I am bored too on a Saturday morning, but I can look out of my office window and watch the waves of the Indian Ocean washing gently over last night's drunks still asleep on the beach........sort of like Cullercoats without the frostbitten schoolkids

-- Anonymous, June 29, 2001

"I can look out of my office window and watch the waves of the Indian Ocean washing gently over last night's drunks still asleep on the beach"

What a pretty picture that paints :)

-- Anonymous, June 30, 2001