A little insanity...

greenspun.com : LUSENET : Unk's Wild Wild West : One Thread

Oh gawd, I've been way too serious lately, and I need a break...

(Caution to the uninitiated: To fully appreciate this, I think you'd really have to have seen the Monty Python sketch; but hey...maybe you've got that special feel for these things...:))

The Spam Sketch

The cast:

MAN: Eric Idle

WIFE: Graham Chapman

WAITRESS: Terry Jones

The sketch:

Scene: A cafe. One table is occupied by a group of Vikings with horned helmets on. A man and his wife enter.

Man: You sit here, dear.

Wife: All right.

Man: (to Waitress) Morning!

Waitress: Morning!

Man: Well, what've you got?

Waitress: Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg bacon and spam; egg bacon sausage and spam; spam bacon sausage and spam; spam egg spam spam bacon and spam; spam sausage spam spam bacon spam tomato and spam;

Vikings: (starting to chant) Spam spam spam spam...

Waitress: ...spam spam spam egg and spam; spam spam spam spam spam spam baked beans spam spam spam...

Vikings: (singing) Spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam!

Waitress: ...or Lobster Thermidor au Crevettes with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam.

Wife: Have you got anything without spam?

Waitress: Well, there's spam egg sausage and spam, that's not got much spam in it.

Wife: I don't want ANY spam!

Man: Why can't she have egg bacon spam and sausage?

Wife: THAT'S got spam in it!

Man: Hasn't got as much spam in it as spam egg sausage and spam, has it?

Vikings: Spam spam spam spam (crescendo through next few lines)

Wife: Could you do the egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam then?

Waitress: Urgghh!

Wife: What do you mean 'Urgghh'? I don't like spam!

Vikings: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!

Waitress: Shut up!

Vikings: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!

Waitress: Shut up! (Vikings stop) Bloody Vikings! You can't have egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam.

Wife: (shrieks) I don't like spam!

Man: Sshh, dear, don't cause a fuss. I'll have your spam. I love it. I'm having spam spam spam spam spam spam spam beaked beans spam spam spam and spam!

Vikings: (singing) Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!

Waitress: Shut up!! Baked beans are off.

Man: Well could I have her spam instead of the baked beans then?

Waitress: You mean spam spam spam spam spam spam... (but it is too late and the Vikings drown her words)

Vikings: (singing elaborately) Spam, spam, spam, spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spaaam! Lovely spam! Wonderful spam. Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am! Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am! Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am! Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am! Lovely spam! (Lovely spam!) Lovely spam! (Lovely spam!) Lovely spaaam! Spam, spam, spam, spaaaaam!

-- Eve (eve_rebekah@yahoo.com), May 30, 2001

Answers

Do you remember before Monty Python," Beyond The Fringe" same cast members with the inclusion of Dudley Moore? (I'm dating myself here)

-- Marg (okay@cutaway.com), May 30, 2001.

Couldn't find a date, so you are dating yourself?

-- What is that supposed to mean? (stranger@than.fiction), May 30, 2001.

I think you should date yourself as many times a day as possible

-- (dayum@gina.), May 30, 2001.

What, What?

-- David L (bumpkin@dnet.net), May 30, 2001.

I know the piece Eve, thank you, you made me laugh like the 15 yr.old I once was. Spam,spam,spam,spaaam! You helped me remember not to ponder on things I've found absured. Just growing up or out or in or down or level is a lot of work. I get sick of seriousness too sometimes.

I adore,"run away! run away!", instead of, "retreat!"

-- doesitmatter (456@123.com), May 31, 2001.



Dang,

Where is Rich when ya need him for a snappy Python reply? The only thing I can think of is, "For a farthing I will!"

-- Aunt Bee (Aunt__Bee@hotmail.com), May 31, 2001.


Marg, no I haven't heard of that one. Any quotes, perchance?

"doesitmatter", you're welcome -- glad I could be of service.:)

Well, why stop at this? If y'all remember this next one, you can sing along -- just close the door at work (if ya have one), 'cause you may want to get up on the desk, too...

'The Money Programme'

As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 29

The cast:

PRESENTER: Eric Idle

The sketch:

(Begins with pictures of money, bank vaults, gold, etc. overwritten by 'THE MONEY PROGRAMME'. Eric Idle sits at a desk between Michael Palin and John Cleese. He begins quietly but becomes increasingly agitated as he speaks.)

