My house was big. I had many friends and I was a carefree teenager but I had to grow up quick. There was Catholic, Orthodox, and Muslim friends in our group of friends. We use to played together as children and we believed that this would last forever and that nothing would change our friendship.I was sleeping and a Serb guy with weapons came to my room. He was looking for a gun because they thought that Muslims had a lot of guns and weapons. I was scared. I couldn't say anything. Then I started crying, I was so ashamed.

-- Anonymous, May 05, 2001

Answers

there is nothing to be ashamed about!i am sure they did it to other people.

-- Anonymous, November 01, 2001

how do u know that?have you ever had a gun pointed at you?

-- Anonymous, November 02, 2001

You were very frightened by an unusual situation. Are you saying you felt some loss in yourself after this happened?

-- Anonymous, November 02, 2001

Ismir it must have been a very frightening time for you when the serb guy with weapons came into your room and i can understand why you were scared. at that time, Ismir, crying was the only rational thing to do, but you dont have to be ashamed of this, when i was young i sometimes cried when i was frightened. (silence). Ismir, do you remember the names of your friends who you used to play with? what happened to them?

-- Anonymous, November 02, 2001

Ismir, do you mean you were ashamed because you felt scared or because you had Muslims friend? Would you like to tell me more about it?

-- Anonymous, November 05, 2001

HI ishmir, There is no shame in crying when one is afraid. Especially if you were asleep in bed and alone. I suggest this experience highlighted your sense of vulnerabilty and lack of control over the invasion of your privacy. Have you been able to talk to anyone in your family or your friends about how you feel about this particular experience?

-- Anonymous, November 05, 2001

Ismir it is alright to express your emotions when you feel like it. If you feel like crying or screaming and you think the action will release the pent up emotions, then i would advise you to go ahead and cry or scream or whatever you feel like doing. There was nothing you could have done to the serb and don't pin that at yourself. Try and focus on the future and what the future can bring to you.

-- Anonymous, November 05, 2001

Ismir, I don't believe that a man should be ashamed of crying. If it is something that makes you feel better that is what is important. I have myself felt quite relieved after crying sometimes. It usually happens when I am overwhelved. I do think in your case may be you need to cry to relieve yourself of your anxiety and of your fear may be?

-- Anonymous, November 05, 2001

Ismir, i can't even begin to understand how traumatic that experience must have been for you, crying is a natural reaction to fear, you have nothing to be ashamed of.Can you tell me more about that experience?

-- Anonymous, November 05, 2001

Ismir your traumatic experience has touched me. l had a traumatic experience in my childhood which l never acknowledge or cried over because l felt ashamed. l blamed only myself saying l should have known better, but do you know what, after l cried over the whole incident l felt relieved l began to see the incident in different light that made me realise that it was not my fault and l have never been ashamed since.

-- Anonymous, November 05, 2001

Ismir life comes in different forms crying is human after all don't worry. If you don't mind me asking from whom were you ashmed from?

-- Anonymous, November 06, 2001

Ismir,there is no need to be ashame, crying is not a sign of weakness it's just a way of expressing your emotions.

-- Anonymous, November 06, 2001

Hi Ismir! your experience has touched me, it made me begin to search my 'inner self' for unanswered questions. Congratulations! i am pleased you cried your pain out, did you feel better after you have cried?. Donot be ashamed of yourself it is our culture to feel the way you did.

-- Anonymous, November 06, 2001

Ismir, i have noted that most men, me included, have a tendancy of viewing crying as a sign of weekness and thereby shy away from it. What i have come to understand from my experiences in the past, is that crying is a way in which i can release tension building up within in me. i do not feel at all embarassed after crying, it actually goes along way in lifting off my distress.

-- Anonymous, November 06, 2001

Ismir,I believe you must have felt distres about the incidence. This reminds me of a friend who cheated on me, I was really upset but with time and help from others I managed to cope with it. I believe you too would overcome your problem as you are in the right place for assessment and help.

-- Anonymous, November 06, 2001

Ismir, This must have been a frightening situation for you. Do you think having many friends OR your door being open to all your friends led you to this? Dont be ashame and never trust a friend.

-- Anonymous, November 06, 2001

Salamalekum Habibi! Don't get the wrong impression I only know one sentence in arabic. Life is full of ups and downs. It must be vrey hard for you to come to term with what youve gone through. But just see the positive side and believe that that is never the end of the world.

-- Anonymous, November 06, 2001

Michael- That is all people like you all do!you try to befriend us,make it seem like there is nothing to worry about!i am hurt and in pain and all i hear from you all is,its going to be all right!just pathetic!!!!

-- Anonymous, November 06, 2001

Ann-Marie-:I felt loss everywhere!I lost everyone that i ever loved and was my life for suppot,now i have nothing.everyone is against me! i can't function here!they are all bad people!

