Coogee Beach Mags 5 a side - report

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In a surprising game yesterday on a patch of bumpy, grass-like surface not dissimilar to SJP in mid-winter, Loony Toon emerged unscathed to declare: "It was the beer wot won it".

SAUSAGE Lifting his sausage victoriously above his head, Loony commented, "I felt the triumphant trio of Toon, Andy and Min did particularly well in the first half to combat the [at times appalingly] physical threat of Sting, Nick, Tynedale and 'Friend of Sting', Hardy.

15 YEAR OLD BRAZILIANS Several goals were scored, tackles came flying in thick and fast in a frantic initial 45. Never pretty [unless you include the 15 yr old Brazilian's on the sidelines that Sting was eyeing up], the game ebbed and flowed with possession frittered away like confetti at a wedding. 'The Midfield Enforcer' [Tyndedale] threw in several late challenges on Loony while 'Raphael' aka 'Nifty Nicky' lived up to his surname in the same way that Mirandinha did. Indeed the players looked more interested in the half time beers and BBQ.

A RELUCTANT STING IN THE TAIL A 5-5 scoreline at the break prompted a re-jigging of various bowel movements while Kate [Lady Tynedale's mate] and Viv [Lady Tynedale's sister] took up their positions between the goalposts. Sting was a 'reluctant' half time susbstitute as he pre-empted 'The Manageress' phone call to "get yerself hyem NOW". In the outfield, Min and Tynedale took on Loony and Raphael who conjured up images of the great mid-90s midfield duo of Peters and Lee, er, Batty and Lee.

STEPS - KICKING AND PUNCHING Surging through the open midfield and defence, Loony & Raphael's goalkeeper, Viv resorted to practicising her 'Steps' routine for a night out on the Quayside. At the other end, it was all hands on the deck as Kate kicked, punched and generally abused her own players, failing to recognise the difference between one black and white shirt and another...

"BORED AND BEERLESS" Substitutions followed with Andy replacing a self-declared "knacked but happy" Loony while Julia replaced a self-proclaimed "bored and beerless" Viv.

OPPOSING TEAMS Deep into Min's ["just call me Don Hutchison"] own personal injury time came the goal of the match. Raphael to Tynedale. Tynedale back to Raphael. Raphael square's the ball to Tynedale who goes for a lovely one-two with Raphael. Very pretty stuff except they were on opposing teams. The ball break's to a one-leeged min who pushes it through to Nifty Nick. He shoots. He misses. He gets the rebound and misses again. and again. and again. The ball break to the other end where an unopposed Andy slots the ball between his own lass's legs and scores the winner. ahem.

The crowd go wild. And then their attention back to the remaining beer they'd been quaffing in the absence of anyone else....

All in all, a TOP day out. A big thanks to Andy and Julia for cooking, Sting for leaving before it got messy, Claire Raphael for the teary farewell and attempting to show us your 'Ginola' [hope the knee gets better].

You lot back in the UK don't know how LUCKY you are.

;@)

Pictures from nick/min to follow [hopefully if ITK or Screacher can oblige by posting them up here...?]

-- Anonymous, April 30, 2001

Answers

Echoes of a game in a park last year. Great reporting - mucho jealous of your location for the prestigious game :-)

-- Anonymous, April 30, 2001

You can almost smell the Deep Heat. Terrific :-)

-- Anonymous, April 30, 2001

Better send the pictures to ITK or Andy. We have a sniffer on our server that purges anything remotely to do with bare flesh.

Bobby - discussed with True at the match on Saturday. He's moving up to N'land (Hepple), you're gannin ti Wark and I'm looking for a gaff up there too. Sounds like we should have a Toon version of a Day in the Park. Close season seems a good idea.

-- Anonymous, April 30, 2001


A kickabout was discussed for my forthcoming Stag Weekend to Newcastle. Unfortunately most of the attendees looked at my bestman and I as if we were mental (ie - we're expecting them to spend three days on the piss AND play football).

Stag starts Friday June 29th.