PRESENTER: Good evening, and welcome to The Money Programme. Tonight on The Money Programme, we're going to look at money. Lots of it. On film, and in the studio. Some of it in nice piles, others in lovely clanky bits of loose change. Some of it neatly counted into fat little hundreds, delicate fivers stuffed into bulging wallets, nice crisp clean checks, pert pieces of copper coinage thrust deep into trouser pockets, romantic foreign money rolling against the thigh with rough familiarity, beautiful wayward curlicued banknotes, filigreed copper plating cheek by jowl and rubbing gently against the terse leather of beautifully balanced bank books!

(He looks around in surprised realization that he's panting and screaming.)

I'm sorry.

(adjusts tie, darts eyes around room)

But I love money. All money. (growing excited again) I've always wanted money. To handle! To touch! The smell of the rain-washed florin! The lure of the lira! The glitter and the glory of the guinea! (stands up)

The romance of the ruble! (stands on chair) The feel of the franc! (stands on desk) The heel of the deutschmark! (stomps foot) The cold antiseptic sting of the Swiss franc! And the sunburnt splendor of the Australian dollar! (slaps knee)

(sings the rest while dancing across desk; Michael and John just look at him blandly.)

PRESENTER: I've got ninety thousand pounds in my pyjamas.

I've got forty thousand French francs in my fridge.

I've got lots of lovely lire.

Now the Deutschmark's getting dearer,

And my dollar bills would buy the Brooklyn Bridge.

PRESENTER and CHORUS:

There is nothing quite as wonderful as money.

There is nothing quite as beautiful as cash.

Some people say it's folly,

But I'd rather have the lolly.

With money you can make a splash.

PRESENTER: There is nothing quite as wonderful as money.

CHORUS: ...Money, money, money, money.

PRESENTER: There is nothing like a newly minted pound.

CHORUS: ...Money, money, money, money.

PRESENTER and CHORUS: Everyone must hanker

For the butchness of a banker.

It's accountancy that makes the world go 'round.

CHORUS: 'Round, 'round, 'round.

PRESENTER: You can keep your Marxist ways,

For it's only just a phase,

For it's money, money, money makes the world go 'round.

CHORUS: ...Money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, moneeeeey!

-- Eve (eve_rebekah@yahoo.com), May 31, 2001.


And now -- this just in...

Presenter (Michael Palin):

In Nova Scotia today, Mr Roy Bent of North Walsham in Norfolk became the first man to cross the Atlantic on a tricycle. His tricycle, specially adapted for the crossing, was ninety feet long, with a protective steel hull, three funnels, seventeen first-class cabins and a radar scanner.

-- Eve (eve_rebekah@yahoo.com), May 31, 2001.


Sorry Eve, no. I visit England every few years and my friends had records of "Beyond the Fringe" . It was a radio program. Very funny. Skits were "Man has nose transplant with elephant's trunk" and interview with patient following surgery, A bomb dropping in WWII london with play by play announcements. Very funny. John Cleese, Eric Idle and Dudley Moore were the charter members.Dudley used his piano playing as a prop.

Somehow with no visuals they were even funnier than Python. It was a different type of comedy. Off the wall but you had to create pictures in your mind of what they were doing. Probably much like our earlier radio shows before TV. If you ever have a chance to listen to one of their albums, don't pass it up..Sounds like you would definetly appreciate it............immensely.

-- Marg (okay@cutaway.com), May 31, 2001.


Eve, here's one of their skits. They started out in the theatre.Tho't the tarzan skit would be appreciated...........

I doubt very much if Paul ever had as much trouble at an audition as Mr Spiggott, a one-legged man auditioning for the role of Tarzan. If you're anything like us then the phrase 'one-legged man' conjures up certain images - an artificial limb maybe, perhaps a wheelchair, at the very least a pair of crutches. Dudley Moore had none of these things and spent the entire sketch hopping on his solitary limb. Bouncing backwards and forwards and from side to side, while delivering his lines completely deadpan. And he had his hands in the pockets of his raincoat throughout. No arms out for balance. How he managed to do this without falling over we'll never know. Cook: Well, Mr Spiggott, need I point out to you where your deficiency lies as regards landing the role? Moore: Yes, I think you ought to. Cook: Need I say without overmuch emphasis that it is in the leg division that you are deficient. Moore: The leg division? Cook: Yes, the leg division Mr Spiggott. You are deficient in it to the tune of one. Your right leg I like. I like your right leg. A lovely leg for the role. That's what I said when I saw you come in. I said, 'A lovely leg for the role.' I've got nothing against your right leg. The trouble is - neither have you. You fall down on your left. Moore: You mean it's inadequate? Cook: Yes, it's inadequate, Mr Spiggott. And to my mind the British public is just not ready for the sight of a one-legged ape man swinging through the jungle tendrils.