-- Anonymous, November 06, 2001

Ismir, I understand, it must be very difficult coming to term with such a hurrible experiences,they are not your fultand nothing you could have done to change the situation anyway, so stop blaming yourself. You are in a much saver environment now you need to start looking at the positive side.Please feel free to discus any issue of concern with me, any time.

-- Anonymous, November 06, 2001

Hi Ismir I think you are not living up to what you expect and that is upsetting you. Can you please explain how you feel about yourself?

-- Anonymous, November 06, 2001

Dear Ismir It seems that you have been upset by the way your friendship has turned up to be as you felt that nothing could ever come before your friendship. You had high expectations for each of your friends but now your friends have let you down.

-- Anonymous, November 06, 2001

Hi Ismir, firstly were you ashamed that you cried or that you cried in the presence of others. Crying is is natural form of expression of emossion, however dispite saying that I can understand your trauma with the whole experience of someone entering your home under such circumstances and that probably shattered your sense of security.

-- Anonymous, November 06, 2001

I am sure anyone in your position would have done the same .How did you feel after crying? Personally i feel better when i cry and i believe it is perfectly okay to cry especially if you benefit from it .Could you tell me what you would have done if you had not cried?I see no reason for you to be ashhamed.

-- Anonymous, November 06, 2001

Hi Ismir that was a terrible thing to have experienced but you say you felt ashamed, was this because you cried or you were scared? Try and look at crying as a release of anger or emotion and at the time that was the best way to react, you could not have stood up to this Serb you might have ended up dead.Looking back at the situation do you still have the feelings you had at the time it happened?

-- Anonymous, November 06, 2001

ISMIR, I THINK U HANDLE THAT SITUATION QUITE BRAVELY.CRYING IS A NATURAL RESPONSE OF HUMAN BEING.IS THAT WHAT U ARE ASHAMED OF???

-- Anonymous, November 06, 2001

Ismir, That must have been a frigthen situiation to experience especially in the middle of the night when you are sleeping. You think as a man, you should have resisted there and then but you could'nt and it now hurts you that you fine yourselve crying at times.

I may have reacted the same manner you did had I been in your situation. I heard about the war and some of the horrfying acts the Serbs did to some of the Moslems so I can understand to some extent how you are feeling now. Sometimes it may be helpful to allow yourselve to release the tention in you by crying and I'll give you some tissues to wipe your tears or you can came over with me in a private place were we can talk more about it if you think it will be helpful.

-- Anonymous, November 06, 2001

Hi Ismir I acn understand you cried because the serb guy with weapons came to your room searching for weapons, is there any thing else that caused you to cry? You should not be ashamed of crying, I used to cry when I was young when faced with upleasant circunstances like yours and Iam not ashamed of it at all.

-- Anonymous, November 06, 2001

hie Ismir. there is no reason for you to be ashamed, crying is a natural human response. I believe its a way of expressing how you feel at that particular time. What made you cry? was it the whole experience or was it the fact that you couldn't say anything?

-- Anonymous, November 06, 2001

Ismir, I want to start by saying that there are different ways of reacting to a situation depending on what the situation is and what emotion it stirs up in you. In your case you cried because you were scared and I feel that was justifyable. If I ewre in a situation like that I would reast in the same manner.What is it that you were then ashamed of: the fact that you were scared or that you had reacted to a difficilt situation by crying?

-- Anonymous, November 06, 2001

(....remain quiet for a while to show that I am have given sometime to take in what he has said.)

I have to admit that I am really out of words and am trying to think of something clever at this time but I cannot. I don't know what to say mate.... whether to say to you its alright to cry, cos you might believe strongly against it or to say it will be alright, cos I don't know to what extent this has affected you. All the same I would like to commend you for sharing this information with me.

( at this time I pause for a while to give the impression that I am trying to digest what Ismir has said to me.)

Do you want to elaborate further on why you feel ashamed and scared?

-- Anonymous, November 06, 2001

Hi Ismir,

Ismir, its normal to cry in a situation as a way of expressing your feelings. You should not be ashamed at all.

-- Anonymous, November 06, 2001

There is no need to feel ashamed Ismir,that is quite a natural response for most people at gunpoint.Do you think there is something you could have done?

-- Anonymous, November 06, 2001

Ismir, it appears you had a happy childhood before the onset of the Bosnia/Serbia war but life can be unpredictable and some changes scar our lives forever. I wonder why you felt ashamed. Is it because you cried and crying for men is unacceptable or is a sign of weakness in your culture? Crying is a way of coping with uncomfortable feelings and releases tension. I feel relieved after crying.

