More money? Less work? An assistant? Better coworkers? Free coffee? Donuts? A personal masseuse on call?

I told you what I need: boys. Just one or two, preferably a little unkempt because I like that sort of thing. The time two summers ago when they were putting a new roof on the house outside my office window? Best two weeks I've ever had at my current job. Those roofers don't wear shirts, you know.

What would make your Mondays better?

-- Anonymous, June 18, 2001

Answers

I never thought of it that way but I second Beth. More boys in the workplace. I also (ick) work in a law firm and they are all my age or older and married. But even worse they are all boring. Except for the summer when we hire the law clerks. And we have three really cute, really young ones this year Beth. Rosy cheeks and all.

-- Anonymous, June 18, 2001

Man. We never hire summer law clerks. What a good idea. We sometimes have law students who work as paralegals all year long, but they're always female. In fact, they've only hired one man in any capacity in the seven years I've been there, and he quit after a few weeks. It's just a very girly office, I guess.

-- Anonymous, June 18, 2001

This objectification has got to stop, y'all. I mean really.

~

Work perks? Sun. I've got a sweet little view (affording a view of DC's finest young women, in all their summer dress glory), but the sun never quite creeps into the office. Maybe I can get them to affix a reflector to the building across the way.

-- Anonymous, June 18, 2001

Right now, I'd settle for air conditioning that actually works. It's about 85 degrees in my office. We're hermetically sealed, so I can't open a window. It's a bad sign when you have to go outside to cool off.

Long term, I'd like a little appreciation and recognition. I don't mind a lot of work. I don't mind that I don't make a lot of money. I mind that TPTB never seem to say thanks for a job well done.

-- Anonymous, June 18, 2001

I could go with less airconditioning. I am shaking-cold. And sneezing and coughing and sniffling with The Flu of Death, so I am not a pretty sight, not at all.

Making work better? Co-workers I actually had something in common with - I mean, besides all of us having all our limbs, and most of our teeth.

But something that the company could actually give me? A desk by the window. Don't even need an office. Just a desk that isn't surrounding by big gray breath-choking walls, with maybe a view of something or other. I don't understand cubicles. I just don't. I don't understand the point, the underlying philosophy, the means from which the powers that were got from point A ("Where do we put them?") to point C ("In big plastic boxes!"), while bypassing B altogether ("Wonder what they think?").

So. People that suck less, and aren't from Jersey. No more cube farms. And donuts! That's all I really want.

-- Anonymous, June 18, 2001

I'd like a window that I could open right near my desk. Natural light and fresh air would do wonders for my attitude.

I wish that I was paid by the task rather than by the hour. I would much rather go home than be reduced to dusting my filing cabinets yet again once I've finished up everything that needs to get done for the day.

-- Anonymous, June 18, 2001

More freakin' money. Another seventy thousand or so a year and forget about burying my head in a cubicle, I'd bury my head up my ass all day if they wanted me to. I'm all about early retirement. Well, early retirement and a good strong facial cleanser.

-- Anonymous, June 18, 2001

i have to go with the less air conditioning option. i don't know why they crank it up like they do in offices. i imagine it's to keep us all more alert and less sleepy, but frankly, it really just makes me pee a lot and shudder. and i think that's a lot less productive than just taking the occasional nap.

there are no boys in my office either, by the way. it's sad because i just left a job full of boys and now there's none. i hadn't accounted for the motivating power of the office crush, e.g. "i don't really feel like copying this document but i know i should... oh but what if [insert name] is by the copy machine? and he's wearing that [insert clothing] that i like so much. sweet!"

-- Anonymous, June 18, 2001

If my work computer wasn't connected to the internet. Oh, so much better.

-- Anonymous, June 18, 2001

Oh more money is a given, isn't it? The real biggie would be an office of my own - I share with a woman who supports a whole different team so I not only have all of MY guys trooping into my tiny cramped office, but all of hers too. And all of hers seem incapable of getting back to her desk without first engaging in stupid conversations with me (or with my back if I'm not feeling inclined to stop what I'm doing just to be polite to bypassers).

We could both each easily fill an office ourselves with the assorted junk our teams dump on us everyday, so I have solid practical reasons for wanting more space that isn't being shared. But I'll confess that the fact that *she's* got the side that near the window *and* is also the side with more privacy no doubt makes my disatisfaction higher than hers.