-- Marg (okay@cutaway.com), May 31, 2001.



Good one, Marg. Thanks for sharing that stuff. I'll have to find a website on 'em, now...:)

Anyway, just for you, Marg, another singalong, with the "Camelot" scene from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"...

[clop clop clop]

SIR BEDEVERE: And that, my liege, is how we know the earth to be banana-shaped.

ARTHUR: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.

BEDEVERE: Oh, certainly, sir.

SIR LAUNCELOT: Look, my liege! [trumpets]

ARTHUR: Camelot!

SIR GALAHAD: Camelot!

LAUNCELOT: Camelot!

PATSY: It's only a model.

ARTHUR: Shh! Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us ride... to... Camelot!

[in medieval hall]

KNIGHTS: [singing]

We're Knights of the Round Table.

We dance whene'er we're able.

We do routines and chorus scenes

With footwork impeccable.

We dine well here in Camelot.

We eat ham and jam and spam a lot.

[dancing]

We're Knights of the Round Table.

Our shows are formidable,

But many times we're given rhymes

That are quite unsingable.

We're opera mad in Camelot.

We sing from the diaphragm a lot.

[in dungeon]

PRISONER: [clap clap clap clap]

[in medieval hall]

KNIGHTS: [tap-dancing]

In war we're tough and able,

Quite indefatigable.

Between our quests we sequin vests and impersonate Clark Gable.

It's a busy life in Camelot.

MAN: I have to push the pram a lot.

[outdoors] ARTHUR: Well, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place.

-- Eve (eve_rebekah@yahoo.com), May 31, 2001.


Doncha just love English humour? Thanks , eEve. I remember that episode well. Have you caught any of the "Black Adder" episodes on PBS?

-- Marg (okay@cutaway.com), May 31, 2001.

"Doncha just love English humour? Have you caught any of the "Black Adder" episodes on PBS?"

Eve- I bet you weren't expecting the Spanish Inquisition.

-- CD (costavike@hotmail.com), May 31, 2001.


Eve, we showed Monty Python and the Holy Grail to the kids last night. It was gratifying to see them laugh so hard. I had forgotten about the castle full of young women, though...

-- helen (n@m.k), May 31, 2001.

Marg, I haven't seen "Black Adder" but isn't that Rowan Atkinson? I LOVED him as Mr. Bean! Have you seen Mr. Bean?

Helen, the Holy Grail has been in my personal top 3 or 4 comedies of all time since 1974! I think my favorite part is the obnoxious French guy on the castle (played by John Cleese). I know practically every word he's gonna say, and each time he comes on, I just lose it right away. :)

Hey, CD -- how ya doin'? I'm just -- oh no! Why, it's -- it's.......

The Spanish Inquisition

As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 15

The cast:

MAN: Graham Chapman

WOMAN: Carol Cleveland

CARDINAL XIMINEZ: Michael Palin

CARDINAL BIGGLES: Terry Jones

CARDINAL FANG: Terry Gillam

The sketch:

Man: Trouble at mill.

Woman: Oh no - what kind of trouble?

Man: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treddle.

Woman: Pardon?

Man: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treddle.

Woman: I don't understand what you're saying.

Man: (slightly irritatedly and with exaggeratedly clear accent) One of the cross beams has gone out askew on the treddle.

Woman: Well what on earth does that mean?

Man: *I* don't know - Mr Wentworth just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the mill, that's all - I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

(JARRING CHORD - The door flies open and Cardinal Ximinez of Spain enters, flanked by two junior cardinals. Cardinal Biggles has goggles pushed over his forehead. Cardinal Fang is just Cardinal Fang)

Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is suprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our *four*...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again. (Exit and exeunt)

Man: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

(JARRING CHORD - The cardinals burst in)

Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn! (To Cardinal Biggles) I can't say it - you'll have to say it.

Biggles: What?

Ximinez: You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are ...'