-- Anonymous, November 06, 2001

Hello Ismir I am just been allocated as your key Nurse and i can understand your feeling why you are crying dont be ashamed your culture accept that we will both work together.

-- Anonymous, November 08, 2001

It was understandable that you were upset in such a distressing situation. It was a normal reaction to cry, you have nothing to feel ashamed about. Do you want to talk some more about what happened to you?

-- Anonymous, November 08, 2001

ismir,you have obviously had a rough and tough time--i wuold like to hear more,as i am not sure what you were ashamed of--can you please clarify?

-- Anonymous, November 08, 2001

Hi Ishmir I understand the way you feel as I am a Muslim myself. There is no need to be ashamed of; crying is a natural reaction. You should be prould of what you are and not worry about what other people think about you or your religion.

-- Anonymous, November 08, 2001

Agnes:- it seem like crying is a way of coping for most people,because everyone is telling me it is fine to cry and not a sign of weakness!why do i have to cry all the time?why am i so sad! why do everyone look at me like that?

-- Anonymous, November 08, 2001

Hazel:-If I talk to youwhat good is it going to do to me!how can you help me?I have no one!you are a stranger and you will be going to your family!where is my family when i need them most!how could people be so cruel?why is life so painful!

-- Anonymous, November 08, 2001

Hi Ismir it's Mary. The way you describe your experience as a child, it looks that you were a happy one, with friends around. Now, analysing how much you passed through, and how many losses you had through this period, I tell you that you have nothing to be ashamed of. A man is allowed to cry, you are a human being full of emotions and mixed feelings generated because of your bad experiences. I hope you continue to talk so I will be able to understand you better. God Bless Mary

-- Anonymous, November 08, 2001

it's seems to me that you have a lot of loss and sad feelings Ismir, only you can know how it felf to have the gun pointed at you,would you like to share with me your feelings of being ashamed?

-- Anonymous, November 09, 2001

Ismir there is realy nothing to be ashamed of. If i understand you correctly you said you were scared, there is nothing wrong whith being scared .Everyone gets scared its a natural process.

-- Anonymous, November 09, 2001

guns do not solve probrems.

-- Anonymous, November 09, 2001

guns do not solve probrems in everyday life.

-- Anonymous, November 09, 2001

hi Ismir, there is no need to be ashamed of you, instead you should be proud of yourself,i.e,your culture,religion and especially where you come from.

-- Anonymous, November 09, 2001

Dear Ismir, There is no need to be ashamed of yourself.You are a muslim and like any other religion it is respectful.Dont let people upset you.

-- Anonymous, November 09, 2001

Mary:-I did have a nice childhood with many friends but now i am all alone and where was god when i needed him most!is he still there looking after me!or do i have to seek him and then he will find me? the tears i cried will not go away and will be there for a long time to come!i hope i have the blessing that you have!

-- Anonymous, November 10, 2001

Varma:-how could you say i should be proud of my culture,religion n country!if you r so proud of me, why dont you go and adopt my religion n culture and live there!i am sure if given that opportunity you wouldn't be proud of yourself!you would hate the life and person you are!!!!

-- Anonymous, November 10, 2001

crying is a response to your need protection so there is nothing wrong with that don't be ashamed of your self there are worse things an individual can do to be ashamed other than crying.

-- Anonymous, November 11, 2001

crying can be a very powerful way of ventilating your feelings ,you do not have to feel ashamed at all, anyone in your shoes might do the same.

-- Anonymous, November 12, 2001

It must all be so difficult for you, with everything happening so fast. Firstly, you realise that all the friends that you grew up with would be with you all your life and then this thing about the Serb guy with weapons. Do you think you can tell me what happened exactly to make you so scared and not say anything with all the feelings of shame.

-- Anonymous, November 13, 2001

hi,ismir,i replied to your mail on 8th nov.am not sure why its not reflected.anyway,my response was--its obviuos that you have gone through a rough time--but then i am not sure what you are ashamed of-- can you please clarify?

-- Anonymous, November 13, 2001

I do acknowledge that there might have some events that could have traumatised you in the past but there is no need to be ashamed of yourself.

-- Anonymous, November 14, 2001

Sarah:-I am worthless!no one will ever value my strength as a man!I was scared when I saw the serb with the gun,all I could have done was cry!now I don't have any family and friends!I feel helpless and lonely!no one will value me as a person!

-- Anonymous, November 15, 2001

Dear Ismir, Do you know that people react differently to emotional conflict. Crying is in fact one of natural means of outlet.There is nothing to be ashamed of ok!

-- Anonymous, November 19, 2001

DearIsmir, Do you know that people react differently to emotional conflict. Crying is in fact one of natural means of outlet.There is nothing to be ashamed of ok!

-- Anonymous, November 19, 2001

There is no need to feel ashamed Ismir,that is quite a natural response for most people at gunpoint.Do you think there is something you could have done?

