Do you have nieces or nephews? Are you close to them? Do you see yourself as a (please forgive the term) role model to them?

Growing up, did you have aunts and uncles who served as surrogate parents for you? Do you think extended families are important? Is that something you had as a child, or something you missed out on?

-- Anonymous, May 22, 2001

Answers

I have four nephews and one niece. I see three of the kids regularly, but the other two live in California and their dad is separated from their mom and it's a whole big mess, so I don't see them at all.

Since we lived in the back of the beyond when I was growing up, we didn't see our aunts and uncles very often---maybe once a year.

I think it's nice when extended families are close. Family reunions, big family holidays, and that kind of thing are completely foreign to me, and I kind of envy the people who are able to enjoy that sort of thing.

-- Anonymous, May 22, 2001

I have 3 nephews. Two of them live an 8 hour drive away from me but I'm still very close to them. We visit them once or twice a year, call often, send them cards and make sure they get their birthday and xmas presents on time. I want them to know that I still love them and am thinking of them even if we are far apart. I have their pictures on my desk at work.

None of my aunts/uncles served as surrogate parents but I did spend time (sleeping over, etc.) at one aunt/uncle house. We're not a super close family but we get together 2 or 3 times a year and everyone shows up. I do think extended families, that aren't horribly dysfunctional, are a good thing. I think it adds a lot to a childs upbringing when (s)he is surrounded by people who have a history together, who care for each other and who set good examples for them. To some extent, this is what I got from my own family and what I see even more of in my husband's family.

-- Anonymous, May 22, 2001

I became an aunt for the first time just a couple of hours ago. Unfortunately the spankin' new nephew is in London. Luckily there'll be a local niece/nephew in just a few weeks.

I didn't really have much extended family as a child - I don't have anything to do with my father or his relatives and my Mom's only sibling and family live far away.

However I was very close to my grandparents. It might sound corny but I think extended family is really important in a child's life. And the "family" don't necessarily have to be blood relatives.

I'm hoping to have a role in my niece/nephew's life. A kid can never have too many people who love them.

-- Anonymous, May 22, 2001

Not blood, but I have lots of friends' kids, whom I love. None of them are local, but I am The Book Aunt. My parents' siblings either lived far away or were so much older than my parents (my father is the youngest of five, with seven years between him and the fourth child) that I didn't interact with them.

I really look forward to having my chilluns visit me so we can go to the museum and the zoo and the mountains together. Kids are fun.

-- Anonymous, May 22, 2001

I have two nephews in Seattle - across the country from me. I've spent some time with the older one (4), when he was a few weeks old, and on a few visits, but I've never met the younger one (2) due to a conspiracy of no money and my sister being, quite reasonably, reluctant to travel with both the kids this age.

I grew up with semi-regular contact with my mom's brothers and sisters and cousins galore (all who were in the same age range). My mom was the oldest of 5 siblings, and older than her 6 cousins, and married younger than everyone else, and had me right away, so I was the first of the next generation and thus got lots of attention. When we all lived in the same state I know that I loved spending time with some of the older girls - an aunt and three cousins. When I think that they were younger than I am now it makes me feel really old.

I would love to be a bigger part of my nephews' lives, and I'm actively a bit jealous of my sister's sister-in-law who does a lot of babysitting. I'd like to be spending some regular time with kids at this stage in my life. While I'm not aching to have any of my own, I'd like to have a relationship and bond with one or two. I'm looking forward to spoiling/treating my nephews when they are older, and letting them do things my sister never would. I'm wondering what I will be able to get away with. My sister is religous and relatively conservative and I'm not at all. While I believe my sister has the right to raise her children however she wants, and I know that she is a good mother (and my brother-in-law a great dad), I am tempted to make sure the boys are exposed to some, ahm, alternative ideas. When they are old enough to keep their mouths shut for their own good, that is.

-- Anonymous, May 22, 2001

I have a niece and nephew. Since I have no kids of my own, I just love these two to bits. I try to have some influence on them because my brother can be a real pig sometimes, and my SIL is not exactly the picture of women's lib. They are good parents and have done a fine job raising the kids, but I like to be around to whisper in my niece's ear that it's OK to be a CEO, and to tell my nephew that cooking won't make him a sissy. Just my little contribution to their upbringing.