Biggles: (rather horrified) I couldn't do that...

(Ximinez bundles the cardinals outside again)

Man: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

(JARRING CHORD - The cardinals enter)

Biggles: Er.... Nobody...um....

Ximinez: Expects...

Biggles: Expects... Nobody expects the...um...the Spanish...um...

Ximinez: Inquisition.

Biggles: I know, I know! Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. In fact, those who do expect -

Ximinez: Our chief weapons are...

Biggles: Our chief weapons are...um...er...

Ximinez: Surprise...

Biggles: Surprise and --

Ximinez: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah! ...our chief weapons are surprise...blah blah blah. Cardinal, read the charges.

Fang: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against the Holy Church. 'My old man said follow the--'

Biggles: That's enough. (To woman) Now, how do you plead?

Woman: We're innocent.

Ximinez: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! (Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER')

Biggles: We'll soon change your mind about that! (Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL ACTING')

Ximinez: Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless-- (controls himself with a supreme effort) Ooooh! Now, Cardinal -- the rack!

(Biggles produces a plastic-coated dish-drying rack. Ximinez looks at it and clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums heavily to cover his anger)

Ximinez: You....Right! Tie her down.

(Fang and Biggles make a pathetic attempt to tie her on to the drying rack)

Ximinez: Right! How do you plead?

Woman: Innocent.

Ximinez: Ha! Right! Cardinal, give the rack (oh dear) give the rack a turn.

(Biggles stands there awkwardly and shrugs his shoulders)

Biggles: I....

Ximinez: (gritting his teeth) I *know*, I know you can't. I didn't want to say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake.

Biggles: I...

Ximinez: It makes it all seem so stupid.

Biggles: Shall I...?

Ximinez: No, just pretend for God's sake. Ha! Ha! Ha!

(Biggles turns an imaginary handle on the side of the rack. The doorbell rings. the man detaches himself from scene and answers it. Outside there is a dapper BBC man with a suit and a beard, slightly arty.)

Photos of Uncle Ted (Spanish Inquisition)

As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 15

The cast:

DEAR OLD LADY: Marjorie Wilde

YOUNG LADY: Carol Cleveland

VOICE OVER: John Cleese

CARDINAL XIMINEZ: Michael Palin

CARDINAL BIGGLES: Terry Jones

CARDINAL FANG: Terry Gillam

The sketch:

(Cut to snapshot which is being held by a dear old lady. Pull out to reveal she is sitting with a large photo album on her knees, lovingly extracting photos from the pile on top of the album and passing them to her friend sitting on the same settee. Her friend is a young ladyy, who tears up the photos as they are handed to her. The dear old lady is in a world of her own and does not notice.)

Dear Old Lady: This is Uncle Ted in front of the house. (she hands over the photo and the young lady tears it up) This is Uncle Ted at the back of the house. (she hands over the photo and the young lady tears it up) And this is Uncle Ted at the side of the house. (she hands over the photo and the young lady tears it up) This is Uncle Ted, back again at the front of the house, but you can see the side of the house. (she hands over the photo and the young lady tears it up) And this is Uncle Ted even nearer the side of the house, but you can still see the front. (she hands over the photo and the young lady tears it up) This is the back of the house, with Uncle Ted coming round the side to the front. (she hands over the photo and the young lady tears it up) And this is the Spanish Inquisition hiding behind the coal shed. (Friend takes it with the first sign of real interest.)

Young Lady: Oh! I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition.

(Jarring chord The door flies open and Ximinez, Biggles and Fang enter.)

Ximinez: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

(Cut to film: moving over Brengel drawing of tortures; epic film music.)

Voice Over: (and caption on screen) 'IN THE EARLY YEARS OF THE SIXTEENTH CENTURY, TO COMBAT THE RISING TIDE OF RELIGIOUS UNORTHODOXY, THE POPE GAVE CARDINAL XIMINEZ OF SPAIN LEAVE TO MOVE WITHOUT LET OR HINDRANCE THROUGHOUT THE LAND, IN A REIGN OF VIOLENCE, TERROR AND TORTURE THAT MAKES A SMASHING FILM. THIS WAS THE SPANISH INQUISITION . . .'

(Torchlit dungeon. We hear clanging Jbotsteps. Shadows on the Grille. The Jbotsteps stop and keys jangle. The great door creaks open and Ximinez walks in and looks round approvingly. Fang and Biggles enter behind pushing in the dear old lady. They chain her to the wall.)

