Holding a child back a grade -- need feedback please.

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Without going into too many details about why we'd consider it, here's the question -- have you or someone you know / knew ever been held back a grade -- particularly in high school? Was the trauma of being held back as bad as you expected? Did it help make high-school easier to repeat a year you had just had?

I'm asking for my 9th grader, who has battled this school all year. He's dysgraphic (form of dyslexia) and ADD and the private school he goes to makes zero exceptions -- nothing. He's very frustrated and his self-esteem is dropping dramatically. The local public school does make exceptions -- I can write an IEP which will mandate them giving him extra time on tests and assistance in various and specific ways. The drawbacks to the latter is that it's just not as good a school in several significant ways, one of which is more drugs and violence. My son is small for his age, so this worries us. He's tough, but you know... he's small and a new school, all new friends (again). Hard choices.

We're taking a lot of things into consideration here, but I thought it would help me if I knew some of the things that people who had gone through this had dealt with. Or parents of such -- how to handle it to make it better or why it would be the worst thing ever done.

Thanks much.

-- Anonymous, May 26, 2001

Answers

Hi Toni,

I'm a special education teacher. It's my opinion that special education students are better served in the public schools. I've taught lots of kids who came from private schools because their needs weren't being met. If your neighborhood school is not the best environment for your child, maybe you could investigate getting a permit to go to another public school in the district.

As for holding issue, that can be beneficial in the lower grades, but I'm not sure about high school. There's so much self-esteem stuff that goes on at that time.

From your email address, I get the idea you are from Louisiana? I teach in the New Orleans area, so if I can be of any help, please email me.

-- Anonymous, May 27, 2001


I've had excellent luck with the local public schools for my special ed kids as well as my normal one. Of course, Nashville has the benefit of several teaching universities and colleges in the neighborhood, so perhaps it's not a fair comparison. I know that poeple transfer into our county to join the autistic program, which is one of the best PUBLIC autistic programs in the country.---Al of NOVA NOTES.



-- Anonymous, May 27, 2001


I am not only a special education teacher, but also a mother of a special education student. I have taught in both the public and private sector and my son goes to public school because of all of the federal laws that are out there protecting his rights. Private school does not have to follow these rules and regulations hence they can do anything they want, never allowing for all of the things such as extra time for tests, oral testing, ect…that a public school is required to do by law. … IEP’s (Individual Education Plans) are just that individualized …

I am back in the public sector, because I have more freedom to do what I know is right for my students, teaching to their individual learning styles, and being their advocate as well as helping the parents learn to advocate for their own child

Do you and your son a favor repeat the 9th grade in the public school system. As a military brat my sister and I changed schools every couple of years it made us stronger, your son no matter what his size will make friends, change is the only constant.

-- Anonymous, May 28, 2001


Thanks for the feedback. It's all very helpful as we go through this and try to figure out what to do next. Any other experiences / anecdotes / feedback welcome.

-- Anonymous, May 29, 2001

I don't have kids of my own, but I certainly wish I had been held back at some point. I started kindergarden a year early and since I was actually more advanced than most of my older classmates they never considered holding me back. Then when I started high school it became immediately obvious that my emotional maturity was far behind that of my peers.

There is a certain stigma to being held back, but it's a small price to pay compared to a the five years or so it took me to get my head straight after high school.

-- Anonymous, May 29, 2001



This won't help Toni, but for the record, I highly recommend letting a kid repeat kindergarten when they have a late birthday, or if maturity seems to be a problem.

My sister and I both had late birthdays. My parents were forward- thinking and paid to send us to private schools for preschool, kindergarten and first grade. Neither of us had problems academically, but looking back I can see where we both would have benefited from that extra year's maturity.

Because my oldest son had an October birthday, we did as my parents had done and sent him to a private preschool and kindergarten. Then, near the end of kindergarten, the school principal and his teacher presented us with the option of repeating. They said that in his case, it was a bit of a toss-up. That he could certainly do the work, and he had (finally) matured to the level of the other kindergarteners. But they told us, they had no doubt that he'd be a class leader if he were held back. That while he could do the work now, he might have to struggle more with it, than if he had that extra year. And though they didn't emphasize it, there are always athletic advantages for repeating a year. Finally, they said, "You will NEVER be sorry that your son is a year more mature than his friends in high school, rather than a year behind them."

Our friends were aghast. People with children in the same class insisted we should pull him out of that school and take him elsewhere, just for suggesting that "such a smart kid" needed to repeat.

