It's an old one but...

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home having a smoke (that's the only place they can smoke at the nursing home). It starts to rain so one of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking! The second old lady asks, "What's that?" The first old lady replies, "A condom. It keeps them dry." The second old lady asks, "Where'd you get it?" The first lady replies, "You can get them at any drug store." The next day the second old lady hobbles into the local drug store and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a packet of condoms. The guy looks at her rather strangely (she is after all in her 80's!). He then recovers himself and politely asks what kind or brand she prefers. "Doesn't matter," she replies,"as long as it fits a camel".

-- Anonymous, May 06, 2001

Answers

husband and wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed. The man says to his wife, "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill." She ignored the remark. A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, your butt really IS as wide as the grill!" She ignores this remark as well. Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little sausage, you are sadly mistaken."

-- Anonymous, May 06, 2001

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask you mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and ask your brother if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that." So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that." The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!" The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could buy?" The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts and a fag."

-- Anonymous, May 06, 2001

An Irish bloke goes to the doctor, "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible"

He says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here"

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom,and then a £10 note appears. "This is amazing" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?." "Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out man," shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another etc...

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1990 exactly."

"Aaah, dat'd be roit amount. I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."

-- Anonymous, May 06, 2001

Two lads appeared in court on drug charges.The judge said, I'd like to give you a second chance rather than send you to prison. I want you to go out this weekend and show others the evil of drugs and get them to give up forever. See you both back in court Monday. Monday the two lads were back in court. The judge asked the first lad how he got on...Well your honor I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.. Thats wonderful what did you tell them???? I used a diagram your honour, I drew two circles like this 0o and told them the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs.. Thats admirable said the judge. And how did you get on turning to the second lad....Well I got 156 to give up.. 156 thats amazing, how did you manage that??? I used a similar approach, I drew two circles like this o0 and told them pointing to the small circle, this is your arse-hole before prison..........

An Indian enters a shop buying toilet paper, the shopkeeper says we have three kinds.The first is called velvet 4ply and very soft and costs £1. The second is called silk 2ply soft and costs 75p. The third has no name and costs 50p. The Indian takes the third one. The next day he returns to the shop and says to the shopkeeper I think I have a name for your Third toilet paper, call it John Wayne, Its rough, Its tough and takes no shit from Indians..

-- Anonymous, May 06, 2001