Ximinez: Now, old woman! You are accused of heresy on three counts. Heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action. Four counts. Do you confess?

Old Lady: I don't understand what I'm accused of.

Ximinez: Ha! Then we'll make you understand! Biggles! Fetch...THE CUSHIONS!

(JARRING CHORD - Biggles holds out two ordinary modern household cushions)

Biggles: Here they are, lord.

Ximinez: Now, old lady -- you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin of heresy, reject the works of the ungodly -- *two* last chances. And you shall be free -- *three* last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.

Old Lady: I don't know what you're talking about.

Ximinez: Right! If that's the way you want it -- Cardinal! Poke her with the soft cushions!

(Biggles carries out this rather pathetic torture)

Ximinez: Confess! Confess! Confess!

Biggles: It doesn't seem to be hurting her, lord.

Ximinez: Have you got all the stuffing up one end?

Biggles: Yes, lord.

Ximinez: (angrily hurling away the cushions) Hm! She is made of harder stuff! Cardinal Fang! Fetch...THE COMFY CHAIR!

(JARRING CHORD - Zoom into Fang's horrified face)

Fang: (terrified) The...Comfy Chair?

(Biggles pushes in a comfy chair -- a really plush one)

Ximinez: So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions. Well, we shall see. Biggles! Put her in the Comfy Chair!

(They roughly push her into the Comfy Chair)

Ximinez: (with a cruel leer) Now -- you will stay in the Comfy Chair until lunch time, with only a cup of coffee at eleven. (aside, to Biggles) Is that really all it is?

Biggles: Yes, lord.

Ximinez: I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we? Confess, woman. Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess!

Biggles: I confess!

Ximinez: Not you!



-- Eve (eve_rebekah@yahoo.com), June 01, 2001.



Hi Eve. Yes, it was Rowan Atkinson and I do love all of the Mr. Bean episodes (and the movie):)Black Adder is Rowan's version of history similar to Pythom's humor.

Lately we've been getting the Vicar of Dibley on BBC. That program probably is my favorite second only to One Foot In the Grave.

-- Marg (okay@cutaway.com), June 01, 2001.


Here is to wishing you were in the grave. You no good bitch.

-- Marg (cut@this.bitch), June 01, 2001.

Hey Marg -- I was going to remind you to ignore your little troll (although judging by other troll-eruptions lately, I'm jealous, as it's usually a sign you've attained a certain positive status here), but in any case, his/her presence here is right in line with the theme of the thread. So what're ya gonna do (sigh)? :)

I haven't heard of the others, but Fawlty Towers was great -- loved Cleese -- and the Cleese - Palin skits were my favorites from Python, too -- like The Cheese Shop and the Dead Parrot Sketch -- usually Cleese starts calm and polite, gets more and more worked up, and finally blows his cool ("ee's pushin' up the daisies, shuffled off this mortal coil...this is an EX-PARROT!!").

-- Eve (eve_rebekah@yahoo.com), June 01, 2001.


Yup, love Fawlty Towers and Keeping up Appearances. Almost forgot Are you Being Served? and the Rise and Fall of Reginald Perrin. Fantastic humour. When I was in England I got hooked on David Allen and got to meet Benny Hill. He was at Thames tele around the corner from a pub that friends were running. He was a very funny man but, there was a sadness about him too.

We get quite a bit of english programming now. Satellite is the only way up here that we can get tv or radio. Mountains block everything.

Do you remember seeing a program called Bless Me Father? It was on years ago and I have tried to get it on video unsuccessfully.

I'm glad there's someone here that likes english comedy. My friends don't appreciate the subtleties and nuances ofdry humour.

-- Marg (okay@cutaway.com), June 01, 2001.


HE PUT BASIL IN THE RATTATOUILEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!

-- dejah-thoris (nudge@saynomore.com), June 02, 2001.

Marg, I havven't seen Bless Me Father, but Amazon.com shows that it's on video. Check it out (maybe I will, too)...

Bless Me Father

It's interesting you met Benny Hill. I thought he was ok, but some of the schtick seemed to get kinda repetitive. Maybe I hadn't seen enough of it to judge, though. In any case, now I've got that "Yakety Sax" or what ever tune that was floatin' in my head -- and it'll probably be there off and on all day...:)

-- Eve (eve_rebekah@yahoo.com), June 04, 2001.