-- Anonymous, April 30, 2001

Screach - sorry, I'll only be moving in classy circles of folk when I move up :-)

Hepple? Blinkin' flip! And I thought I was moving to a remote area. Still, quite appropriate for True...being near to Great Tosson and that :-)

Scratchy - if all is well, I'll see you in Newcastle in June (as well as down the pub tomorrow. Vine at 7.30ish?)

Ps - reminds me of probably THE most desirable student address in Newcastle: 69 Tosson Terrace, Heaton.

-- Anonymous, April 30, 2001



Robert - at my age Little Tosson would be more appropriate.
What do I have to do to shake you lot off - are there any islands in the middle of Kielder Water?

-- Anonymous, April 30, 2001

True - in your state, is it wise to mention Keilder Water. I mean, it's full of water and I mean full. And that's an awful lot of water.

PSSSST - how's the bladder?

-- Anonymous, April 30, 2001


You insensitive p*ss taker - excuse me for a moment......

-- Anonymous, April 30, 2001

CLAIRE RAPHAEL !!!!!!

We ain't married yet.

-- Anonymous, April 30, 2001


If you've got the pics, send them to my jestab73@hotmail address, it doesn't take them so long to download from their than if you send them to my freeserve address.

Screacher, have you (or any one else) got any pics from the Strawberry on Saturday, sounds like a great crowd were there, and a few different to 'the usual suspects'

-- Anonymous, April 30, 2001



Nice one ITK. Just sent you an email about it. I'll send the photos now...

-- Anonymous, April 30, 2001

Ken, you're just after some pics of Galaxy and Yelli to perv over....go on admit it!!

-- Anonymous, May 01, 2001

Gav - you have very little to give Ken sh1te about . Didnt you tell me you wouldnt be getting home again this season .. funny how things change eh :-) Have fun on the quayside did ya .. howay spill the beans mate .

-- Anonymous, May 01, 2001

June 29th? What's the venue? Might well be around....

-- Anonymous, May 01, 2001

Min - not sure what the venue(s) will be yet, but every one of the lads going from down here have this unnatural ability to find themselves p1ssed up in Julies. Don't know how they manage it every time they've been but suffice to say Friday June 29th a group of lads stood by some puke in Julies will be us :-)

-- Anonymous, May 01, 2001


right then.

will aim to be back in the toon for the w/end of June 29th. Sounds like a laugh and i'll be able to compare firth hand experience of Loony v Screacher's goalscoring skills.....

;))

-- Anonymous, May 01, 2001


THE OTHER HALF ... After walking a good 2 miles around the headland from Bondi to Coogee , me and me mate Hardy arrived ( on time unlike others ) at 11.30 . With a head full of Shiraz from the night before , cleared out by the sea air we came across a limbering up Loony , Ken , Nick and a little later Andy . Nicks missus providing the south coast edge being from Portsmouth , and telling me to play Pompey . You have to laugh eh ? The sides .. for the real first half were picked due to the top being worn and not the isze or skill of player . And so on the bumpy pitch Andy , Ken and Loony kicked off wearing the Brown ale logos , and Sting Hardy and Nick in assorted colours . Id actually lent a Boca Juniors top to me mate , and was cursing when the brazilian lass asked him where he got it ( at no point did he mention my name .. funny eh ? ) . Anyway with an average height of 5'7 and weight of 11 stone we faced the large and mighty . Unfortunately the physical prowess of Andy and Loony , combined with the mazy skills of ken not even a bit of dirty northern style from my goodself could temper the flow ... 1-0 , 2-0 , 3-0 ............7-0 , our 'rush' keeper failed to materialise every time , and plus Andy was goal mooching like Gary Lineker , gave us no bliddy chance :-) Eventually tho , a tackle in the middle of the park and a break from sooper Nick raphael and it was , ahem 9-1 . The lasses then turned up with a slab of Tooheys , and we were distarcted to the open air BBQ area and sheltered from the sun , from whence where my fair head was turning red . At about 12.45 Min and Tynedale turned up with fresh legs and banter to match ... however within ten minutes of the kick off the second half , just following a blazing left foot shot wide of the post , Min's injured knee recurred and the game was abandoned .. apparently hed injured it whilst 'faalin ower last week during the mackem game ' , lets just say the lads will be th judge of that . And so to the real sport , the cooking . Andy came up trumps with the food and as we supped Tooheys Red from the bottle , we cooked up Chicken l, lamb , steak , sausages , squid , octopus , prawns and fish .... oh aye and Min had a plate of corn and onions after Loony had mistakenly bought the pork and apple sausages as the vegetarian option . Min was telt to ' just take the pork out man ' but to no avail . a really canny day had by me and me marras and tomorra itll be more of the same drinking Broon at me local with a few Geordies :))) ... We watch them far and wide , weve been to Merseyside .......

