I Am Set for Life By ANDY BOROWITZ

Like most Americans, I've had my share of hard knocks, but that's all about to change. Yes, my ship has finally come in. According to the tax plan that Congress just passed, my family is going to receive a tax rebate of $600.

No, your eyes aren't playing tricks on you. My tax rebate isn't worth $6, or $60, it's worth 600, count 'em, $600. And if that's not enough to turn a guy's life around, I don't know what is.

I should probably put this windfall into perspective. As long as I can remember, I've had big hopes and big dreams, but one thing always stood in my way: $600.

I can still remember the night I asked my high school sweetheart to marry me. We'd been inseparable for four years running, and I couldn't imagine a future that didn't include the two of us together — but she, apparently, felt differently. "You're awfully sweet," she said, her voice tinged with regret. "But the man I marry will have to have $600 in his savings account." All I could do was shuffle self-consciously out of her house, bidding the love of my life goodbye, forever.

Some years later, I had a beer with an old neighborhood friend, Billy Gates, who was starting a software company and looking for investors. "I'm in," I said.

"Awesome," Billy said. "All I'm asking of our investors is that they put in at least $600. That won't be a problem for you, will it?"

I'd rather not dwell on how my life might have changed if I'd only had $600 at the time. Suffice it to say that I dedicated the rest of my life to amassing $600, even if I had to step on a few toes to get it.

Obsessed as I was, some years later I did something I thought I'd never do: I bought a lottery ticket. As I awaited the results on television, I could hardly believe my eyes: I had won $500. Undeniably a bonanza, but well short of the number that would make me, in a conventional sense, "set."

Given this history, it's understandable that ever since I found out that a whopping $600 check was coming my way, I've been more or less pinching myself nonstop.

What will I do with it all? Buy a wardrobe of Italian suits, or a fleet of fancy cars, or a house for my mom? Perhaps I can take my family to see "The Producers." It's hard to say, but one thing's for sure: I intend to give some of it back to the government, in the form of a rebate-rebate. Something tells me that one of these days Washington is going to need the money more than I will.

Andy Borowitz writes a humor column, The Borowitz Report, for Newsweek.com.

Nick ran across this and thought you might enjoy it.I'd like to see any family under at least $50,000 pay NO TAX AT ALL. That would be a start to tax reform.

-- Anonymous, June 07, 2001

Answers

Hey I thought I might get 300 to buy some telephone line but alas Barb informed me I needed to earn something before they give you something back! Drat foiled again!

I also read that its one of the most compicated tax cuts in history so the biggest winner is gonna be accountants.....kirk

-- Anonymous, June 07, 2001

Thanks for that, Sharon. Isn't it amazing how far $600.00 will go??!! It will go lots farther for the RICH. Yep...the Bushwacker strikes again!!

-- Anonymous, June 07, 2001

$600.00 will buy allot of donuts from the day-old bread store! At 6 packages for $1.00, that's 3600 packages of donuts. I need a bigger freezer.

-- Anonymous, June 07, 2001

part of my rebate will go to the state because in Louisiana we are taxed according to our federal tax liability, so if we get something from uncle sam, then big daddy in Louisiana takes his cut. Murphies #$%&ing law.

Namaste,

-- Anonymous, June 08, 2001

Yeah, I'm gonna buy a politician to put in my pocket with $600.

Bread and circuses.

Sheesh.

-- Anonymous, June 08, 2001

Murphy's Law? I always liked O'Reilly's Law -- it states:

"Murphy was an Optimist"

-- Anonymous, June 09, 2001

Some people I know are thinking of sending their rebate to the Florida State Democratic Party to help unseat Shrub's brother...

-- Anonymous, June 11, 2001

Mr. S. has been planning to send his rebate to the party of his choice (not sure if he's still Green or heading over to the Dems) for similar reasons. He has never really commented to me about voting for Nader last year. I wonder if he feels guilty for electing Bush (just being obnoxious, don't mind me!) It would be interesting to see how much money could be raised if a lot of folks did that...or even a portion of their refund. Maybe I'll do it, too.

-- Anonymous, June 11, 2001

I was going to send mine off to the conservancy groups blocking the Arctic Wildlife Refuge drilling.

-- Anonymous, June 11, 2001

Yeah, Julie, that's good. I was trying to think what would be the best thing to do with it (I'm sure it will be a HUGE amount -- NOT). I think you've got the right idea.

-- Anonymous, June 11, 2001

Oh Sheepish, you can tell Mr. that he neednt feel at all bad about votin for Mr Nader......he voted his heart and soul, I'll betcha, same as the rest of us...

And tell him so did I! And am feelin no pain, no regrets whatsoever.........as frightening as Georgie is, I still aint so sure Al was all that much better. Behold the fact that with all the power he could conjure up, considerin he got over half the consarn vote, we have heard VIRTUALLY NOTHING FROM HIM SINCE HE LOST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There are a million issues he could be puttin his energy and influence in, right here and now, and we got nothin....

And although I get infrequent emails from the Nader folks, I don't hear anything in the media from Ralphy either??

Where are the real people? Perhaps they never were.......

I'm havin a bad fight with my candida self tonite.....w a n t i c e c r e a m r e a l b a d ............. I think its winning.........help............

-- Anonymous, June 11, 2001

I don't get over there too often, EM, but Michael Moore's forum is rife with Nader supporters. Sometime in the last month, someone was posting about "where is Nader" -- complaining about how he's never heard from. The responses were interesting -- basically, that he's out there, just not getting any reports of his activities. The media tried hard to ignore a LOT of what Nader was doing pre-election.

-- Anonymous, June 11, 2001

Seeing my rebate will be believing it !! I'm sure something will come up and the money won't show. No....not negative and sure would love to have an extra $600 bucks in my pocket about now. Hope we all get it !! I'll be checking the mail box !!

-- Anonymous, June 23, 2001