I have an aunt and uncle who are still my second set of parents. They never had children either, so I'm using them as my role model to how I am with my niece and nephew. (My uncle once referred to me as "the daughter he never had". That still makes me cry.) When my niece and nephew get to be my age, if they love me half as much as I love my aunt and uncle, I'll be one lucky auntie.

-- Anonymous, May 22, 2001

I have four nephews, the oldest of which, David, is 11 years younger than me. When the "fab four" were kids, they seemed to think I was fun to hang out with. I am the one who got them cool band t-shirts and took them to see movies that their parents weren't interested in sitting through (Star Wars, etc..).

As I guess is natural, around the age of 13 or 14, they seemed to start to lump me into the "parental" category and our fun times together started to get fewer and far between. That seemed to last until they were high school seniors or so.

Before each went off to college I made a deal with them that if anything happened and they were afraid to call their parents, to call me, let me handle telling them, or whatever. (As she said a silent prayer that this never involved a situation where the word "bail" would be used.) I told them that I wasn't stupid, there was no need to lie to me about anything, I'd been there before them. All I expected was that they never to drink and drive, or allow anyone they knew to get behind the wheel after drinking.

Only one of them ever took me up on the emergency phone call. He had been drinking and had fallen down some stairs, cutting a gash in his chin. His parents were on a cruise, so I drove across state to his school to made sure he got stitched up and was really ok. I didn't lecture. The promise to never drink to that excess again came voluntarily. This was six years ago.

Now, two of my nephews are parents. David, the oldest has two children, an 11 year old daughter (Ashley) and a 6 year old son (Jeremy).

When Ashley was born, I was like.. "Wow, I'm a great-aunt." David replied ot me, "Janice, you've always been a great aunt." I thought that was nice.

Role model?.. hardly. I just try to be their friend.

-- Anonymous, May 22, 2001

I have two nephews by marriage. I'm not very interested in them. My husband likes them and would spend more time with them if they lived closer, but I don't know if he's say he's "close" to them. They have a bunch of other uncles who live closer. I'm sure he doesn't see himself as a role model, but just as a guy to have fun with.

My mom had one sister who was much older and nobody in my family liked her or her family. We saw as little of them as possible. I always wished I had a cool aunt, like the ones in the Beverly Cleary books, who'd let me try on lipstick and intercede with my mom for me. But my aunt wasn't like that and her husband was just a creep.

I don't think of it as something I missed out on - to me, "family" is me and my parents, and that's cool. I had grandparents who mostly nagged and criticized me. More adults in a family just feels like more people to catch you doing stuff and scold.

-- Anonymous, May 22, 2001

I've got five nieces and a nephew, and another on the way in August. Whee!

I love them all, but particularly the ones in America - they're so smart and funny. I enjoy messing with their cultural heritage (my brother, their father, is Australian but so laid back about it they don't know a lot about being here).

The eldest one - who is all of six - announced to her parents that when she was ten, she was going to stay with Auntie Anna in Australia to learn how to ride a horse.

I like that kid.

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2001

I'm an uncle. I have two nieces and two nephews. One sister has twins (a boy and a girl) and another sister has kids that are a year apart.

The sister with the twins and I have never been close, so I'm not close to her kids. My other sister and I have always been close, and her kids love me to death. I'm their favorite uncle. I'm also I think one of the few grown ups who talks to them like regular folks and plays with their toys with them and gets excited about Star Wars with them. However, now that I'm in Seattle and they are still in New England I don't know how much of a role model I am.

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2001

When I was married I had several of each, children of my wife's siblings, who ranged in age from seven up to early teenage. Aside from the daughter of a woman I dated briefly a year or so before getting married, they were the first children I ever really got to know as an adult, and the first time I realized I could like and enjoy them.

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2001

I have two nephews (5 and almost 2) and a niece who is four weeks old this week. They are all my sister's children. I just got back from spending over a week with them. (Yes, I am tired.) I love them to pieces and wish I had a more consistent presence in their lives. With the distance between our two families, I see them a couple of times a year. If situations were different and I lived closer, I could imagine being a pretty important person in their lives. As it stands, I'm just fun "Aunt Neenie" (don't ask!) who comes to visit and play. Perhaps I'll have a different role with my niece when she's older, but I don't know because of the age difference.