We had him repeat, and he never cared (even though he still had friends who were now a year ahead of him). His scholastic career was exactly as predicted. He breezed through a lot of stuff, rarely had any real difficulty, he did get the advantage of age in competitive sports -- but the important thing is, in those important high school years, he simply WAS more mature that a lot of the kids around him. It made him a bit of a leader by default, in that, once he said, "Naw, I don't think I'm gonna do that," others would fall in line and agree with him.

By contrast, our youngest son had a June birthday and there was no reason to hold him back. However, he had such maturity problems in kindergarten (and was later diagnosed with ADD) that by the end of the year, we told his teacher we wanted him to repeat.

Of all the decisions I have ever made re: my kids, this is the one that has haunted me the most, the one that I would go back and change. His teacher talked us out of it. Even though we knew from experience that it could and would work -- we allowed ourselves to be talked out of it.

That is something we paid for every year for the rest of his schooling. That extra year's maturity most likely would have made all the difference in the world for him.

There are few things I feel this strongly about. If there is a reason to question, "Should I let my child start school early," or "Should I let my child repeat kindergarten," I urge you, do it. The very fact that you have to ask, is enough to justify doing it.

As kids get older, I know repeating a grade has more social backlash. Do it early. There is no stigma. There are great benefits.

-- Anonymous, May 29, 2001


Oh, I would disagree about there not being any stigma. I think you have to take a lot of things into consideration, your child's personality among them, and a lot depends on how the issue is raised with the child. I already discussed this with Toni via e-mail, but I know at least one person who was pretty deeply traumatized by being held back in first grade for "immaturity." Whether or not that was a wise decision in the abstract is kind of beside the point when you take into account the fact that it made him feel like a failure for the rest of his time in school.

-- Anonymous, May 29, 2001

dysgraphic ... and the private school he goes to makes zero exceptions -- nothing.

If your son is dysgraphic and the school is refusing to make any allowances it is no wonder he is feeling frustrated. Repeating the grade is not going to do anything to solve this problem. He'll have another frustrating year of grade 9 in which he may do better simply because he's covered the material already, followed by an equally frustrating grade 10 in which he very well might fail again. Etc.

If they refuse to do anything about the problem it seems that pulling your child out of the school is your only option. Perhaps you could find another private school?

Then there is always the public schools. Like others here I have found the public schools to be very responsive to kids with disabilities. If the local school is particularly bad in terms of violence/drugs you might want to consider moving into another school's boundaries. (Also, this varies greatly with local politics, but you can often apply to have your child attend a public school other than the default one.)

-- Anonymous, May 29, 2001


Let's see... I went to a catholic pre-school and kindergarten. I have an October birthday. I was put forward in pre-school, for about a week. Then they realized what a mistake they had made. I was put forward for good, skipping second grade. Then I failed eighth and tenth.

In retrospect, I probably never should have skipped second. I mean, because of that, I never perfected cursive, which is my tragic flaw.

Jart

-- Anonymous, May 29, 2001


Hmm. Wondering if my own response here is TMI (in my eyes, of course).

Okay, I failed 9th grade (with a .666 GPA- go me!). I suppose I was held back- I was in a 9th grade homeroom the next year, but mostly 10th grade classes. But honestly, it didn't make that much of a difference for me (the again, my friends were hardly among those shooting for the stars those days). Suffice to say that things turned out pretty well.

My advice would be to do my damndest to figure out how this would affect him in the eyes of the peer group most important to him. It's not everything, but it's pretty important. It's amazing how much easier life is when you've got confidence in yourself.

-- Anonymous, May 29, 2001



I was sent back to second grade midway through third grade, then skipped seventh grade to catch up.

Sort of.

It gets a bit complicated, 'cause the above was for my religious studies, while I stayed in the same grade for my secular classes in the afternoon. And about five of us ended up in that particular two-class limbo, out of a class with less than twenty students.

It didn't go very well in my case, but that owed more to the particular students in the classes in question than to anything else; those in the younger class made my life hell. I don't think that can be generalized to other cases, though.

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2001


Oh, as long as I'm replying at all, I should add that even in the younger class, there were others far older than me. I was born in May, went to kindergarten when I was three, turned 13 at the end of eighth grade.

My mother was, at least at one point, of the opinion that they should've kept me back a year when I was in kindergarten. Given what I know about the makeup of the particular class I'd have been put into, I'm glad she didn't. I never would have survived ten years in that group.

