Toronto Sun

Thursday, May 3, 2001

Eyes front

The actors would prefer you didn't interact with them

By LIZ BRAUN

MEDUSA COMPLEX: (1) Add Jennifer Lopez' name to the list of stars who are not to be looked at, or spoken to, by common folk under any circumstances. What, exactly, would happen if direct eye contact were made? Turn to stone? Pillar of salt? Hyper-inflated butt?

(2) Julia Roberts will don the fat suit for her role in America's Sweethearts. Miss Roberts declined to eat up and gain weight for the role, but will no doubt try to find herself an overweight hairstyle for added verisimilitude.

(3) Britney Spears, woman of letters, and Justin Timberlake, twit, will co-publish a book of poetry and love letters and diary entries and nail cuttings of import, all pertaining to their relationship with each other.

Tonstant weader fwoed up.

(4) "Me, the Grammy and those belly-button girls." Joni Mitchell sees the humour in being Grammy-nominated as a popster alongside Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera, or expresses regret that she's never been a belly-button girl herself, or simply waxes bitchy as usual, we can never keep these things straight.

(5) For $1 million, Mariah Carey will play and sing at your next event. You pay her, or she pays you? These items are so confusing.

CLOSE, BUT NO CIGAR: Former TV host Johnny Carson was rushed to hospital with severe chest pains.

It was nothing.

CHEAP SMARM AND GOSSIP: (1) Should we worry about the Enquirer's revelation that Arnold Schwarzenegger had a seven-year affair in the past or should we worry about how much his alleged mistress looks like a guy?

(2) Ben Affleck interested in political life? He's just dull and long-winded enough to run for Congress and has already confessed to being attracted to the oration and speechmaking of it all. (2a) Shut up, we explained.

(3) Star magazine calls Eddie Fisher, currently embroiled in a kerfuffle over his recently deceased fifth wife's will, "Hollywood's resident schmuck." We knew that.

(4) Isn't retirement age 65 in America?

(5) Barbara Walters turns 70 this year.

BUTTON IT: (1) "He is taking years off my life." Drew Barrymore describes life with Tom Green.

(2) "Maybe I could sneak in wearing my Elizabeth Taylor wig." Julie Andrews, star of The Sound Of Music, tells Us she'd like to witness the current hysteria known as Sing Along Sound Of Music. (3) "It was the most awful experience." Renee Zelwegger remembers her acting debut, age 6.

(4) "Leaving my dog." Zelwegger -- again -- explains the toughest part of the Bridget Jones shoot in England.

THE GOOD NEWS: (1) Michael Jackson has not performed a concert in the U.S. in over a decade.

(2) Elle Macpherson and Naomi Campbell will be the hosts of the Miss Universe pageant this month. New rules for the 2001 babe-fest include NO slapping or hair-pulling.

-- Anonymous, May 03, 2001

Answers

For a million dollars.....I WILL sing at your wedding!!!!!

-- Anonymous, May 03, 2001