Amazing tales from Planet Tabloid
Our regular update from the outer reaches of the news agenda.
Burning issue of the week:
Has Catherine Zeta Jones, aged all of 31, had a £4,000 eyelift?
Answer:
If she did indeed go under the knife, it was a waste of money, says the Mirror. Having examined "before" and "after" photos, the redtop concludes that Mrs Michael Douglas looks "no prettier" after splashing out on an operation usually performed on women twice her age.
Did she or didn't she?
Taking on all comers
The undisputed heavy-weight champion of column inches this week is our very own deputy PM, who got in a tussle with an egg-hurling protester in Rhyl, north Wales.
After being egged while on walk-about, John "Two Jabs" Prescott struck back with a neat left-hook.
The resulting rumble - and speculation as to whether it will win or lose Labour votes - reminded editors that Prezza has always been handy with his fists, having learned to box as a teenage ship steward.
The Mirror, keen to stretch its Rocky analogy as far as possible, digs out an old snap of the man it dubs the "East Hull Stallion" delivering a knock-out blow in the ring in 1958.
The ultimate booze cruise
It's no great surprise that Britons head over the Channel to buy cheap plonk on the Continent.
But Vivienne Vanderwalt-Hudson went above and beyond in her hunt for cut-price liquor, reports the Daily Mail.
Failing to spot any supermarkets as she drove through Calais, she drove on, "looking for a gap in the road" in which to turn around.
The gap took a long time in coming - 5,000 miles, to be exact. Ms Vanderwalt-Hudson drove across the Pyrenees, through Valencia, Malaga and Gibraltar before managing to turn round.
But by this stage, the journey was proving too much for her H-reg Renault, with its exhaust, suspension, brake lights and headlights all failing...
Happy birthday to you...
Yes, it's another loveable old rogue story from the Sun, the paper which last week "rescued" train robber Ronnie Biggs from his self-imposed exile in sunny Brazil.
This time around, Playboy founder Hugh Hefner hogs the photo spreads as he celebrates his 75th birthday with his seven identikit girlfriends.
Although advancing years have yet to slow the oldest swinger in town, Hef started to show his age when it came time to introduce the leggy lovelies to the Sun's well-wisher.
"Er, Kimberley, Tiffany, Stephanie, Tina ... um, um..." stammered the elderly lothario.
OG Note: Great googly moogly!!!
Whose the daddy?
But when in terms of sheer numbers, a devout Mormon could give the ageing tycoon a run for his money.
Tom Green faces up to 25 years in jail in the US's first polygamy trial in 50 years.
With five wives, five ex-wives, and at least 29 children, he is "the man who put the big in bigamy", says the Express.
Claws for concern
Mass hysteria is sweeping the Indian capital Delhi following reports that a superpowered monkey man is stalking the city streets.
Two people have already died, and more than 60 claim to have been clawed and bitten while sleeping on their roofs to escape the heat.
But baffled police have been given wildly varied descriptions of the perpetrator. Some witnesses say the beast is a dwarf-like monkey with razor-sharp nails; others maintain that it's a tall creature kitted out with a crash helmet.
See what the monkey man did?
Hoaxer or not, the attacker will no doubt be
hard to miss in that sort of get-up.
-- Anonymous, May 19, 2001