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2001


Does your son know a lot of the kids in the public school? If he can repeat almost as if he were moving to a new state, that might lessen the social stigma. How does he feel about it? Is he frustrated enough that he would like the extra help? Is he really into the social thing, and would see this as his own personal failure? As someone else said, I think a lot depends on how you explain this to him, and how he approaches is (you could tell him he's being Red Shirted for his eventual football career!).

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2001

I flunked my freshman year of high school and had to repeat, and it really had no ill effects. I was allowed to make up the credits I missed in my sophomore year, and graduated at the same time as my peers, though, so it might be different. Honestly though, if the private school can't or won't meet your son's needs, take him to public school. Nobody there is going to know he's a freshman for the second time, and being able to succeed will probably do him much more good than the ego blow of doing 9th grade over again will do him poorly.

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2001

Toni, your son seems old enough to have his own thoughts on this. What does he think? Working with him on this, as you seem to be doing, seems key. He can feel like he's being heard and that his parents are on his side. Knowing that can help make things easier. Sure, it doesn't make it perfect, but it's something. What are his thoughts?

Is private tutoring an option? Or some other program in addition to school?

I knew a kid who was held back in 8th grade so he could start high school later and grow bigger to play football. Seriously. His father wanted a big football star for a son and wanted him to start high school as tall and wide as possible. It worked, sort of. He was the star on the team, but it wasn't much of a team.

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2001



You all have been a huge help. Conflicting advice, I realize, but it helps to see it discussed and hear the pros and cons.

As for Jake, we've talked to him pretty extensively, and he's adamant that he doesn't want to repeat the 9th grade, whether he could switch to the public school or not. (Adamant = rabidly emotionally vehemently against it.) After getting the initial reports from the couselor on his grade status (which is when I posted the question), I pushed for more evidence and it turns out she had a couple of things wrong; for example she had him "nearly failing" four classes, and that's not correct. He is going to fail the second half of two classes (English and Algebra), but the other two in question? He had an A and a B+. So much for her advice. On the whole, he has A's and B's in every class, including science (highest grade in the class), so I think her initial advice that we might consider holding him back was premature.

He can do summer school for both of those classes, and I expect he'll end up doing really well. Both of these teachers were hard-asses all year (and there were many complaints from the parents... one teacher won't be returning, thank goodness.) (Before anyone thinks I'm blaiming the teachers, I'm not. Jake has definitely got tons of room to grow in responsibility and maturity and shot himself in the foot with both of these teachers often by not turning in homework. I know that's part of the ADD, but sometimes, he just didn't care. It's hard to know where to draw the line between ADD and needing help and being 14 and not wanting to do the work.) At any rate, I met with both of these teachers all year long. Neither of them followed through with ONE single thing they proposed (their ideas); neither of them ever followed through with communicating with me. (They're both on e-mail. They had very small classes. All I wanted was one or two sentences, bi-weekly. I think I could have saved them a lot of grief.)

Because the whole peer issue is such a huge issue to Jake (he lettered in wrestling last year and gets to have a letterman's jacket -- the be all and end-all for a small guy, you know?), we'll leave him in the same school. However, I'm armed and dangerous now. I know how much and where the school failed him. I'm going to make it a point to be such a freaking squeaky wheel, it's easier for them to deal with Jake than to deal with me.

And the thing is, there was another teacher there who was a beautiful example of excellence. I mean, this woman was amazing. She taught science. When I first met with her, instead of getting stuffy about the fact that they were a private school and "didn't have to" do anything extra, she leapt into the conversation with enthusiasm and thought up several ways she could modify things slightly to fit Jake. He went from an F the first nine weeks to an A afterward. She didn't make it less demanding on him -- in a few cases, she challenged him more because of his special talents. (For example, instead of making him research and write a one paragraph report on inventors like the other kids did, she challenged Jake to invent something and make a prototype. He is incredibly smart like that and has at least four patentable inventions that I want to follow up on for him... and he made one for her and wrote a one paragraph report on how he did it. He was thrilled, she was very impressed. He loved science ever since that point.)

I think, ultimately, it will be up to me this summer and after school all year to follow through and find ways to challenge him and keep him organized and on track. I do know that I'm choosing the most difficult path. If I could go back and re-do this choice of this school, I would, so that we could benefit from all the publich school mandates have to offer. But as someone said here, for some kids, peer pressure and perception is everything. It's important to him to try to stick it out, and I've got to respect that. I just hope I'm not doing more harm than good.

Thanks for all your interest and responses. I'm sorry this is so long, but I wanted to answer the various questions / issues posted here.

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2001


Okay, after reading your last post, new advice:

Tell the counselor to screw off.

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2001


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