...my mobile!

The new sport, suitable for all - whichever way your sexual wind blows - and a superb use of the new technology. Find a friend and try this: "At first we were all wondering why anyone would want to insert a mobile phone into their rectum" said Dr Elaine Weng of the Taipei Medical University Hospital. "I mean, it's not really a suitable shape, but the woman didn`t want to tell us anything. She just said she`d sat on it accidentally, and was clearly very embarrassed, so we removed it, and didn`t ask any more questions." But a few days later, another woman was rushed into Emergency with severe abdominal pains, and once again: "we found a mobile phone lodged in her rectum. It was the same model, a Nokia 8850, and when we asked her about it, she confessed what had happened. She`d been playing around with her boyfriend, and he`d switched on the vibrating function, and inserted the phone into her anus, and then started dialing her number every few minutes, as a game. It wasn`t the sort of game I`d play, because the phone gradually slips deeper inside you, and they couldn`t get it out afterwards. In any case, it appears that the Nokia 8850 has a particularly strong vibrating function." Is that great product placement or what?! I was heading out the door this very morning to buy a new mobile, I saw an Erricson yesterday that looked OK, but now I`m gonna have a look for a NOKIA." ================================================================= Actually mines a Nokia 8810, good vibes nevertheless!

;7)

-- Anonymous, May 11, 2001

Answers

So Gav, how's your mobile?

-- Anonymous, May 11, 2001

Brings a new meaning to "WAP phone" - not to mention SMS.

-- Anonymous, May 11, 2001

Put's giving someone "a buzz" into a whole new context also.

-- Anonymous, May 11, 2001

Always wondered why people never answered their mobiles!

-- Anonymous, May 11, 2001

or a pet gerbil:

Flaming Gerbil

Flaming projectile gerbil--Actual article from the LA Times

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the Gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski and his homosexual partner Andrew (Kiki) Farnom, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in." he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon,' my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking that the light might attract him.

" At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out of the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnom suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

TOP 11 SCARIEST THINGS ABOUT THIS STORY 11. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum." - Good start. 10. "As usual,Kiki shouted out "Armageddon" - They do this frequently? (Or, at least they have done this more than once). 9. "So I peered into the tube." - I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun. 8. The poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self esteem) being shot out out the guy's ass like Rocky the Flying Squirrel. 7. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt the said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's tunnel of love. 6. People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums. 5. This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family. 4. "First and second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy dump after something like this? And the smell of a burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth. 3. People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for: "Idiotic men who shove rodents up their butts." 2. What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this? 1. People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying "Well Doc, it's like this. You see we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube...

-- Anonymous, May 13, 2001