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ISSUE 2219 Friday 22 June 2001

Curse of the profane parrot By Stewart Payne A FOUL-MOUTHED Royal Navy parrot was locked up when a defence chief visited a warship because officers feared its language would offend him.

But Sunny, an 18-month-old African grey, refused to be gagged and let out a string of expletives from an annexe to the officers' mess. The outburst was clearly audible during a flying visit to the frigate Lancaster by Admiral-in-Chief Alan West. The admiral was reported to be "perplexed" as the parrot fired off catchphrases from The Fast Show television comedy, as well as a few choice swear words.

Sunny, the ship's mascot, also squawked: "Zulus . . . thousands of 'em!" Adml West was conducting a briefing in the officers' mess when Sunny announced its presence with the word "arse", swiftly followed by "bollocks". Its repertoire includes whistling the theme tune to The Great Escape and the cry: "You ain't seen me, right?"

Ratings are believed to have taught the bird to swear during Lancaster's current six-month tour of the Persian Gulf. Usually Sunny lives in a cage in the officers' mess. To be on the safe side, officers have banned her from the mess and nearby areas during future visits by senior officials.

Lt Cdr Peter Lee, engineering officer of the Portsmouth-based ship, said: "Sunny can be particularly foul-mouthed at times. But for her not to be around would be even more of a shock and we would miss her."

-- Anonymous, June 22, 2001

Answers

I gather Adm. West didn't order parrot flambe for dinner.

-- Anonymous, June 22, 2001

I hve a feeling the admiral knew exactly what was going on, having no doubt been forewarned by his flag officer, but chose to feign ignorance so he wouldn't have to do anything--or cause his hosts embarrassment.

Sweetie and I have been laughing about this--I mean, you can imagine:

Parrot, faintly: Arse! Bollocks!

Admiral: I say, George, did you hear something?

Frigate's captain: Hear something? No, sir, can't say I did. Perhaps it's the boiler. I'll get it looked at.

Parrot, faintly: Zulus--thousands of 'em!

Admiral: Are you sure you don't hear anything, George? What about you, Simpson--hear anything?

Simpson: COuld be the plumbing, Sir, makes funny noises sometimes. I'll get it looked at.

Parrot, more clearly this time: You ain't seen me, right?

Admiral, whipping round in the direction of the voice: I beg your pardon, Flag???

One of the many RN friends I made in the early to mid-eighties sent me a postcard after his ship's visit: "I can't say where I am but my parrot is no longer pining." Monty Python afficionados will understand.

We Brits love our parrots. Recently found a great pair of brightly-colored parrot earrings at Granny's junk shop for a buck--a bit young for me but still fun. Screw the neighbors.

-- Anonymous, June 22, 2001