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RICH DOESN'T MAKE YOU SMART

IF you really wanted to convince people that you never fooled around with the person everyone thinks you fooled around with, wouldn't you:

A) Not pose seductively on a bed while making that particular declaration, and

B) Not use the phrase used by the very man you weren't supposed to be fooling around with after he'd already used it when he claimed he wasn't fooling around with a different woman?

Got it? Good.

Of course you'd avoid all those pitfalls - unless you were Denise Rich, that is.

Yes, Rich actually told Barbara Walters on "20/20": "I never had a sexual relationship . . ." with Bill Clinton. If that isn't scary enough, couldn't she have found something - anything - other than a blue dress to pose in for Vanity Fair? Talk about your Freudian slip showing.

So, where in the world was Denise Rich's on-staff "imagist" when she posed like that? Geez, isn't that just the kind of image a girl keeps a personal imagist on staff to prevent?

Man, I'd fire my imagist's butt in a New York minute - unless, of course, he could image me with Elle Macpherson's thighs whenever I put on a bathing suit.

Anyway, while it's terrifying to see Rich posing like a demented Pam Anderson, it's nothing compared to her declaration that it was her late daughter who urged her, from the spirit world yet, to intercede with Bill Clinton for Marc Rich's pardon.

What next? Will she say the ghost of Frank Lloyd Wright made her channel $450,000 into the building fund for the Clinton library?

Though she doesn't regret helping her ex, the hostess with the mostest and her good friend the ex-prez are now as "A-list" as O.J.

-- Anonymous, April 29, 2001