This morning I woke up to the usual truckload of spam. But unlike most mornings, this morning there was something special:

IF YOU ARE SERIOUS ABOUT GETTING YOUR PENIS LONGER AND THICKER--THE NATURAL WAY, NOTHING TEMPORARY, THEN CLICK FOR MORE INFO

Okay, so it's not the best spam ever. I still thought it was pretty good. There's an art to these things, you know. You notice they didn't say, "Would you like a longer penis?" (That could have led to an equivocal response ... "Hmm, well, maybe I would, but today is just not the day. I'll have to give it some more thought.") They also didn't say, "Tired of your tiny little dick?" (People don't like to spend money when they're off sucking their thumb and rocking back and forth in the corner.) And they also eschewed one of the other classic spam approach, the fake referral: "I was referred to you by your friend Sally, who told me that you had a tiny little dick and were interested in making it larger. (See above re: rocking and sucking.)

No, our savvy spamster opted for the drill sargeant approach, and I think it was very effective. "ARE YOU SERIOUS ABOUT DOING SOMETHING ABOUT THAT TINY LITTLE DICK OF YOURS, SOLDIER? OR DO YOU WANT A GREAT BIG DICK, AND DO YOU WANT IT NOW?"

What was the best spam you ever received? Share!

-- Anonymous, May 20, 2001

Answers

I tried to get penis reduction surgery, but the insurance company said it was cosmetic, and wouldn't pay for it.

-- Anonymous, May 21, 2001

I got a spam in Spanish the other day. I have no clue what it was about.

Not the best spam ever, but I thought it was notable.

-- Anonymous, May 22, 2001

Need a ruling by the judges ... is this one a come-on or a customer survey?

Edited because I decided it was too mean to quote it. I'll sum up.

Basically, he wrote to me by name to ask me if I'd ever sat under the hair dryers at a salon after a wash or perm or set. The diction was kind of cute, in the way that it's cute when your seven-year old nephew writes you a letter.

I'm assuming the question is inspired by the title of this site, and I'm guessing we've got a fetish here ...?

-- Anonymous, June 27, 2001

But I want to make my penis longer and thicker in some terribly unnatural way, preferably something hideous and excruciating, because that's character building and makes for better pick-up lines.

-- Anonymous, June 27, 2001