When I was growing up, I had a favorite Aunt. She was my mom's younger sister and when I was about 5 or so, I idolized her. She was 21-22 at the time and she was glamorous, in love and happy. She was in the process of becoming a flight attendant which I thought was the coolest thing ever. (Hey, it was 1972.) She and her fiance were suddenly killed by a drunk driver and my heart was broken. I grieved her death for a long, long time.

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2001

Hmmm - Beth, I'm wondering about the impetus for your question. Care to share?

It's timely for me. I have twelve nieces & nephews - no. 12 just arrived on Friday, almost two months early. She's 3lbs, 6oz and we're pretty sure she has Down Syndrome. My sister and her family (husband and two older boys, 4 and 21 mos.) live across the country in WA. I'm in DC. I am *dying* out here not being able to be there for her right away. (It was supposed to be a c-section and we had everything nicely scheduled - me first, mom second, mom-in-law next...now the "schedule" is whoever can possibly get out there soonest).

I took two weeks off unpaid for her first born (was leaving for Peace Corps about two months later); took the same off for her second, b/c he almost killed her on the way out. I wouldn't change either of those decisions for the world, and I'm gearing up to ask my bosses for a month off to go out and help her.

So, yes, being an aunt is important to me. Been one since I was 8 years old. That niece (almost 23) is more like a sister to me. I do feel like somewhat of a role model, especially for the girls.

But more than that, I just believe that it's supremely important to be involved in your family's life. In our society, we end up with these f--ked up situations like your sister giving birth in a place 4,000 miles away, and so you have to take extra care to not let the ties diminish or disappear. Sometimes I can't stand my family, but they know me best and have to love me despite (almost) anything I do - and vice-versa.

BTW, I will end my diatribe by saying that my mom is one of 11 and my dad one of 3 - we never had close relationships with any of these aunts or uncles, and my parents didn't really have any friends to speak of, so I think that's why I feel so vehemently about the subject now.

Thanks for asking!

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2001

I have two nieces and a nephew. I acquired them in a bizarre way-- found out in 1997 that my dad had an adult daughter living in Holland with her family. Surprise! I'm an aunt! I've only met the kids twice (for extended visits in each of our countries). We get along well, but there's a language barrier there. Plus, half the time I feel like I'm part of their generation rather than my sister's-- I feel like they're my cousins. I do love them, though. I am really sad that I missed out on being a part of their lives for so many years (Stephanie is 14, Patricia is 11, and Christian is 4.)

I have one aunt and uncle, but we were never really close. Although we spend holidays together, we've never really bonded on a personal level, and I've never spent any quality time with either my aunt or my uncle on a one-to-one basis. It's always in the context of the families getting together for the holidays and such.

I was amazed when I was in high school and became friends with this guy named David who is the youngest of ten. His family gatherings, full of nieces, nephews, siblings, cousins (there are 18 grandchildren I think) have always made me wistful and envious. I still love hanging out with them on holidays-- by this time, I'm almost a member of the family myself.

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2001

Lynne: when I first asked this question, it was in the context of a journal entry about my new niece, born last month. I have ten other nieces and nephews, as well.

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2001

I really, really, really want to be an Aunt. I have this amazing Aunt who has always been there for me -- she is loving, truthful, and strong. I want to be like that for someone else.

Plus, I don't want kids of my own, but I'd like to have some connection to a child.

-- Anonymous, May 31, 2001

It is wonderful to be an aunt/uncle if you like kids but do not necessarily want to have your own. I have 7 nieces and 4 nephews and am close to all of them. They give me so much joy. I'm always laughing about something funny one of them said to me. As much as I love them though I do not really want the responsibility of having kids myself. It really helps that my sisters and brothers talk about me a lot and make an effort to include me in their kids lives. That's really key. That and I have always followed my mom's advice that kids like adults who get down on their hands and knees and play with them more than adults who just buy them presents.

-- Anonymous, May 31, 2001