Great! Thanks Eve! I never thought to check Amazon. I kept looking at PBS's video catolog.

I'm going check it out and order the video's. Thanks again....

-- Marg (okay@cutaway.com), June 04, 2001.


Thanks again Eve, I ordered the box set. Now, I'll be waiting impatiently for it to come!

-- Marg (okay@cutaway.com), June 04, 2001.

Marg, you're welcome! I'm happy I could find it for ya. For now - - have another...

Non-illegal Robbery

As featured in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 6

The cast:

BOSS Michael Palin

FIFTH John Cleese

LARRY Terry Jones

REG Eric Idle

VICAR Terry Jones

CHARTERED ACCOUNTANT John Cleese

PEPPERPOT Michael Palin

PRALINE John Cleese

POLICEMAN Graham Chapman

The sketch:

(Scene : A garret room with a bare table. Around it are grouped four desperate-looking robbers. The Boss has a rolled-up map. One of the gang, the fifth, is looking out of the window.)

Boss: All clear?

Fifth: All clear, Boss.

Boss: (unfolding big map across table; talking carefuly) Right ... this is the plan then. At 10:45 .. · you, Reg:, collect me and Ken in the van, and take us round to the British Jewellery Centre in the High Street. We will arrive outside the British Jewellery Centre at 10:50a of m. I shall then get out of the car, you Reg, take it and park it back here in Denver Street, right? At 10:51, I shall enter the British Jewellery Centre, where you, Vic, disguised as a customer, will meet me and hand me £5.18.3d. At 10:52, I shall approach the counter and purchase a watch costing £5.18.3d. I shall then give the watch to you, Vic. You'll go straight to Norman's Garage in East Street. You lads continue back up here at 10:56 and we rendezvous in the back room at the Cow and Sickle, at 11:15. All right, any questions?

Larry: We don't seem to be doing anything illegal.

Boss: What do you mean?

Larry: Well ... we're paying for the watch.

Boss: (patiently) Yes...

Larry: (hesitating) Well... why are we paying for the watch?

Boss: (heavily) They wouldn't give it to us if we didn't pay for it, would they... eh?

Larry: Look! I don't like this outfit.

Boss: Why not?

Larry: (at last feeling free to say what's on his mind) Well, we never break the bloody law.

(General consternation.)

Boss: What d'you mean?

Larry: Well, look at that bank job last week.

Boss: What was wrong with that?

Larry: Well having to go in there with a mask on and ask for £15 out of my deposit account; that's what was wrong with it.

Boss: Listen! What are you trying to say, Larry?

Larry: Couldn't we just steal the watch, Boss?

Boss: Oh, you dumb cluck! We spent weeks organizing this job. Reg rented a room across the road and filmed the people going in and out every day. Vic spent three weeks looking at watch catalogues...until he knew the price of each one backwards, and now I'm not going to risk the whole raid just for the sake of breaking the law.

Larry: Urr... couldn't we park on a double yellow line?

Boss: No!

Larry: Couldn't we get a dog to foul the foot...

Boss: No!

Reg: (suddenly going pale) 'Ere, Boss!

Boss: What's the matter with you?

Reg: I just thought... I left the car on a meter... and it's...

Boss: Overdue?

Reg: Yes, Boss.

Boss: How much?

Reg: (quaking) I dunno, Boss... maybe two ... maybe five minutes ...

Boss: Five minutes overdue. You fool! You fool! All right ... we've no time to lose. Ken - shave all your hair off, get your passport and meet me at this address in Rio de Janeiro Tuesday night. Vic - go to East Africa, have plastic surgery and meet me there. Reg - go to Canada and work your way south to Nicaragua by July. Larry - you stay here as front man. Give us fifteen minutes then blow the building up. All right, make it fast.

Larry: I can't blow the building up.

Boss: Why not?

Larry: It's illegal.

Boss: Oh bloody hell. Well we'd better give ourselves up then.

Reg: We can't, Boss.

Boss: Why not?

Reg: We haven't done anything illegal.



-- Eve (eve_rebekah@yahoo.com), June 05, 2001.


Too funny. Reminds me of "The Wrong Arm of the Law" with Peter Sellers. "This is the constable, send up a pot of tea for two, and some fairy cakes".

-- Marg (okay@cutaway.com), June 05, 2001.

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