Today's Stock Market Report

Helium was up.

Feathers were down. Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

Knives were up sharply.

Cows steered into a bull market.

Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading. Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom.

Diapers remain unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.

Coca Cola fizzled. Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday. Balloon prices were inflated.

And, Scott Tissue touched a new bottom

-- Anonymous, June 10, 2001

Answers

I think this explains why I'm in mutual funds instead.

-- Anonymous, June 11, 2001

LOL, you should post this over at Maher's :)

-- Anonymous, June 11, 2001

[snort!] I did! Thanks for the suggestion!

-- Anonymous, June 11, 2001

LOL, good one! I especially liked the last one.

-- Anonymous, June 11, 2001