Oh - and add me to the lowered AC wishlist. I know for a fact that if it was this cold in here in the winter, they'd be blasting the heat full-force.

-- Anonymous, June 18, 2001

I can't complain about my office - I've got a window and share a nice big room. Sometimes it's too cold in here but they're going to turn up the thermostats to save energy, which we are all delighted to hear.

But my co-workers could use some spicing up. I love my boss, and I like the other two people in my group, but...I really miss working with gay men. Everybody here is my age or older (40s) and many of them drive minivans or SUVs and have kids. boring. I want to hear catty gossip and stories of going out dancing, not about preschools. Straight boys would be okay if they were good looking, but really I have more fun with gay boys. We already have a lot of lesbians, for some reason, and they all have kids and drive minivans too.

actually, just getting more co-workers would be great. There's a hiring freeze on and we don't have enough staff to get anything done.

-- Anonymous, June 18, 2001

i have to go with the less air conditioning option. i don't know why they crank it up like they do in offices.

I'll answer this but you hafta promise not to get mad. It's all about the nipples baby. All about the nipples.

I'd never thought about the office crush thing and its effect on productivity, but I do think you may be on to something with that.

-- Anonymous, June 18, 2001

Less travel is my biggest work-related gripe. And my own personal SE. Or two of them. Boys make good SEs, but really, I prefer a female SE because then we can go shopping when we have to travel. Boys rarely like to go look at shoes after some big gig.

-- Anonymous, June 18, 2001

Hmmm, I wonder what the reaction would be if I wrote this same piece about wanting female eye-candy in my office.

We just hired a fourth person for my team, which a year ago was only two people. We work in what used to be a storage closet, so we have no windows, not even windows down the hall that might let sunlight shine near our doorway. We had to redo the office to accommodate our fourth person and Tim and I came up with a great floorplan. It involved:

• A moat
• A foosball table
• A mini-bar
• Hammocks

Unfortunately, our plan was not approved.

I think actually the best thing they could do at my job is have a 9-5 workday. Remember when people used to work 9-5, not 8-5 or 9-6? How did we let the bosses throw an extra hour on us?

But seriously, getting to start at 9 or 10 instead of having to be in at 7 or 8 would be a HUGE benefit.

-- Anonymous, June 18, 2001

But the nipples thing backfires, man, when everyone starts bringing in big wooly grandma sweaters that go down to our knees and cover everything up. We're all potato-shaped here, when the ac's cranked to max.

And work crushes ruin me for all time. I get nothing done at all. At all. I spend the whole time writing clever emails back and forth (hoping my mind will counteract my potato shape) and not writing the proposal that was due two hours ago.

-- Anonymous, June 18, 2001

What is it with you people and sunlight? I'm *finally* getting a windowless office in our new building. If I'm really lucky they'll let me hang my track lights, but if not I'll make do with my halogen floor lamps. Sun is evil. Ick.

Secondly, I have no problem with the amount I'm being paid even though it is a damn sight less than it should be when compared with the median wage for our area of the country. I would, however, love to be able to set my own hours. I'd gladly work a 50 (or even 60) hour week if I didn't have to structure my time around an 8-5 work day. I mean, there are days when I am awake and ready to go in by 7am. Other days noon is too early. My body is not a machine, quit trying to make it work like one.

Overall, I'm pretty happy with my job. Given the current circumstances in the tech industry, I'm happy to *have* a job.

-- Anonymous, June 18, 2001

Sun=life, etc. You know, the little things that count.

-- Anonymous, June 18, 2001

I'd like my bosses to stop griping about the employees. I'd like to have someone make comments on my work using some of the basic management technicques I was taught when I was 22 and starting management training. Y'know, "This was a really good effort, but I made some changes because . . . And I really liked what you did with . . ." It ain't rocket science to be decent to your employees. Oh, and as an added bonus, you don't have to go to hell when you die.

-- Anonymous, June 18, 2001

10. Starbuck's delivered at 9. Jamba's at 10:30. Spago's at noon. Mrs. Field's at 3.

9. 9 to 5, lunch on the employer, and my whole paycheck, employer picks up the tax.

8. Trapdoors that automatically open and swallows -anyone- who uses "catch words." Synergize this, you yuppie puke.

7. NO FUCKING MAC'S. YOU HEAR ME?!?! PC's ONLY!!!

6. Stick detector at the door. There's an epidemic of sticks up people's butt's around here.

5. My own office.....with adjustable thermostat.....and leather lounge chair...and Gretchen, my personal assistant/foot rubber.

