I was cleaning off my old computer and came across this. It still makes me laugh so hard I get tears in my eyes. Sorry guys, but it is so funny.

Calling in Sick....A Cat Owner's Story......... c Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the truth was to humiliating to reveal.

I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown. In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the most pain. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, called out to me from the kitchen. "Ed!" she hearkened. "The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it."

"You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"

"I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" Pause. "C'mon, it'll only take a second."

No logical assurance about how a disposal can't start itself will calm the fears of a person who suffers from "Big-ol-scary-machinephobia," a condition brought on by watching too many Stephen King movies. It is futile to argue or explain, kind of like telling Lloyd Bentsen Americans are over-taxed. And if a poltergeist did, in fact, possess the disposal, and she was ground into round, I'd have to live with that the rest of my life.

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence but it was I who would suffer.

I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. it was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs.

She ("Buttons" aka "the Grater) had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed.

Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step procedure. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome; men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.

Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. My wife told me I should be flattered.

At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?" If they had only known

-- Anonymous, June 27, 2001

Answers

Response to [Humor] Calling in Sick....A Cat Owner's Story (the guys will appreciate this one :))

Ooch!!!!! That would be declawed kitty real quick, if it survived hitting the wall...

-- Anonymous, June 27, 2001

Response to [Humor] Calling in Sick....A Cat Owner's Story (the guys will appreciate this one :))

I know a guy who got, er, "sacked" by a mink while sitting in an outhouse. The incident occured at a radiator repair shop whose sign boasts : "The Best Place To Take A Leak".

-- Anonymous, June 27, 2001

Response to [Humor] Calling in Sick....A Cat Owner's Story (the guys will appreciate this one :))

Oh no, the first think I think of is, I wonder if the wound got infected??? Man, what an embarrassment! Yep, you would have to lie about it, nobody would believe the truth.

-- Anonymous, June 27, 2001

A neighbor's uncle had a similiar experience a number of years ago. Seems the uncle was answering nature's call in the outhouse behind the house. Their rooster happened to be close by, and the outhouse was open in the back to facilitate cleaning out. The rooster spied a treat that was just too tempting, and he grabbed it.

Seeing a grown man with his pants around his ankles chasing a rooster with a stick has to be one of the most memerable events in this neighbor's life.

Seems you never have a shotgun when you need it.

-- Anonymous, June 28, 2001

Carl, I don't see where it says the kitten hit the wall. I hope the overly-endowed master-of-the-house didn't fall on top of it!

Seriously, this story is just another example of why guys should be castrated at a very early age. T'would make it easier on almost everyone.

-- Anonymous, June 28, 2001

And I suppose Brooks, if such a program where to be introduced, you would make it your life's calling?

Your scary....

-- Anonymous, June 28, 2001

Well, if you were to take better care of your toys, these things wouldn't happen, right??

-- Anonymous, June 28, 2001

I'm afraid we have no control over how our cojones hang... they do retract a little in cold water...

Personally, I think the spouse in this situation trained the kitty, probably for some minor trespass...

i.e., typical....

-- Anonymous, June 28, 2001

Y'know, that's not a bad idea if you're pissed at DH. Just sprinkle a little catnip in his shorts. . .

-- Anonymous, June 29, 2001

See what I mean? Only a women would think of training an attack kitty by conditioning them with catnip filled replicas of a man's family jewels... and then dusting hubby's shorts with powdered catnip...

Piss off a man, he'll get in your face; piss off a woman, she'll wait until you least expect it...

-- Anonymous, June 29, 2001

Gosh OG thanks for the great idea. DH has been pissing me off lately and we have a catnip plant we grow just for the kitties.........

-- Anonymous, June 29, 2001

Carl has a good point, Beckie. First make a family jewels replica filled with catnip (a Laura Ashley print would add class) and train the animal, then dust the catnip in hubby's shorts.

How OG's mind works: Think what would have happened if Mr. Sharon Stone was starkers when he visited the komodo. Go on, admit it, you guys are all flinching right now, aren't you? Any time you mention something untoward happening to their goolies, they go all quivery.

-- Anonymous, June 29, 2001

Yes, one of Seinfeld's great cultural contributions, explaining to the world the concept of "shrinkage".

-- Anonymous, June 29, 2001

Brooks, Beckie, I see the first glimmerings of a successful internet business here. You know how they have those cat toys shaped like the vet, the nasty little boy, the stupid dog, etc.? Well, why not OUR specially-designed cat toys? They could come in several sizes--"you're kidding, right?," "regular" and "hoo-boy!" There might even be a bendy one one called a "Bill" and one made out of dollar-printed fabric called a "Roger," and . . .

I'd better stop before I have to delete myself.

-- Anonymous, June 29, 2001

LOL, OG! Hey, I'll design and post the webpage for the product! (snicker)

-- Anonymous, June 29, 2001

Suggested company name: Women With Balls

-- Anonymous, June 29, 2001

Kitty Kojones

-- Anonymous, June 29, 2001

OG, Brooks, Helen, I think this might work. I liked Helen's name for the business. I can see it now, a little video of a little kitty without boxing gloves whapping the family jewels (catnip ones of course) like a boxer.

-- Anonymous, June 29, 2001

Meemur, sorry, I didn't mean to leave you out :)

Do you think we fit the description of "angry white females" that seems to be going around lately???

-- Anonymous, June 29, 2001

Gee, not angry at all. I figure if we sedate them with fudge they won't feel a thing.

-- Anonymous, June 29, 2001

Funny thing is, you probably WOULD sell a lot of 'em... just imagine the look on a hubby or boyfriend's face as te lady of the house tosses kitty it's new toy....

Priceless...

-- Anonymous, June 29, 2001

Specially if she tosses the toy right in hubby or boyfriends lap! ! !

-- Anonymous, June 29, 2001

Carl, that sounds like an opening for a MasterCard commercial. ;^)

-- Anonymous, June 29, 2001

Perhaps we could have a deluxe model that's suspended between two cedar logs. . .

-- Anonymous, June 29, 2001