by Percy Titmarsh

Newcastle United have applied to have their pitch at StJames's halfed.Boss Bobby Robson took the unusual step to get the groundstaff to cut the section of pitch in front of the East stand up to the two centre spot, dissecting halfway between the two goals. The club have applied to put extra car parking in the old section. The club are also hoping to cut in half the matches in a vain attempt to accomodate their plethora of 'right footers'. It is thought players like new boy Wayne Quinn and Left sided midfielder Gary Speed will be sold to finance the new tarmac. It is also thought Bobby was having trouble seeing across the pitch at natural left wingers like the soon to leave Stephen 'left peg' Glass. Chairman Freddie Shepherd came out in defence of the new system, "next summer we intend to remove the other side of the pitch aswell to avoid having to play games at all,Bobby has targeted losing as a major factor in our poor form last season" the man behind SJP also issued a stern warning to those fans disgruntled at having to see twice as far to see their right footed idols "we have spent millions cutting the pitch in half, and you'll fing well like it peasants". Its thought not actually playing will go down well with fans fed up with losing.

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2001

Answers

strange....soon as you start reading you know its Swifty......

Nurse!!!!!!!

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2001

Strange I'm sure Dalglish tried to do the same but only use the defensive end of the pitch, Gullit then went out an collected some left backs. Maybe each managers has some sort of fetish. If(when) Barton takes over as manager we will preumably see pre-match-during match and post-match synchronised clapping displays.

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2001

heehee nice one swift. good to see some tactics returning to SJP after something of a break

-- Anonymous, May 31, 2001