Lights on, but nobody home here

May 1, 2001

By Jeff Kramer

Let's get this straight. First Disney erects - I almost want to end the sentence right there - a new theme park whose alleged theme is a salute to California.

When an unimpressed public reacts to the glorified street carnival with a salute of different sort, frantic Disney officials dig deep into their bag of cliches and announce ... . ta-da! ... the return of the Main Street Electrical Parade.

That's the whimsical procession of light Disney killed off "forever" five years ago, but not before selling off a few shareholder points worth of now-obsolete souvenirs.

The upshot is that starting July 4, in the heat of a sizzling summer and right about the time California starts burning 500-year-old sequoias to generate power, your neighborhood interlocking directorate will throw the switch on a half-million or so light bulbs so Mickey and all his sexually ambiguous buds can prance about on electrically powered floats while the rest of us sweat like Dick Cheney at the Home Town Buffet.

You have to admire The Mouse. If you're Joe Average, you've got Gov. One Term tapping you on the shoulder every time you do a load of laundry.

If you're Teri Houston - owner of one of those now-worthless souvenir bulbs of yore - you watch TV in virtual dark.

If you're Heather Anderson, a nurse at Saddleback Memorial, your workplace is cutting back A.C. and your apartment complex stopped lighting carports at night.

And if you're Disney? You throw yourself a nightly electronic bonfire to warm your frozen stiff of a theme park and avoid dropping prices.

It won't work. What the public really wants is more of those cool virtual rides, something like - and this is only a suggestion - "Glidin' Over Common Decency" - in which you take on the role of an obscenely wealthy CEO of a Fortune 500 company who just netted a $72 million compensation package plus stock options.

You're whisked to Hawaii as part of a $5 million junket to watch a premiere of your company's new movie - all as your company announces 4,000 layoffs.

A small world indeed.

But getting back to the parade. Disney's John McClintock implied that the park would actually turn off some lights during the parade. And Anaheim Public Utilities, which supplies power to the parks, says Disney has always cut power when supplies strain. Like cutting back on calls to 911.

Furthermore, Carl Blumstein, an analyst with the University of California Energy Institution, estimates that the parade will consume about the same amount of juice it takes to power 250 homes for an hour - a drop in the energy bucket.

Yet with the crisis deepening daily, Blumstein believes we're rapidly approaching a point when the Electrical Parade will seem about as appropriate as Robert Downey Jr. at a temperance rally.

"Disney hasn't gotten it yet," Blumstein surmised.

Keep your chins up, souvenir hunters. Electrical Parade Fire Sale No. 2 may be closer than you think.

-- (cin@cin.cin), May 01, 2001

Answers

With all their financial resources, why aren't they finding a way to generate their *own* power?

-- It's (WhatI@WouldDo.com), May 02, 2001.

Thank you for starting my day with a big smile cin!

As you may know I am no big fan of the "new" Disney company...the rat that ate the world. Walt was a visionary and a magical man, the company now only gives a shit about the bottom line and sucking as much money from parents as they possibly can.

-- Uncle Deedah (unkeed@yahoo.com), May 02, 2001.

A'greed' Unk

Went down there a couple years ago for a day trip with the kids and suffered a mild case of sticker-shock. It will be a long time (if ever) before I'm down there again.

Kids like The Keys better anyway.....

Deano

-- Deano (deano@luvthebeach.com), May 02, 2001.

I LOVED the Disney parks [well, outside of those squirrels that were just a bit too friendly for comfort at Disneyworld.] We did Disneyland first. I think my son was about five. We stayed in a camper in my brother's back yard, so didn't notice the impact on our budget too much. I was still kindof afraid to fly at that time, and when the plane took off, my son yelled, "Whee!" I thought, "Anita, if your five-year old son can go with the flow, I just don't understand why you can't." I've never been afraid of flying since.

We did Disneyworld some years later, staying at a condo we'd rented, coming home for lunch, etc., and going back. We felt the rip-off in these parks were the prices on food, etc., so went out of our way to eat somewhere else.

While in France, I, personally, wanted to experience Euro-Disney. I'd heard that the place was a bust, but I wanted to hear Donald Duck talk in French. It wasn't a bust at all, and we had as much fun there as we did in Legoland in Denmark. After Euro-Disney, my son said, "We've been to every Disney park in the world." I said, "Not true. There's another that's opened in Japan." He said, "Mom?" I said, "Three out of four is enough, son. The fourth will have to be on YOUR dime." I've read a few reports of this new Disney enterprise in California, but I have no interest in checking it out.

I'd agree, Unk, that after Walt died everything kindof changed, but for those of us that never grew up completely [or cling to the child- like parts within us] there will always be an appeal.

-- Anita (Anita_S3@hotmail.com), May 02, 2001.

Cool I made Unk smile!

It seems like every year they have those spring/summer commercials announcing the very last time you could hope to see the electric parade. And yet it keeps coming back year after year! Or so it seems.

-- (cin@cin.cin), May 03, 2001.

Anita,

I am still very much a child inside, I think that shows pretty clearly here, my goofiness. That is probably the reason for my feelings of dislike towards what Disney has become. My childlike ideology of what Disney stood for, and what made it magical, was shattered by my last visit many years ago.

-- Uncle Deedah (unkeed@yahoo.com), May 03, 2001.

Unk: I could only notice the departation from Walt's ideals in the changes in movies, comics, etc. I couldn't notice changes in the Disney parks, because I've only been to each one once. I remember watching the ads for Disneyland, however, when I was a child. Some kids have goals of being an Astronaut some day, but all I could think was, "I want to go to Disneyland." The thought was totally out of the realm of my parents' budget, so as soon as my kids got to an age where I thought they'd appreciate the experience, off we went.

-- Anita (Anita_S3@hotmail.com), May 03, 2001.

Anita, count me as weird (as if you didn't already), but even though I watched the Wide World of Disney and therefore absorbed dozens of hours of propaganda meant to get me excited about going to Disneyland, I knew from the first I wouldn't like it. It seemed too artificial, and I mean W-A-Y too artificial.

If you'd asked me at age 8 whether I'd rather go ride the rides at Disneyland or go see something like the Great Salt Lake or Mt. Rushmore, Disneyland would never ever have made the cut. Same reason I never ate cotton candy again after the first try.

-- Little Nipper (canis@minor.net), May 03, 2001.