4. More boys, more girls, whatever. Just less pissed-off senior citizens who clearly switched the Crest for the Preparation-H this morning.

3. Desks that are really the sit-down Ms. PacMan arcade table that was so prevelant at Godfather's Pizza circa 1988.

2. If the boss goes home, we all go home. If the boss takes a 3 hour lunch, we all take a 3 hour lunch. etc. etc.

1. Not having to come in. Ever.

-- Anonymous, June 18, 2001

More women. And I don't mean that in the same sense that Beth meant boys, or not entirely anyway. My part of our operation is all male, and it's the sort of work that could benefit from other perspectives.

-- Anonymous, June 18, 2001

I think I'm the only respondant so far that doesn't work in an office. There are a few things I'd like to happen at the cafe to make work more enjoyable. First of all, I'd like my co-workers to be more competent, more enthusiastic and fussier about how they do their job. I'd also like these co-workers to not all be close friends of the boss so that they'd listen to me when I ask them to do things. Even when the boss is on holidays and I'm in charge, nobody ever listens to me so I end up cleaning the fridge myself, wiping down all the tables and vacuuming. I'm in charge, dammit! I shouldn't have to do the shitty jobs. I'm so over doing my job and half of everybody elses.

Other than that, my work life is pretty good. The one thing I'd do is move the entire place to a new neighbourhood, with less whiny retirees and more young people.

-- Anonymous, June 18, 2001

I'd like:

A research partner who doesn't wear hair gel that smells like vomit and never uses the word "basically". An end to her vegetarian bean dip farts. Dang, those are nasty.

Basically, a research partner who doesn't stink would be fine.

-- Anonymous, June 19, 2001

Well, it looks like I can't really complain about much here. I have my own office, in the corner, with windows (4) that open on two sides of the building. I share the thermostat with three (3) people, and no one complains much if someone moves it to their own comfort level occasionally. I come in pretty much when I feel like it and leave when I need to - I think I've been in the office maaaybe 40 hours in the last two and a half weeks (see other thread re: buying a home in seven weeks) and have done the rest of my work from home in middle of the night. I can buy my own snacks and drinks (no machines here) and expense the cost (within reason, of course).

But there's always something to make work better. I'm already paid pretty darned well, I think (though I wouldn't say no to more money, obviously). Tuition reimbursement would be nice, but I could probably get that if I actually asked for it. (Stupid much, me?)

So, yeah. Boys would be good. We only have two, one (the boss) married (to the other boss) and the other very taken. Also, a door. I love my office with its loverly peaceful green walls and all, but sometimes a door would be nice. Especially when you're on the phone with a client and your coworkers are arguing about the obscene lyrics in some song or another. By shouting guesses across the office.

-- Anonymous, June 19, 2001

Love the foosball table (I suck, but I love playing anyway) we have, HATE the Quake Arena server. Thank fuck they only turn it on between noon and 2PM and again after 5.

My work life would be better if we could hold more meetings down the pub.

-- Anonymous, June 19, 2001

A job would be nice. But based on my last one, I guess I would say, a room with windows that open, curtains or blinds to keep the sun glare from blinding me. Air is good. I don't mean Air conditioning, either. No photocopier in the room. High-speed Internet connection. An espresso machine, failing that, a Starbucks cafe in the building. Better pay. I'm sick of living paycheck to paycheck. Well, I guess I'm not anymore. Where I worked, there was only one guy. He wasn't outgoing, stayed in his room, loved bodybuilding women. Male eye candy would be nice. But not jerks, ok? Ok.

-- Anonymous, June 19, 2001

I think I work in the polar opposite of Beth's office.

All we have here is boys. It's Boy Central around here. All boy, all the time. How can you spot the tech writers? Look for more than one woman. Women are tech writers or admins and some of the less sensitive boys have trouble differentiating between the two.

They're not cute boys. They're techie geek boys. Well, okay, a few of them do tend to brighten the general decor. But mostly they're engineering boys, programming boys, need I say more?

We have foosball. We have toys and footballs and things that get flung around the office regularly. We have donuts nearly every morning. We have sofas and I suspect some people sleep on them during crunch periods. We have a basketball court. We have beer on Friday afternoons.