-- Anonymous, May 01, 2001

Sting, I was up with the missus this weekend meeting the family and that....only got into the strawberry for one after the match....

-- Anonymous, May 01, 2001

top report as usual Sting. Not sure aboot the apple n' pork sausages tho' eh?!

up for tomorrow at 5am at Cheers then for the Soton match, bonny lad?

-- Anonymous, May 01, 2001


Gavin i'm sorry i questioned your integrity , i shouldve known better , or even Ssuddiiooo .

-- Anonymous, May 01, 2001

'meeting the family'???

bloody hell....

;@)

-- Anonymous, May 01, 2001


Sting, No worries you wanker :))

Min, yeah....I had to keep them sober for the meeting.....didn't want them making a tit of me ;)))

-- Anonymous, May 01, 2001


Gav - you and tits eh? eeeehhhh.

;))

-- Anonymous, May 01, 2001


Nick Photo's arrived and are being 'processed' as I write, will hopefully be able to post them later after the Southampton game......they are a tadge on the large size, so require a bit of cropping.....ain't got time at the moment but all will be revealed later.

Would help if there were some names on them though but! - I recognise Min, Sting, Tyndale and Lady T, but the rest......who's who? descriptions will surfice.

Gav Believe what you want old son, nothing I say will change that. Told you before, I don't believe in what I can't see. 80)

-- Anonymous, May 01, 2001


Great reports all round. Brian, I'm sure wor lass would be delighted to hear I can wave me sausage over me head! Alas, if only t'were true, I could've been as big as Dirk Diggler or even Kieron Dyer.

I think it's important at this point that the record is set straight on a couple of key issues -

1. Me @rse did Sting arrive on time! Muzzainoz/Ken & me had done several warm-up laps and swum the bay a couple of times before Laurel & Hardy finally showed up! Grant then had the temerity to nab off early, once he'd finishing scoffing all the good steak that is. Oh the high life of being a trader eh?!

2. Nick Raphael - rather unexpectedly - had invited his dad down for the aternoon. Imagine our surprise when this dreadlocked scruffian turned up, pissed as a f@rt and on a recently-acquired little girl's bike - before proceeding for the next 10 minutes to try and pilfer beer out of our esky! Next he started relieveing the Brazilians on the next BBQ of their mobile phones, before he finally got the hump when one went to pedal off on 'his' bike. Lovely fella - it's easy now to see how Nick turned out the way he did! :OD

3. Can I just point out that Min & Tynedale Man rocked up considerably after the agreed 11.30 kick-off time because ... they were late getting back from a folk festival!! I can only assume that must be where Min met the crusties he was later seen manning the barricades with at the Sydney M1 demo!

4. My team was the dogs bollox - despite my having a desperately painful ingrowing toenail that I've named Elena - and yes Bobby, I am still available for selection if required next year.

A great day out by the beach was had by all. Shame we can't all be there for your stag kickabout Scratchy. There again, I wouldn't want to be shown up against the striking prodigy that is reportedly Screacher ... ...

-- Anonymous, May 03, 2001


That weren't me dad, ya bugger.

-- Anonymous, May 03, 2001

It was me mam.

-- Anonymous, May 03, 2001

and a damned fine looking woman she was too Nick. any chance of an introduction sometime?

-- Anonymous, May 03, 2001

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