-- Carol Sibanda (carolsibanda@hotmail.com), November 06, 2001.

The reason for telling him not to feel ashamed is to reassure him that he is not any different from anyone else if presented with the same situation.I asking him to tell me what he thought he could have done is a way of prompting him to say more.

-- Anonymous, November 19, 2001

When you speak about your friends you show a lot of joy in your expressions Ismir, it seems as though it was very important to you. when you talk of the serb men and the gun and the events that follow, you seem very sad and afraid, yes you were unable to talk, you were sacared, yes you cried, you were scared Ismir,don't feel ashamed of these emotions.....

-- Anonymous, November 19, 2001

You should not feel ashamed as most people would react in the same way when faced with the situation you where in

-- Anonymous, November 20, 2001

Ishmir,i empathise with you and understand when you say you had to 'grow up quick'however, could you explain to me what triggers the anxiety in you and make you want to cry?

-- Anonymous, November 20, 2001

Ismir, I wonder what your life was like, when you mentioned "I had to grow up quick" Could you please tell me more about that statement.

-- Anonymous, November 20, 2001

HI I am going to be your key nurse i understand your feeling dont be ashamed as some men do cry in some circumstances. I am ready to work with you as long as you are ready to engega with me.

H

-- Anonymous, November 23, 2001

Sandra:-life is Bosnia is very hard and as a young boy growing up is tough but i was happy because I had my friends and family to give me the love and support that any child would want!now I don't have that! all I have is people asking me questions and then I would never see them again and along comes new people with the same questions!what have I done wrong?why do they hate me?why have they taken my family and friends away?are they after me now?

-- Anonymous, November 23, 2001

Clyde:-Are you saying if someone came into your house with a gun and threatened your family,you will cry!will you not find the strength to defend your family!In a situation like mine,is crying a way of coping or is it a sign of weakness?

-- Anonymous, November 23, 2001

ish i do share your feelings but i think you should realise that in life we have at times no absolute control of what is surrounding us. i think we could utilise the time we have to help you through your concerns

-- Anonymous, November 23, 2001

Valentine:- Who is ish?My name is Ismir.are you one of them also?I have been hearing all of you people coming and saying you understand how I feel or you share my feeling!do you?do you really know what I am feeling?have you ever lost your entire family and most of your friends?Well I have and am sure you will not want to feel like that ever in your life!I may not have control of circumstances in my life but I am not letting you control me!thats what you all want to contol me!and soon you all will kill me,just like my family!my concerns are for people to leave me alone!

-- Anonymous, November 23, 2001

Foley:- so I cried and now i am a weak person!my father never cried,he was a strong man he provided for us,but where is he now?if i was as strong as him I could have prevented that!but I was weak so instead I cried!

-- Anonymous, November 23, 2001

Julie:-Yes I was happy especially with my friends,wish I could see them again!violence is such a terrible thing in life!why did it have to happen to us!we are such humble people!yes I was scared and I did cry!I must admit growing up when I was scared I would cry and look for my family support!no i feel like crying again but It's not because i feel scared but because I am sad!but I don't have the support of Family!

-- Anonymous, November 23, 2001

Ismir, I understand and believe you have gone through such a traumatic situation. Its natural that people do cry when confronted with such situations. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Can you please tell me more about your experience?

-- Anonymous, November 23, 2001

There is nothing wrong with crying it a response to your fears.

-- Anonymous, November 24, 2001

I understand man do cry sometimes its not you alone. Life changes and its even worse for other peolpe than what you have exprienced in the past.

-- Anonymous, November 24, 2001

Ismir it must have been a very frightening time for you when the serb guy with weapons came into your room and i can understand why you were scared. at that time, Ismir, crying was the only rational thing to do, but you dont have to be ashamed of this, when i was young i sometimes cried when i was frightened. (silence). Ismir, do you remember the names of your friends who you used to play with? what happened to them?

-- Anonymous, November 24, 2001

Ismir, Your mentioned that drinking alcohol made you feel relaxed and made feel warm. The fact that generally, Muslims do not drink, do you think your drinking of alcohol could be creating guilty feelings.

-- Anonymous, December 08, 2001

ishmir i think in as much as we hate it we are not always in control of the world around us.

-- Anonymous, February 22, 2002

Psychodynamically, Ismir should be allowed to go through the traumatic experience memories by expressing them in a therapeutic situation which enhances trust.Hence I made use of other and narrowed the gap between self and other by providing a warm climate so that Ismir expresses himself without fear of reproach by the professionals.I was empathetic in order to establish a therapeutic relationship that enables Ismir to feel represented,empowered and ready to share more about the horrific past he witnessed.

-- Anonymous, March 18, 2002