I don't mind much -- I like some of it. But what I would really like at work, what would make my life so much better, would be an office with a door that shuts. Or even a cubicle with high walls. An open workspace is no place for the woman who's a slacker at heart. My rush-and-rest work techniques are laid bare for everyone to notice. Bleah.

-- Anonymous, June 19, 2001

That last sentence (rush-and-rest slacker technique) jarred a memory loose from my adolescent christian upbringing - I remember a sunday school lesson centered on abstinence that was titled - get this - Russian hands and Roman fingers!

-- Anonymous, June 19, 2001

yeah, I have the same work environment as Jette: Plenty of boys. Perhaps too many boys. Uninteresting geeky boys. Hence my desire for fun gay men.

-- Anonymous, June 19, 2001

Has anyone else read Douglas Coupland's book Generation X? Excellent. He's a cynical and somewhat of an absurdist, but it all rings true.

Anyway. In his book he refers to office cubicles as "Veal fattening pens."

I'm sitting in my veal-fattening pen right now, in fact.

And I would like it if my veal-fattening pen had a window and its very own coffeemaker. That's about all. Work is pretty good, actually.

-- Anonymous, June 19, 2001

I need a lackey. An invisible one, with a direct link to my brain so I would know what menial tasks he/she/it accomplished, without actually having to do them.

Ahh, the joys of freelance/self-employed life. Nobody to bug me. On the other hand, nobody else to do the stuff that bugs me. Also, my boss is a bitch.

m

-- Anonymous, June 20, 2001

I know what I also need! I need a full-time love-person. Someone who sits on the file cabinet behind me and murmurs encouraging things to me, stands behind my chair now and again and rubs my shoulders and strokes my hair, and cuddles me and places tender kisses on my temples when I decide that I hate Group Universal Life Insurance maximums. Rf.

-- Anonymous, June 20, 2001

Being able to make my own hours, and/or telecommute. I work very hard when there is a lot to do, and I would like to slack and websurf in the comfort of my own home when there is not. I could quite happily and productively work from home quite a lot of the time, early in the morning when my brain works best and away from the chit- chat, phone calls, instant messaging, gossip mongering and relentless socializing that goes on at work. I'd probably get a lot more done.

I don't want to miss out on it completely, though. Two days in, three days working from home would be just about perfect.

-- Anonymous, June 20, 2001

I'm with you, Viv -- I think I could benefit quite a bit from being able to telecommute, at least part of the week. So much of what I do (write, mostly; that, plus translating and editing) is solitary -- what difference does it make if I sit here, alone in my corner, in the office, or at home...?

It DOES make a difference, I know; employers get edgy when they think you might be "pulling one on them." Also, there's coworker attitudes to consider -- if somebody I work with here were to start working from home on a regular basis, and then if I were to ask to be allowed to do it too, and they said NO...well, I'd be ticked. Angry, actually. So there's that to consider, too.

-- Anonymous, June 20, 2001

I have the office atmosphere that would make Beth drool -- I am surrounded by boys. Working in the military is like that. The best part? They rotate every 2 years to new assignments, so when you get tossed one who you don't like, you only have to deal with them for 24 months. Oh, and the fact that they tend to come here right out of law school -- so we're talking about actual BOYS.

The one thing I would love at work? Control of my own environment. It's too hot in the winter, and too cold in the summer, unless it's Monday (cause the building managers turn the heat/AC down over the weekends).

-- Anonymous, June 20, 2001

Actually, although I don't use it, I know I'm very lucky to work at a place that is perfectly fine with telecommuting. One of the members of my group has just moved to another state with her family and works from there. We're technical writers, but some of the developers we work with telecommute too. Other live here but only come in a couple of days a week.

(It just isn't for me - I'd get lonely at home, and would goof off even more than I do now.)

-- Anonymous, June 20, 2001

I am a librarian and what I want are some cool, pop-culture aware co-workers. I have mostly lefty colleagues and cool colleagues and young colleagues. But I don't have the type of creative people who are willing to go do something on a dare, for instance. I guess they are all working at .coms or live in a cooler urban area.

and we totally have a dearth of cute boys. The undergrads are kind of cute. Maybe one or two of the american studies grad students. that's about it. The systems office is totally devoid of cute boys. Lots of cute girl librarians though! That helps.

All that and better coffee closer to my office.

-- Anonymous, June 21, 2001